The lady and the loser...a lonely liaison.

Listen buddy.

This is starting to be a problem. I told you before that if you upset my friend you’d have me to answer to.

Collectively, my girlfriend’s and I have had enough!

I’ve tried to defend you. Believe me I have. I tried to stay optimistic. It was even my middle name for a while.

Then you disappointed her. Then you disappointed me. Then I stopped defending you. There was nothing positive left to say.

You knew you could get her and so you sought her. Then rejected her when she didn’t even want you to begin with.

The only thing more hurtful than having someone you love reject you is to have someone you didn’t want reject you too. Why was it a game? What did you stand to gain? You’re an idiot. There are no two ways about it.

You see, you’re constantly telling us that you’re not all bad. You’re constantly in defence of your gender as being the more reasonable, rational side of the sexes but what is reasonable or rational about hurting someone for your own enjoyment? What is honourable in that? Do you need me to explain to you what honour means?

An old friend and I have reunited. We were close years ago and have found each other again, only to discover that we never lost our connection. We were immediately close again when we found each other. We’d taken similar paths in career, we trod along the same track to fitness and we were both, a little jaundiced by love because so far it was slapping us around.

Let me tell you a bit about my friend…she’s a knockout! She has an enviable body, she can outrun most boys in a race, she can challenge ANY man; be it a barman or a Barrister, she is educated, she is fit, she is social, she is outgoing, she has launched her own very successful business but is still grounded, is still loving, is still warm and here’s the nail-biting finish…she’s single. I don’t get it! I bet you don't either?!!

My only explanation would be that her success is intimidating. What a tragedy that is if this is the truth; that her greatest strengths would become her worst enemy in love is ludicrous to me. It is her confidence that attracts you and her completion of self that makes you realise the absence of it in yourself. Rather than fearing commitment, why don’t you look to join the person that challenges you to be your best self?

Gentlemen, welcome to our brains…

Take a seat…

I can tell it might take a while before you understand just how foolish you’ve been!

This game you’re playing is stupid….and a little bit mystifying at the same time… and you say WE’RE a mystery. Boys, we ain’t got nuthin’ on you!

You were lovely for days, weeks, months and then you either died or got amnesia. It’s the only ‘reasonable’ explanation for your absence because you simply stopped calling? Nothing changed on our end. We couldn’t work out why you’d stopped? You didn’t dignify the relationship with a response. You just ran off. What the hell where you thinking? What are you still thinking?  You asked for our numbers and then when we gave them you never called? You even joked that you never wanted it to begin with..You say you can see a future for us and then you bolt right into the future and leave us in your past? You shy away from intimacy but claim to be searching for it.  How could you not be interested? When will you ever commit? What did we do wrong? Why, do you even exist!!!

And that’s summarised.

In this tug-of-war of love, why does immersion into a relationship with you feel like a total mental and physical strain of ourselves?

The answer this week, for me…because I’m trying to stay optimistic (and keep optimistic for my friend) is that men are just as afraid of rejection and heartbreak as us – so they’re ego steps in and spoils what is perfectly good  as a defence mechanism for their own hearts. It turns out, that in love, it's we women who have the balls. We’re much more willing to give our hearts and expose it to heartbreak than a man would. So far the gamble is not paying off.

I always do a bit of research pre-blogging so I have some intelligent backing to the arguments I made…or if my findings are not that intelligent...then just so I have somebody to argue with. I found many therapists who have counselled tribes of brave men into relationship security. This would be wonderful if we were all after the crazies, but instead we’re the ones being driven crazy and the game players are far too busy to sit in a confessional because they’re the ones playing the field.

The therapists or the equally distraught damsels are the ones blogging and article writing and hypothesising. Guilty as charged.

The sisters have spoken and the truths they have gathered parade in typical, ‘it’s not you, it’s (them)’ fashion (of course it’s them..it’s definitely not you)…boys don’t commit because:

a)  a)                   They are emotionally immature. Ladies you need to kick him to the kerb. If he’s not man   enough to take command of his own emotions, how on earth will he handle yours? If he can’t make a decision and more importantly if he can’t give you a definitive answer about being with you then make the decision for him. This boy has gotta go!

b)                 Men need to feel superior. Superiority is so two centuries ago! We’re all equals where I’m playing. If he doesn’t like it, you show him who’s boss…and by that I mean YOU! I’m only interested in a man who is level-headed. As soon as there is an imbalance, you know not to let yourself get weighed down by an egotistical male. Bump him off the scales and dump him from your life. There should be no powerplay between you and when it arises then the power is yours to excuse yourself out of there.  

c)                  Men use mind games to tease women. It’s that old adage that if a boy REALLY likes you he’ll make fun of you. That’s cute till you’re 12. Now, if a boy really likes you, he BETTER be on his best behavior. I’m not saying limousines and diamonds, I’m saying good old fashioned manners. Treat her like she’s important and she’ll place no one above you. Put all your cards on the table. It’s gutsy and it will get you the girl – if it doesn’t, she’s a tosser or you’re a creep. It can only be one of the two. (I’m kidding..there are other reasons but they are more than can be numbered…and I won’t be able to go out and meet the one if I’m sitting here writing all day).

d)         Men often use mind games to gauge a woman’s interest in them. How stupid! What’s the point of acting uninterested when you have genuine feelings for someone? It’s a waste of time; yours and hers. I know you’re afraid of rejection. So are we! Your plan to play hard-to-get will backfire and the girl you want will be somebody else’s before you get your  crap sorted. Enough games. More honesty. Honestly!

e)       The rest of the blokey bachelors play mind games because they are jerks. There is no way to sugar coat this. There are two types of men – the good men and the jerks who simply get off on playing mind games with women. If you’re stuck with the latter, don’t even bother with trying to understand why he’s playing mind games with you. If he’s making you work, it’s likely he’s a jerk and rather than go bezerk, stay away from where he lurks! He’s not worth your time or worth making you lose your shine.

The boy who has been messing my friend around falls into all of these categories and because of that, I think he’s small. Miniscule even. You are missing out on my friend's greatness. I can already tell she's better than you. You're a tool. Stay hidden in a shed. Days and nights have no need for you. Go gather dust somewhere dark and lonely. Dirt seems to be your destiny, your habitat and your essence.

You will not win. Refer to my old “Dear Douchebag” blog for more details on what will happen to you if you insist on your immaturity.

To the gentlemen who have taken issue with this blog….don’t! If you are in fact gentlemen…then  by next week, I’m going to need you to help me out here. I want to speak well of you. My friends do too. Show yourselves. We’re all waiting for you to paint a better picture. Your mates are doing you a HUGE disservice.

Hopeful,

Miriam (and friends). 

Loving Senselessly

I have a new trainer. He prefers to be called coach. Today, he didn’t just train me physically, he worked me mentally too. Today he was a life coach. No I’m not in love with him but we did have a very refreshing chat this morning. He’ll hate me if he ever reads this blog. Sorry in advance. I’m joking…but not really.

We were talking (briefly) about his change of values in his search for a woman as he got older. We talked politics and the purposelessly famous (enter Kim Kardashian).

I took the opportunity to boast about meeting her and said regardless of his opinion on her, her good looks were undeniable and he’d at the very least have to admit to that.

His response surprised me. “I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting to that and if ever the opportunity was presented to me, it would only be my ego that would use the chance to boast about the connection but it would never be my brain or heart that would fall for a woman like that…a woman without substance.”

I don’t respect her fame but I do think she’s incredibly clever to be capitalising on the world’s obsession of her. Putting Kim aside, I must say, I found it incredibly refreshing that a man of just 29 would think so wisely in the search for love.

Men, you get a hard wrap from me often. I know you’re not all bad in the same way you know all women aren’t neurotic, but here was the first instance in a long time that a man in front of me had described the search for love as a genuine search for a connection; beyond that which is physical. I understood it but didn’t quite believe it. Being a trainer, of course aesthetics were important!

I was reading about the difference between love and lust and it was perfectly explained like this: Love is giving and lust is taking. It was the same concept in his retrained brain.  The old trainer, said in his younger years aesthetics were everything. In his older years, personality was. Ladies – the good ones are still out there. I will give you details of where I train later. Inbox me for details ;)

I thought in writing and researching for this blog, I’d come across some sensational explanation as to why we mature or why our tastes do and share it with you. I thought that this would be the Holy Grail…that this would be the answer to why men commit. I thought I could be the love guru for a week. Instead I found an article that read:

“Aging changes in the senses”

Extra, Extra read all about it!!

Extra was exactly what the article was talking about. Extra attention needed for the senses that is.

The article outlines the perceptual changes related to age. This at first made me laugh. This was a “you look better with the lights off,” approach to love. If you’re eyesight was worsening your body was naturally forcing you to adapt and lower your visual standards. Women with age would stop wanting a man with thick hair and would have to be happy with the balding guy instead. Men were strangely foregoing the dream of bagging Miranda Kerr for the chance at love with her shorter, curvier, less attractive counterpart.

As I continued to read about the deprivation of senses, I quickly understood the demand to over stimulate those senses with a partner who satisfied the need for those sensations.

When you age, the way your senses are able to give you information about the world changes. They become less acute and according to the article, “you may have trouble distinguishing details.” Goodbye taste, smell, touch, vision and hearing. JOY!

Age as I read on was going to have a tremendous impact on our lifestyles. It was really about to stuff us around but it was also going to be our saving grace in the search for love.

With age, the amount of sensory input necessary to adequately absorb feeling, sense of smell, etc. was going to have a massive shift.

I learnt that both sight and hearing where the first to go in the aging process. If sight was to dissipate your partner’s looks were no longer important. After a few good years of marriage, you’d stop having to look at them…or rather your eyesight will prevent you from it.

If hearing were to follow, then you’d have to like the person who was yelling at you. This cancels out the Fran Drescher’s of the world. Nasal voices out. Soothing lady like ones in. It made sense then that if a man was to commit, he’d like talking to his partner above any of her other qualities because when talking wasn’t enough, yelling would take over so you better like what she has to say.

Some age-related eye changes may begin as early as your 30s. My coach must have a premature onset of this symptom.

The good news was that aging eyes produce less tears. Men, your partner’s emotions only run a few decades. If you stick it out, you won’t see them cry or hear them cry. Marital bliss.

By the time you turn 60, your pupils decrease to about one-third of the size they were when you were 20. Jury’s out on whether this means he’ll only see half of you. This would be like wearing beer goggles for life. A great thing for both parties.

The other great news for men married to women who can’t cook and for women married to less than master chefs, is that your sense of smell and taste declined with age too. This not only meant satiety of the stomach, it meant contentment with the stench that in your youth, may have bothered you.

Age sounded awful to me by the time I read through the entire article until I realized that it actually DID uncover the Holy Grail. I didn’t have the answer to why men commit but I did have a different valuable conclusion to make… it was far better to marry old because you had less to be critical of and you had fewer senses to be critical with.

Age was the secret to happiness because you couldn’t see better, because you couldn’t hear better, because even though you used to smell better, the taste of a relationship was better because your senses by then, know no better. 

The Nature vs. Nurture debate...

There is a quote I love that applies to all aspects of my life where my patience is tested. It's by Lao Tzu who said, "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."

Lao was a philosopher and his philosophy makes sense! Our generation waits for nothing by choice. Nature tells our impatience to shove it. We’re made to wait regardless and only through hindsight does peace come to explain the wait and bring clarity to the agony we experience in waiting for something to happen. 

For many of us, we spend weeks, months, even years waiting for love. We wonder where he or she is? We wonder why they haven’t found us yet (or us them) and we wonder when they’ll come knocking.

For the most part I agree that patience is necessary and all that is natural comes into place without our external influence but that doesn't stop nature from perplexing us. Weeds still spread within the earth, seeds are sown, we plough through old weeds to start anew, new trees sprout and I'm not nearly scientific enough or stupid enough to pretend to try to explain ecosystems but somehow everything in the world works together, grows together, exists together to help another’s survival.

While all that is natural exists to keep us going I can't help think of the nature vs. nurture debate when it comes to love. Weeks ago I overheard a conversation where two people argued over whether or not people fell in love. One argued that nobody simply falls in love it is a conscious choice.

If its a conscious choice then it's more meritorious because you're mentally willing to accept the changes that will come with the partnership, your wits are about you and beyond your resistant thoughts (I don't want to call it better judgement) you submit to that desire to pursue the desirable. I tend to side with this argument because it means that love is something we can all continually work on if we accept the choice is in fact our own from the very beginning.

When we exclude ourselves from the decision making process and submit our minds and bodies to science and butterflies, then feelings permissibly fly out as quickly as they fly in. In accepting that our body, mind and heart succumbs to another’s power involuntarily and separate to our consciousness, we open the door to a river deep, mountain high stretch of excuses that exempt us from responsibility. I hate that. I’m all about owning your actions.

Science suggests that blinding hormones induced  by passionate love(making) dissipate and are responsible for that euphoria that most couples feel when they’re in love or when they’re intimate. The chemicals that imbalance our brains and fuel our hearts (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethlamine and a whole bunch of others that I can’t spell or pronounce) fluctuate in strengths through the period of your relationship. Slowly they remove your blinders and rather than extending that period wherein you are stupefied by love, it halts it and forces you to think rationally. This is where problems begin. Couples see each other differently believing a partner has changed when in  fact, it’s likely they haven’t at all – the chemicals have just worn off and it takes more than what is ‘natural’ to sustain the connection you have.

So when nature shoves nurture aside, relationships expire. When nurture partners with nature, relationships are more likely to survive.

I’m yet to experience love so I’m happy to be proven wrong but I think it’s always a decision to put someone else first. It’s always a decision to say yes or no to a date. It’s a choice to keep seeing each other. It’s a choice to give your heart away. You may lust after many. You may connect with several people in the world. You can even love them but you can only be in love with one person at a time. It is simply too much work to otherwise divide your heart. When we focus on nurturing we can only fully invest in one true love. The second we stop nurturing what was once natural is when we falter in our treatment of those we have loved and cracks in our love shack tear the foundations of what we have built.

Lao was right, nature does not hurry, so love comes when it’s supposed to but all is accomplished when people nurture what is natural. As such, there is no such thing as falling in love, just an agreement to keep working on it. 

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

You’re kidding me right?

I freakin’ HATE that question!

 It needs to be filed away with the two other untouchables (are you pregnant? And when do you plan to have children)? The etiquette fairies were buzzing about your jelly-for-brains-brain hollering, yelling, and warning against it. Why in Glenda the good-witches name did you ask that question? Why did you not listen to the little bird perched on your conscience telling you against your ignorant insensitive self NOT TO ASK IT!?!?

I have no answer. None of us do. Recently I’ve been telling people it’s because I’m so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share me. This sits very well with me for now.

Once upon a time in New York City on the corner of Cheese and Dream streets, this question was asked of me; “Why are you still single?” - “Why are YOU?” I retorted. This young knight (who I have since deleted off facebook to continue idealising the memory) responded, “because fate would have it that I would have to be single when I met you.” And the Oscar goes to……

He was an actor. A good one at that. I bought every word as a religious subscriber to all good romcoms. I was connected to it but not in it. This was out of body and the cynic in me yelled “what a phoney!” The romantic in me mellowed and weakened at the knees. My palms sweat uncontrollably. It didn’t help that it was about 40 degrees Celsius. Was he sweet? Yes! Attractive? Yes (except not at all in his fb profile and if I had seen it first we wouldn’t have even conversed).

He thought this line was his ticket in. He bent over and just like in a movie (because they only ever know each other for five minutes) he thought he could take us to second base. (I think second base means kissing right)? I gagged. I was actually about to throw up in his face. It was horrendous and hilarious all at once.  Just like that we moved from Cinderella to NOWAYFELLA!

I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it. Mum would be proud. Dad will never know about it. Everyone be quiet. 

There is to be no commentary on my frigidity being the cause of my single status. Please and thank you.

It wasn’t that I was frigid; it was just that I couldn’t be intimate with a stranger. I’d have to have a bit of interest in him and this was all too much too soon.

I know what you boys are thinking – if you’re too forward we hate it and if you’re not romantic enough we whinge. The message is one of balance. Be intimate when you know the girl not in the first five minutes. Be judicious with your words but uninhibited with your actions and your deeds will let love lead the way.

But what do I know? I’m single right?!

Well… being single gives you a lot more thinking time about what you would and wouldn’t accept for yourself.

Dealbreakers for me are a lack of religion because it’s how I’d want to raise my children, a lack of manners, a lack of ambition and a lack of interest in me. With those, I’m able to answer the dreaded question…

I’m single because the men I’ve met haven’t agreed on religion. Haven’t had manners. Have no ambition or have no interest in me. But I’d never say that to a stranger.

I’m more inclined to say that being a singleton isn’t a black and white choice. You may meet people who want to be with you but who aren’t everything to you. You wait for someone who is not necessarily better, but is better for you. You find the person with the flaws you’re happy to live with. You give love to the person who least threatens to break it. You share your joys with the one who brings you it in bucket loads and you love the person who chooses you and isn’t paralysed by the amount of choice available to him.

For men and women there are copious amounts of people ready to point the blame on you. Sometimes it is your fault because your actions have put you in a situation where you’re alone. Sometimes it’s your partners fault for not valuing you enough to keep you. Other times it’s because:

You’re shallow – although I know many shallow people, wading away in their kiddy pool of love. Birds of a feather flock together. Think the last season of Beauty and the geek, when the two beauties found love and superficiality all in one nest.

You’re too independent – Probably an issue….Probably my issue.

You’re afraid of commitment – can’t be true. Think Hugh Hefner. Actually is he uncommitted or overcommitted? I’ve known many men who are never single and never committed. The trick is in dating many and dating often. If they’re single, it’s definitely a choice. I know, because they’re always good looking and they’re always the ones we fall for.

You’re a slob – gross but not necessarily a problem to everyone. If female slob met Bob the slob I believe they could be very happy. Or if clean freak met Bob the slob and one managed to compensate for the other’s deficiencies then everyone could get freaky and be squeaky clean.

You’re a douchebag … then you can’t be helped! It's true. Ok it’s not. Usually you’re the ones making women single because you’re a douchebag douching around with douchebag women in douchebag places doing unforgivable douchebag things. You’re the reason you’re single but there are too many of you and you always seem to find another one just like you somewhere. Makes you wish you were a douche because of their availability… only joking, I’m not THAT desperate!

You’re addicted to gaming – maybe if you gamed with a girl you could live in eternal gaming bliss. Super Mario was a character in a video game and he was Italian. Everyone likes Italians. Problem solved.

You’re desperate – in the animal world, animals let out a mating call to attract the opposite sex. No I’m not telling you to date an animal. That’s gross but I don’t believe desperation is a turn off because many women preach that in putting yourself out there you’re more likely to be noticed. If you’re more noticed, you’re more often caught. Go ahead and be desperate. Love’s worth putting your heart on the line for and some guy or girl somewhere will appreciate how happily vulnerable you are to them.

You’re the nice guy – and damn you for it! It’s not the reason you’re single though. Most nice guys fall for the control freak and happily buy her Jimmy Choos to have her walk all over him while wearing them. I have fallen for the nice guy often. He however has charming and confident attached to his nice guy title and this means I am competing in a jungle of Jimmy-Choo stompers who could poke your eye out with their stiletto on the way. Nice guy is single because of the array of women available to him. Nice guy is usually non-committal. He is single because he wants to be. He is not single because of any fatal flaw. If you’re the nice girl then your kindness might be mistaken for flirtation. It means you’re attracting lots of men but not necessarily the ones you want. Be kind to all. Be selective when you flirt. Nice girl and nice guy are an ideal match but they almost never meet because of the girl below.

You’re a control freak – then you are with Mr Nice guy.  How did you get him? If you’re not with him, you should be. You will be. You guys should talk and balance out your issues.

You’re too shy – Also not an issue. I know many shy couples who shied away from the noise but found each other in their quiet librarian corners and quote Jane Austen, whisper Shakespeare and travel the globe together. Ok they don’t do all of that. But they are shy and they found love. Non-issue. Next.

You’re selfish – usually a problem after the fact. So you can still score dates but maybe not sustain them. Work on it. Relationships are obviously about self-sacrifice and putting the other first. I read a great article the other day that said marriage (or relationships) require daily affirmations that require you to start the day by asking how you can put your loved one first that day. When they do that, they get everything they want in return because giving is far better than receiving. You already know that.

You’re broke – get a job. Are you broke because you’re a writer? An artist? Or were you made redundant? Some women are happy to be with men who earn less than them. It’s about the love not the finances. It’s much cheaper to borrow money than marry for money and not for love. If you’re the girl that’s broke – I think we still live in a fairly patriarchal society that is content to see men look after women. That’s not anti-feminist it’s realistic.

You’re friends are a**holes – your choice. Change it.

You’re in love with yourself – I know a lot of egotistical men and women in relationships. Cancels this argument.

You’re a workaholic – find love at work. Unless you work in the media and everyone’s gay – then you’re screwed… unless you’re gay. Then you’re screwed. Differently.

You’re a pervert – Nope, I know lots of perverts. It’s ok to look…but it’s better if you don’t. How pervy are you? Perfect your game please.

You’re boring – Nope. I know a lot of boring couples.

You’re obnoxious/arrogant – Nope. They’re married too - usually to very patient people or to stupid people. Or to patient stupid people. Stupid people.

You’re a liar – good way to snare someone in. Good luck trying to maintain the act. Change this. You’ll sustain relationships way better unless it’s pathological. If this is the case, seek help. Maybe there’s someone at the institute for you? Maybe you can date your psychologist?

Or like me, you’re just so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share you . Yep. That must be it. ;-)

Save Sally Obermeder

Last Thursday I attended a fundraiser for a woman who is both a friend and an inspiration. Her name is Sally Obermeder. Some may know her as the stunning Today Tonight Entertainment reporter, others might remember her as a presenter on Sydney Weekender but this story, the one she is living is the one you'll remember from now on.

In a celebration of her life and in a bid to keep her living; her friend and my boss Sarah Stinson, Executive Producer of The Morning Show organized a fundraiser to help Sally raise enough money to fight as best she could to beat cancer.

Sally's story is almost unfathomable. After years of trying to have a baby, Sally finally resorted to IVF treatments to help her on her way. After years of struggle, she fell pregnant and then the day before she gave birth to baby Anabelle, the unthinkable happened.  She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.

For the eight months that followed (she’s through four months now) she would undergo gruelling chemotherapy, radiotherapy and is considering a double mastectomy. She describes chemotherapy as “beyond brutal” and days after her debilitating and crippling chemotherapy she is unable to mother her newborn baby.

With funds rapidly diminishing, in one of the grandest gestures of love I've ever seen, Sarah Stinson organized a fundraiser. Over 500 guests joined together to celebrate Sally. Guests sent love positivity and importantly, funds to launch her on her way to better health.

This was love in the most flamboyant display I'd ever seen. Sally was surrounded by her husband Marcus, her sister, and her colleagues and even shared company with strangers who were moved by her story.

Marcus held his beautiful wife closely, showing her how striking she still is. She has a smile that lights up a room, a spirit that fills your heart with so much love and a will that would inspire the weakest of souls to keep going. In her speech, she thanked him for his unconditional love. Saying “if I hasn't married you, I would have married you again.”

There was not a dry eye in the room.

The love there was real, was intense and  was healing, I wish it could have been in the medical sense.

Sally in her thank you speech wept as the club lights in the Beresford went up and she saw over 500 faces cheering her on.

“I just want to say thank you because while Chemotherapy is what heals my illness, it’s your love that heals my soul,” she said.

Her grief was profound and for a night - it was shared by a room full of open hearts and thankfully open wallets.

You can read more about Sally’s battle at these links.

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/entertainment/sydney-confidential/love-flows-for-today-tonight-reporter-sally-obermeder/story-e6frewz0-1226281010116

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/entertainment/insider/sally-obermeder-is-simply-inspirational-writes-ros-reines/story-e6frewt9-1226281495595

http://aww.ninemsn.com.au/news/newsstories/8392043/new-mum-sally-obermeders-breast-cancer-battle

While every week I write about love, this week I encourage you to show it by donating to one of the most important causes I’ve ever supported. Sally deserves the best chance of survival and you can help by donating at this link.

You wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, but you can help heal it by donating generously and helping Sally reach her target. It will help her pay for her treatments and give her the best chance at surviving for her newborn baby, Anabelle.

everydayhero.com.au/sallyo

Have We Flirted Enough Yet?

I've written before about being trapped in the friendship box seats, looking on to the love game between your dream beau and somebody else (who is not you). It takes trial and a whole lot of error to work out how to keep yourself out of the sidelines and on the playing field when it comes to a meeting of minds and hearts on the field of (dating) dreams.

This problem is one that we're all faced with at some point in our lives and having been placed on team friend one too many times (involuntarily), we women often wonder - how much flirting it will take for our hearts to beat to the same drum?

What is it about a woman that stirs a guy to see her as girlfriend material and how long before that thought materializes into you asking her out?

If you are flirty by nature with all of your friends, you'll either wind up friendless fast or future girlfriends will envy the friendships you have and your friendships or relationship will cease to exist! Rule #1 Be selective or your words will soon mean nothing.

My issue with that is how are you supposed to tell the difference between flirtation and friendship if there's a one size fits all approach? This was the cry of a friend who is trying to read a friend of hers.

He went as far as saying he wanted to kiss her but when confronted with the possibility of a relationship he cowered away from commitment. Kick him to the kerb I say. Rule #2  Ask for all or accept nothing. You can’t flirt and not be prepared to follow through. Somebody always gets hurt.

I have one mate who said if he was interested in a girl he asked her out. Period! No excuses, no confusion … (maybe for him) - but there's always confusion somewhere! He was a serial flirt. He never hesitated to tell a girl when she looked good, he didn't mind a contemplative chat on her good qualities, He didn't mind dissing her exes, lunch or dinner dates were on him and he paid close attention to everything she said. He was a dream and the idea of him was nirvana - he never asked her out. They were never more than friends. She would always wonder why.

I'm generally a flirty person too. So I understand the adrenalin rush you can get from a flirtatious chat but I believe it's the frequency of it with the same person that can cause the confusion.

We live in an age where everyone is wearing the pants so with women sending just as many mixed signals as our male counterparts, it's no wonder the world is sleeping around unattached - everyone's just as puzzled as each other on what the opposite sex wants, but most (aside from my small community) agree on the physical.

What women want long-term are answers! We want clarity! We want you to cut to the chase and we want you to take chances! If you're interested make a move rather than be perfect, omnipresent and unattainable to us.

The fact is most girls will find it difficult to sustain a boy to girl friendship with a guy if they are attracted to him so by all means pursue friendship with the opposite sex but don't blur the lines unless you want your girl friend to become your girlfriend. Girls are to friendship as boys are to relationship.  If this was clear there'd be nothing to decipher.

If the water appears murky, it's best not to swim in it but of course then I'd have no blogging material and we'd all have less to chat about. Have we flirted enough yet? Absolutely not – but gosh I’d love some answers.

The problem according to Steve Harvey (author of novel and soon to be released film, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man) is that when it comes to relationships women can’t figure men out because they don’t understand the way guys think about love and sex. The easiest way to learn is to step away from your female cliques and head to the men for the dispensation of matter-of-fact advice.

Men enlighten us? When do you flirt for flirting’s sake and when is your flirtation in pursuit of a relationship?

This week I simply do not have the answers…. Sorry girls there are always firsts

Till the blokes who read this decide to share the inner workings of their minds, ladies keep swimming and men keep fishing but flirt with limits, choose your fish, bait her, catch her, keep her. Women in the meantime add Steve Harvey’s book to your reading list and please TELL ME EVERYTHING!

Starting anew from New Year’s on…

A little over a year ago when I began this blog, I searched for an outlet for my verbosity. More often than not, I have something to say, but I didn’t just want to write about something that mattered to me, I wanted to write about social glue, the world’s adhesive that connects us all and that would keep you reading. Love would always be the answer to that.

It’s been the pacemaker for a  tumultuous 2011. This year has been a tough one for many. There has been more grief in 365 days than people have known their entire lifetimes and the hope is that when you reach the darkest of places, light will shine somewhere, someplace somehow. Two weeks ago I wrote how love saved me in my grief. 
 
What strengthens us to survive is hope in love - greater than we give, stronger than we feel and more than we deserve. In my life, this is how I’ve got to know and experience its meaning.  
 
This year, I've seen the evaporation of hope in my own and in my friend’s lives. Even if momentary, it stands as the loneliest moment of life. It is dark, it is still, it is silent. We wait on love to heal us. It’s what we wish for every New Year, it’s what we share every Christmas, and it’s our life support. Switched off, we are dull, emotionless and empty. Switched on, we are restored, revived and renewed. 

When love speaks it reminds you that everything is going to be ok and thank God for it because so many of us this year have needed the reminder. 
 
I had friends grieve loved ones, I've seen the breakdown of marriages, I've seen the grievance of health once taken for granted in many people undeserving of the grief (not that anyone ever deserves sadness). The secret to healing for each heartache (no matter how broken the situation or the person in it) was love because it breathes hope back into our lives.

Hope is what separates a new year from an old one. Time passes and although we don’t see the change, we are strengthened to make change because hope makes it seem possible and love drives the dream. 

 At midnight on 1/01 2012, families will start the year together and be grateful for a new beginning, some people will seek forgiveness, some will search for the perfect pairing to share in a New Year’s kiss and others will look to spend another year planning life and living love with those they hold dear. At midnight the world speaks one language and says a prayer for hope, for joy for peace and for love. 

Before the midnight fireworks, the world waits with baited breath to say a prayer, pop open a bottle of champagne, to kiss a loved one, to remember love lost and hope for a new beginning. Second chances begin at midnight and somehow miraculously clean the slate of a bad year gone by. On New Year’s Eve we reflect on what we have done, what we are doing and what we will do in the year to come. We smile at our highs and we grow from our lows and surround ourselves with the people that exist to better us. We resolve to be our best and have the finest of people and experiences in our lives. 

We open ourselves up for new adventure. We dispense with fear. We welcome love and reject dread of love hurting us. We don’t worry about the ‘what-ifs,’ and for one night, everything feels possible. A big part of that encouragement is that on New Year’s, we are always surrounded by those we love, inspiring a better you. 

With love inside us and beside us, we decide to be better, not just for that moment, not just for a day, but for the entire year before us. We give love, we receive love and we let love change us. 

Here’s hoping that the New Year answers your prayers, evaporates your fears, restores your hope, revives your dreams and most importantly, brings you love.
 

Starting anew from New Year’s on…

A little over a year ago when I began this blog, I searched for an outlet for my verbosity. More often than not, I have something to say, but I didn’t just want to write about something that mattered to me, I wanted to write about social glue, the world’s adhesive that connects us all and that would keep you reading. Love would always be the answer to that.

It’s been the pacemaker for a  tumultuous 2011. This year has been a tough one for many. There has been more grief in 365 days than people have known their entire lifetimes and the hope is that when you reach the darkest of places, light will shine somewhere, someplace somehow. Two weeks ago I wrote how love saved me in my grief.


I'm also by no means the only one who has experienced sadness this year. In 2011, I've seen the evaporation of hope in my own and in my friend’s lives. Even if momentary, it stands as the loneliest moment of life.  It is still, it is silent and it is scary. Having hope snatched from you is not a visible theft but it does make you feel poorer, robbed of joy and a little bit lifeless. We wait on love to heal us. It’s what we wish for every New Year, it’s what we share every Christmas, and it’s our life support. Switched off, we are emotionless and empty. Switched on, we are restored, revived and renewed.

What strengthens us to survive is hope in love - greater than we give, stronger than we feel and more than we deserve. In my life, this is how I’ve got to know and experience its meaning.  

When love speaks it reminds you that everything is going to be ok and thank God for it because so many of us this year have needed the reminder. 
 
I had friends part with loved ones, I've seen the breakdown of marriages, I've seen the grievance of health once taken for granted in many people undeserving of the grief (not that anyone ever deserves sadness). The secret to healing for each heartache (no matter how broken the situation or the person in it) was love because it breathes hope back into our lives.

Hope is what separates a new year from an old one. Time passes and although we don’t see the change, we are strengthened to make change because hope makes it seem possible and love drives the dream. 

 At midnight on 1/01 2012, families and friends will start the year together and be grateful for a new beginning, some people will seek forgiveness, some will search for the perfect pairing to share in a New Year’s kiss and others will look to spend another year planning life and living love with those they hold dear. At midnight the world speaks one language of hope, joy, peace and love. 

Before the midnight fireworks, the world waits with baited breath to say a prayer, pop open a bottle of champagne, to kiss a loved one, to remember love lost and hope for a new beginning. Second chances begin at midnight and somehow miraculously clean the slate of a bad year gone by. On New Year’s Eve we reflect on what we have done, what we are doing and what we will do in the year to come. We smile at our highs and we grow from our lows and surround ourselves with the people that exist to better us. We resolve to be our best and have the finest of people and experiences in our lives. 

We open ourselves up to new adventure. We dispense with fear. We welcome love and reject dread of love hurting us. We don’t worry about the ‘what-ifs,’ and for one night, everything feels possible. A big part of that encouragement is that on New Year’s, we are always surrounded by those we love, inspiring a better you. 

With love inside us and beside us, we decide to be better, not just for that moment, not just for a day, but for the entire year before us. We give love, we receive love and we let love change us. 

Here’s hoping that the New Year answers your prayers, evaporates your fears, restores your hope, revives your dreams and most importantly, brings you love.