WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

You’re kidding me right?

I freakin’ HATE that question!

 It needs to be filed away with the two other untouchables (are you pregnant? And when do you plan to have children)? The etiquette fairies were buzzing about your jelly-for-brains-brain hollering, yelling, and warning against it. Why in Glenda the good-witches name did you ask that question? Why did you not listen to the little bird perched on your conscience telling you against your ignorant insensitive self NOT TO ASK IT!?!?

I have no answer. None of us do. Recently I’ve been telling people it’s because I’m so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share me. This sits very well with me for now.

Once upon a time in New York City on the corner of Cheese and Dream streets, this question was asked of me; “Why are you still single?” - “Why are YOU?” I retorted. This young knight (who I have since deleted off facebook to continue idealising the memory) responded, “because fate would have it that I would have to be single when I met you.” And the Oscar goes to……

He was an actor. A good one at that. I bought every word as a religious subscriber to all good romcoms. I was connected to it but not in it. This was out of body and the cynic in me yelled “what a phoney!” The romantic in me mellowed and weakened at the knees. My palms sweat uncontrollably. It didn’t help that it was about 40 degrees Celsius. Was he sweet? Yes! Attractive? Yes (except not at all in his fb profile and if I had seen it first we wouldn’t have even conversed).

He thought this line was his ticket in. He bent over and just like in a movie (because they only ever know each other for five minutes) he thought he could take us to second base. (I think second base means kissing right)? I gagged. I was actually about to throw up in his face. It was horrendous and hilarious all at once.  Just like that we moved from Cinderella to NOWAYFELLA!

I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it. Mum would be proud. Dad will never know about it. Everyone be quiet. 

There is to be no commentary on my frigidity being the cause of my single status. Please and thank you.

It wasn’t that I was frigid; it was just that I couldn’t be intimate with a stranger. I’d have to have a bit of interest in him and this was all too much too soon.

I know what you boys are thinking – if you’re too forward we hate it and if you’re not romantic enough we whinge. The message is one of balance. Be intimate when you know the girl not in the first five minutes. Be judicious with your words but uninhibited with your actions and your deeds will let love lead the way.

But what do I know? I’m single right?!

Well… being single gives you a lot more thinking time about what you would and wouldn’t accept for yourself.

Dealbreakers for me are a lack of religion because it’s how I’d want to raise my children, a lack of manners, a lack of ambition and a lack of interest in me. With those, I’m able to answer the dreaded question…

I’m single because the men I’ve met haven’t agreed on religion. Haven’t had manners. Have no ambition or have no interest in me. But I’d never say that to a stranger.

I’m more inclined to say that being a singleton isn’t a black and white choice. You may meet people who want to be with you but who aren’t everything to you. You wait for someone who is not necessarily better, but is better for you. You find the person with the flaws you’re happy to live with. You give love to the person who least threatens to break it. You share your joys with the one who brings you it in bucket loads and you love the person who chooses you and isn’t paralysed by the amount of choice available to him.

For men and women there are copious amounts of people ready to point the blame on you. Sometimes it is your fault because your actions have put you in a situation where you’re alone. Sometimes it’s your partners fault for not valuing you enough to keep you. Other times it’s because:

You’re shallow – although I know many shallow people, wading away in their kiddy pool of love. Birds of a feather flock together. Think the last season of Beauty and the geek, when the two beauties found love and superficiality all in one nest.

You’re too independent – Probably an issue….Probably my issue.

You’re afraid of commitment – can’t be true. Think Hugh Hefner. Actually is he uncommitted or overcommitted? I’ve known many men who are never single and never committed. The trick is in dating many and dating often. If they’re single, it’s definitely a choice. I know, because they’re always good looking and they’re always the ones we fall for.

You’re a slob – gross but not necessarily a problem to everyone. If female slob met Bob the slob I believe they could be very happy. Or if clean freak met Bob the slob and one managed to compensate for the other’s deficiencies then everyone could get freaky and be squeaky clean.

You’re a douchebag … then you can’t be helped! It's true. Ok it’s not. Usually you’re the ones making women single because you’re a douchebag douching around with douchebag women in douchebag places doing unforgivable douchebag things. You’re the reason you’re single but there are too many of you and you always seem to find another one just like you somewhere. Makes you wish you were a douche because of their availability… only joking, I’m not THAT desperate!

You’re addicted to gaming – maybe if you gamed with a girl you could live in eternal gaming bliss. Super Mario was a character in a video game and he was Italian. Everyone likes Italians. Problem solved.

You’re desperate – in the animal world, animals let out a mating call to attract the opposite sex. No I’m not telling you to date an animal. That’s gross but I don’t believe desperation is a turn off because many women preach that in putting yourself out there you’re more likely to be noticed. If you’re more noticed, you’re more often caught. Go ahead and be desperate. Love’s worth putting your heart on the line for and some guy or girl somewhere will appreciate how happily vulnerable you are to them.

You’re the nice guy – and damn you for it! It’s not the reason you’re single though. Most nice guys fall for the control freak and happily buy her Jimmy Choos to have her walk all over him while wearing them. I have fallen for the nice guy often. He however has charming and confident attached to his nice guy title and this means I am competing in a jungle of Jimmy-Choo stompers who could poke your eye out with their stiletto on the way. Nice guy is single because of the array of women available to him. Nice guy is usually non-committal. He is single because he wants to be. He is not single because of any fatal flaw. If you’re the nice girl then your kindness might be mistaken for flirtation. It means you’re attracting lots of men but not necessarily the ones you want. Be kind to all. Be selective when you flirt. Nice girl and nice guy are an ideal match but they almost never meet because of the girl below.

You’re a control freak – then you are with Mr Nice guy.  How did you get him? If you’re not with him, you should be. You will be. You guys should talk and balance out your issues.

You’re too shy – Also not an issue. I know many shy couples who shied away from the noise but found each other in their quiet librarian corners and quote Jane Austen, whisper Shakespeare and travel the globe together. Ok they don’t do all of that. But they are shy and they found love. Non-issue. Next.

You’re selfish – usually a problem after the fact. So you can still score dates but maybe not sustain them. Work on it. Relationships are obviously about self-sacrifice and putting the other first. I read a great article the other day that said marriage (or relationships) require daily affirmations that require you to start the day by asking how you can put your loved one first that day. When they do that, they get everything they want in return because giving is far better than receiving. You already know that.

You’re broke – get a job. Are you broke because you’re a writer? An artist? Or were you made redundant? Some women are happy to be with men who earn less than them. It’s about the love not the finances. It’s much cheaper to borrow money than marry for money and not for love. If you’re the girl that’s broke – I think we still live in a fairly patriarchal society that is content to see men look after women. That’s not anti-feminist it’s realistic.

You’re friends are a**holes – your choice. Change it.

You’re in love with yourself – I know a lot of egotistical men and women in relationships. Cancels this argument.

You’re a workaholic – find love at work. Unless you work in the media and everyone’s gay – then you’re screwed… unless you’re gay. Then you’re screwed. Differently.

You’re a pervert – Nope, I know lots of perverts. It’s ok to look…but it’s better if you don’t. How pervy are you? Perfect your game please.

You’re boring – Nope. I know a lot of boring couples.

You’re obnoxious/arrogant – Nope. They’re married too - usually to very patient people or to stupid people. Or to patient stupid people. Stupid people.

You’re a liar – good way to snare someone in. Good luck trying to maintain the act. Change this. You’ll sustain relationships way better unless it’s pathological. If this is the case, seek help. Maybe there’s someone at the institute for you? Maybe you can date your psychologist?

Or like me, you’re just so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share you . Yep. That must be it. ;-)