The lady and the loser...a lonely liaison.

Listen buddy.

This is starting to be a problem. I told you before that if you upset my friend you’d have me to answer to.

Collectively, my girlfriend’s and I have had enough!

I’ve tried to defend you. Believe me I have. I tried to stay optimistic. It was even my middle name for a while.

Then you disappointed her. Then you disappointed me. Then I stopped defending you. There was nothing positive left to say.

You knew you could get her and so you sought her. Then rejected her when she didn’t even want you to begin with.

The only thing more hurtful than having someone you love reject you is to have someone you didn’t want reject you too. Why was it a game? What did you stand to gain? You’re an idiot. There are no two ways about it.

You see, you’re constantly telling us that you’re not all bad. You’re constantly in defence of your gender as being the more reasonable, rational side of the sexes but what is reasonable or rational about hurting someone for your own enjoyment? What is honourable in that? Do you need me to explain to you what honour means?

An old friend and I have reunited. We were close years ago and have found each other again, only to discover that we never lost our connection. We were immediately close again when we found each other. We’d taken similar paths in career, we trod along the same track to fitness and we were both, a little jaundiced by love because so far it was slapping us around.

Let me tell you a bit about my friend…she’s a knockout! She has an enviable body, she can outrun most boys in a race, she can challenge ANY man; be it a barman or a Barrister, she is educated, she is fit, she is social, she is outgoing, she has launched her own very successful business but is still grounded, is still loving, is still warm and here’s the nail-biting finish…she’s single. I don’t get it! I bet you don't either?!!

My only explanation would be that her success is intimidating. What a tragedy that is if this is the truth; that her greatest strengths would become her worst enemy in love is ludicrous to me. It is her confidence that attracts you and her completion of self that makes you realise the absence of it in yourself. Rather than fearing commitment, why don’t you look to join the person that challenges you to be your best self?

Gentlemen, welcome to our brains…

Take a seat…

I can tell it might take a while before you understand just how foolish you’ve been!

This game you’re playing is stupid….and a little bit mystifying at the same time… and you say WE’RE a mystery. Boys, we ain’t got nuthin’ on you!

You were lovely for days, weeks, months and then you either died or got amnesia. It’s the only ‘reasonable’ explanation for your absence because you simply stopped calling? Nothing changed on our end. We couldn’t work out why you’d stopped? You didn’t dignify the relationship with a response. You just ran off. What the hell where you thinking? What are you still thinking?  You asked for our numbers and then when we gave them you never called? You even joked that you never wanted it to begin with..You say you can see a future for us and then you bolt right into the future and leave us in your past? You shy away from intimacy but claim to be searching for it.  How could you not be interested? When will you ever commit? What did we do wrong? Why, do you even exist!!!

And that’s summarised.

In this tug-of-war of love, why does immersion into a relationship with you feel like a total mental and physical strain of ourselves?

The answer this week, for me…because I’m trying to stay optimistic (and keep optimistic for my friend) is that men are just as afraid of rejection and heartbreak as us – so they’re ego steps in and spoils what is perfectly good  as a defence mechanism for their own hearts. It turns out, that in love, it's we women who have the balls. We’re much more willing to give our hearts and expose it to heartbreak than a man would. So far the gamble is not paying off.

I always do a bit of research pre-blogging so I have some intelligent backing to the arguments I made…or if my findings are not that intelligent...then just so I have somebody to argue with. I found many therapists who have counselled tribes of brave men into relationship security. This would be wonderful if we were all after the crazies, but instead we’re the ones being driven crazy and the game players are far too busy to sit in a confessional because they’re the ones playing the field.

The therapists or the equally distraught damsels are the ones blogging and article writing and hypothesising. Guilty as charged.

The sisters have spoken and the truths they have gathered parade in typical, ‘it’s not you, it’s (them)’ fashion (of course it’s them..it’s definitely not you)…boys don’t commit because:

a)  a)                   They are emotionally immature. Ladies you need to kick him to the kerb. If he’s not man   enough to take command of his own emotions, how on earth will he handle yours? If he can’t make a decision and more importantly if he can’t give you a definitive answer about being with you then make the decision for him. This boy has gotta go!

b)                 Men need to feel superior. Superiority is so two centuries ago! We’re all equals where I’m playing. If he doesn’t like it, you show him who’s boss…and by that I mean YOU! I’m only interested in a man who is level-headed. As soon as there is an imbalance, you know not to let yourself get weighed down by an egotistical male. Bump him off the scales and dump him from your life. There should be no powerplay between you and when it arises then the power is yours to excuse yourself out of there.  

c)                  Men use mind games to tease women. It’s that old adage that if a boy REALLY likes you he’ll make fun of you. That’s cute till you’re 12. Now, if a boy really likes you, he BETTER be on his best behavior. I’m not saying limousines and diamonds, I’m saying good old fashioned manners. Treat her like she’s important and she’ll place no one above you. Put all your cards on the table. It’s gutsy and it will get you the girl – if it doesn’t, she’s a tosser or you’re a creep. It can only be one of the two. (I’m kidding..there are other reasons but they are more than can be numbered…and I won’t be able to go out and meet the one if I’m sitting here writing all day).

d)         Men often use mind games to gauge a woman’s interest in them. How stupid! What’s the point of acting uninterested when you have genuine feelings for someone? It’s a waste of time; yours and hers. I know you’re afraid of rejection. So are we! Your plan to play hard-to-get will backfire and the girl you want will be somebody else’s before you get your  crap sorted. Enough games. More honesty. Honestly!

e)       The rest of the blokey bachelors play mind games because they are jerks. There is no way to sugar coat this. There are two types of men – the good men and the jerks who simply get off on playing mind games with women. If you’re stuck with the latter, don’t even bother with trying to understand why he’s playing mind games with you. If he’s making you work, it’s likely he’s a jerk and rather than go bezerk, stay away from where he lurks! He’s not worth your time or worth making you lose your shine.

The boy who has been messing my friend around falls into all of these categories and because of that, I think he’s small. Miniscule even. You are missing out on my friend's greatness. I can already tell she's better than you. You're a tool. Stay hidden in a shed. Days and nights have no need for you. Go gather dust somewhere dark and lonely. Dirt seems to be your destiny, your habitat and your essence.

You will not win. Refer to my old “Dear Douchebag” blog for more details on what will happen to you if you insist on your immaturity.

To the gentlemen who have taken issue with this blog….don’t! If you are in fact gentlemen…then  by next week, I’m going to need you to help me out here. I want to speak well of you. My friends do too. Show yourselves. We’re all waiting for you to paint a better picture. Your mates are doing you a HUGE disservice.

Hopeful,

Miriam (and friends). 

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

You’re kidding me right?

I freakin’ HATE that question!

 It needs to be filed away with the two other untouchables (are you pregnant? And when do you plan to have children)? The etiquette fairies were buzzing about your jelly-for-brains-brain hollering, yelling, and warning against it. Why in Glenda the good-witches name did you ask that question? Why did you not listen to the little bird perched on your conscience telling you against your ignorant insensitive self NOT TO ASK IT!?!?

I have no answer. None of us do. Recently I’ve been telling people it’s because I’m so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share me. This sits very well with me for now.

Once upon a time in New York City on the corner of Cheese and Dream streets, this question was asked of me; “Why are you still single?” - “Why are YOU?” I retorted. This young knight (who I have since deleted off facebook to continue idealising the memory) responded, “because fate would have it that I would have to be single when I met you.” And the Oscar goes to……

He was an actor. A good one at that. I bought every word as a religious subscriber to all good romcoms. I was connected to it but not in it. This was out of body and the cynic in me yelled “what a phoney!” The romantic in me mellowed and weakened at the knees. My palms sweat uncontrollably. It didn’t help that it was about 40 degrees Celsius. Was he sweet? Yes! Attractive? Yes (except not at all in his fb profile and if I had seen it first we wouldn’t have even conversed).

He thought this line was his ticket in. He bent over and just like in a movie (because they only ever know each other for five minutes) he thought he could take us to second base. (I think second base means kissing right)? I gagged. I was actually about to throw up in his face. It was horrendous and hilarious all at once.  Just like that we moved from Cinderella to NOWAYFELLA!

I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it. Mum would be proud. Dad will never know about it. Everyone be quiet. 

There is to be no commentary on my frigidity being the cause of my single status. Please and thank you.

It wasn’t that I was frigid; it was just that I couldn’t be intimate with a stranger. I’d have to have a bit of interest in him and this was all too much too soon.

I know what you boys are thinking – if you’re too forward we hate it and if you’re not romantic enough we whinge. The message is one of balance. Be intimate when you know the girl not in the first five minutes. Be judicious with your words but uninhibited with your actions and your deeds will let love lead the way.

But what do I know? I’m single right?!

Well… being single gives you a lot more thinking time about what you would and wouldn’t accept for yourself.

Dealbreakers for me are a lack of religion because it’s how I’d want to raise my children, a lack of manners, a lack of ambition and a lack of interest in me. With those, I’m able to answer the dreaded question…

I’m single because the men I’ve met haven’t agreed on religion. Haven’t had manners. Have no ambition or have no interest in me. But I’d never say that to a stranger.

I’m more inclined to say that being a singleton isn’t a black and white choice. You may meet people who want to be with you but who aren’t everything to you. You wait for someone who is not necessarily better, but is better for you. You find the person with the flaws you’re happy to live with. You give love to the person who least threatens to break it. You share your joys with the one who brings you it in bucket loads and you love the person who chooses you and isn’t paralysed by the amount of choice available to him.

For men and women there are copious amounts of people ready to point the blame on you. Sometimes it is your fault because your actions have put you in a situation where you’re alone. Sometimes it’s your partners fault for not valuing you enough to keep you. Other times it’s because:

You’re shallow – although I know many shallow people, wading away in their kiddy pool of love. Birds of a feather flock together. Think the last season of Beauty and the geek, when the two beauties found love and superficiality all in one nest.

You’re too independent – Probably an issue….Probably my issue.

You’re afraid of commitment – can’t be true. Think Hugh Hefner. Actually is he uncommitted or overcommitted? I’ve known many men who are never single and never committed. The trick is in dating many and dating often. If they’re single, it’s definitely a choice. I know, because they’re always good looking and they’re always the ones we fall for.

You’re a slob – gross but not necessarily a problem to everyone. If female slob met Bob the slob I believe they could be very happy. Or if clean freak met Bob the slob and one managed to compensate for the other’s deficiencies then everyone could get freaky and be squeaky clean.

You’re a douchebag … then you can’t be helped! It's true. Ok it’s not. Usually you’re the ones making women single because you’re a douchebag douching around with douchebag women in douchebag places doing unforgivable douchebag things. You’re the reason you’re single but there are too many of you and you always seem to find another one just like you somewhere. Makes you wish you were a douche because of their availability… only joking, I’m not THAT desperate!

You’re addicted to gaming – maybe if you gamed with a girl you could live in eternal gaming bliss. Super Mario was a character in a video game and he was Italian. Everyone likes Italians. Problem solved.

You’re desperate – in the animal world, animals let out a mating call to attract the opposite sex. No I’m not telling you to date an animal. That’s gross but I don’t believe desperation is a turn off because many women preach that in putting yourself out there you’re more likely to be noticed. If you’re more noticed, you’re more often caught. Go ahead and be desperate. Love’s worth putting your heart on the line for and some guy or girl somewhere will appreciate how happily vulnerable you are to them.

You’re the nice guy – and damn you for it! It’s not the reason you’re single though. Most nice guys fall for the control freak and happily buy her Jimmy Choos to have her walk all over him while wearing them. I have fallen for the nice guy often. He however has charming and confident attached to his nice guy title and this means I am competing in a jungle of Jimmy-Choo stompers who could poke your eye out with their stiletto on the way. Nice guy is single because of the array of women available to him. Nice guy is usually non-committal. He is single because he wants to be. He is not single because of any fatal flaw. If you’re the nice girl then your kindness might be mistaken for flirtation. It means you’re attracting lots of men but not necessarily the ones you want. Be kind to all. Be selective when you flirt. Nice girl and nice guy are an ideal match but they almost never meet because of the girl below.

You’re a control freak – then you are with Mr Nice guy.  How did you get him? If you’re not with him, you should be. You will be. You guys should talk and balance out your issues.

You’re too shy – Also not an issue. I know many shy couples who shied away from the noise but found each other in their quiet librarian corners and quote Jane Austen, whisper Shakespeare and travel the globe together. Ok they don’t do all of that. But they are shy and they found love. Non-issue. Next.

You’re selfish – usually a problem after the fact. So you can still score dates but maybe not sustain them. Work on it. Relationships are obviously about self-sacrifice and putting the other first. I read a great article the other day that said marriage (or relationships) require daily affirmations that require you to start the day by asking how you can put your loved one first that day. When they do that, they get everything they want in return because giving is far better than receiving. You already know that.

You’re broke – get a job. Are you broke because you’re a writer? An artist? Or were you made redundant? Some women are happy to be with men who earn less than them. It’s about the love not the finances. It’s much cheaper to borrow money than marry for money and not for love. If you’re the girl that’s broke – I think we still live in a fairly patriarchal society that is content to see men look after women. That’s not anti-feminist it’s realistic.

You’re friends are a**holes – your choice. Change it.

You’re in love with yourself – I know a lot of egotistical men and women in relationships. Cancels this argument.

You’re a workaholic – find love at work. Unless you work in the media and everyone’s gay – then you’re screwed… unless you’re gay. Then you’re screwed. Differently.

You’re a pervert – Nope, I know lots of perverts. It’s ok to look…but it’s better if you don’t. How pervy are you? Perfect your game please.

You’re boring – Nope. I know a lot of boring couples.

You’re obnoxious/arrogant – Nope. They’re married too - usually to very patient people or to stupid people. Or to patient stupid people. Stupid people.

You’re a liar – good way to snare someone in. Good luck trying to maintain the act. Change this. You’ll sustain relationships way better unless it’s pathological. If this is the case, seek help. Maybe there’s someone at the institute for you? Maybe you can date your psychologist?

Or like me, you’re just so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share you . Yep. That must be it. ;-)

Under the Sea, darling it's better, down where it's wetter...

 

The little Mermaid taught us a valuable lesson in its theme song, “under the sea.” The lyrics read: 

Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor

Such wonderful things surround you
What more are you looking for

Under the sea, under the sea
Darlin’ it’s better
Down where it’s wetter,
Take it from me

Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away

While we devotin’
Full time to floatin’
Under the sea

I’ve never believed that the saying that there were plenty more fish in the sea was true. In the dating world, this was a response to some miserable newly single sod who couldn’t see beyond his grief but he continued crying because he knew better. He knew it would be a struggle to find, lock in and connect with a new person. 

Love is ridiculous and the risk of exposing yourself entirely to a stranger with hope of no judgment and security is petrifying and idiotic if you were to rationalize it but for the thrill of finding the person who’ll stay we risk embarrassment anyway. 

I had the search for a soul mate described to me through a Google Advanced Search analogy. He (for a change) said, if you go through the motions of doing a Google Advanced Search when researching then you run the risk of your search yielding no results. The longer your list, the narrower the results, the less likelihood you have of finding your ideal match. 

I didn’t like what he was suggesting because it would mean the end to specificity on my list. While we both agreed that everyone has a right to be fussy about their future, he decided he didn’t want love unless it was perfect while I considered the merit of making compromises on what is trivial or negotiable in order to find true love. 

I believe one of the greatest miracles in life is finding love because against all odds, one person finds you among billions sees all of your flaws and chooses to stay with you anyway. If there was a man willing to do that for me, I sure as hell was going to give him a chance….but not without my checklist (I still have standards). 

However, what I realized in days past’ is that when my checklist became less refined, I was swimming in a whole new ocean of eligible bachelors. 

For centuries men have argued the right to keep their options open, to play the field and as such have battled with the limitations of monogamy. Women began to embrace this mentality during the sexual revolution of the 1960’s but not without a sexual stigma. 

I haven’t cracked. This isn’t one of those posts. My polygamous thoughts have not been about being with many but about thinking of many… till one emerges as supreme. 

I do take issue with this free spirited thinking though even though it’s my own because the same treatment is being reciprocated to me and I don’t like it one bit!

It seems while I was diving to the depths of my ocean, other girls took a dip and we all ran into the same big fish that is currently testing the waters. Now my water is murky. Yuck!

He’s enjoying his leisurely paddle through paradise (it’s a pool full of women – of course he was) and so he should – he’s quite a catch and it’s been a while since he’s been allowed to enjoy this sort of attention.  With adoration from the starfish (me) the clownfish and the jellyfish (the others) naturally he’ll basque in the glory of his bachelorism and take his time to select a soul mate (me again). While he’s doing that, he’ll connect with the catch of the day (clownfish and jellyfish) with reasons unknown to me. 

However in case this big fish has saltwater in his eyes and fails to see how fabulous I am, I have a backup plan. There are some sharks bathing in Big Fish’s pool too and they’re worth noticing. 

None of them have swum into my net yet but they have brushed close by and indicated a bit of interest so they have my attention. While ordinarily I’d advise to keep your eye on the prize, for the first time I see that the ocean is in fact full of flirty fish and maybe there’s merit in meeting them too for a chance that they may be better suited to me.  

I’m not sleeping around, I’m swimming around and as a starfish, it’s my right to explore the ocean I’m in. Starfish before me have been doing it for centuries and we’re not extinct yet so the strategy must have worked.

The ocean is deep, the fish are many and the lessons are far from learnt. While I’m getting better at untangling myself from the seaweed and escaping the catfish’s bite, I’m not through meeting the other stars of the sea so if Big Fish is too busy to give me my deserved attention, I’ll happily busy myself too, and maybe even meet another starfish ….

Excuse me while I take a dive in the pool of deep, dark and very handsome, there may be bigger fish to fry.  

Under the sea, under the sea
Darlin’ it’s better
Down where it’s wetter,
Take it from me ....

When times are tough you must play rough!!

My friend and I have fiercely been mapping out a game plan of how she can seduce and keep the man of her dreams. Why she has any male problems at all is a mystery to me; she's stunning, fit, thin, and intelligent and is so sweet but that goodness has so far only attracted the senseless and the steroid-induced.

The day we discussed her dating dilemmas was the day I overheard a separate set of females also plotting to win over the same man. The diva in me was about to tell these sisters to step aside, my friend after all was the only person good enough to be with this man. These women however, were all singing from the same hymn book and the lyrics sounded something like Irene Cara’s ‘holding out for a hero.’ 

The sisters after unreturned calls, agonizing nights waiting by the phone, drunken and dateless dusks out had decided to wear the pants - they weren’t waiting for men to take over they were doing it for themselves.

Lucky or unlucky men? I can't decide.

I pondered on whether it would be easier if we just did the asking but I didn’t like the ramifications of doing that. The end of men asking us out would shred chivalry to bits.

No more proposals, no more romance but on the plus side, since most women of our time are such control freaks it would also mean the end of our man-made insanity. If we no longer had to fret about who was asking who, what it meant if he did or didn’t text, what it meant if he took us to McDonald’s over Aria (apart from the calorie counting), what on earth would we women do with all of our time?

Men would be emasculated and lazy because of it and we’d never know if the person we were with was with us for us or just for convenience. In my idealistic mind, it’s much more interesting seeing the man work for your love, vying for your attention and pleased in his conquest. 

On the flip side, with the increase in demand for men and lack of supply, I wholeheartedly accept why women would rather chase and lose than never run the race and feel the rush that comes with winning.

I look at love like a crystal meth addict. It eats away at your brain, your looks fade with more of its use and it's damn costly to your lifestyle but the thrill is too intense a rush, the joy too deep, the addiction too unbearable that stopping it is deadly painful.

Sign me up we all used to say to the torture until these women took control but it seems while we're all addicted to the high, we're all buying from the same dealer and while he’ll flirt with many, he’ll only truly want to be with one. Game on? You betchya!

One of the women I know has to compete with five other women for one man's attention. She’s doing an ok job of sustaining his interest but it pains me to see the daily mental struggle involved with chasing. It means daily affirmations that you are good enough, it means allowing jealousy to overcome you (and that’s ugly), wondering if he is responsive out of courtesy, kindness or adoration. It's true what they say, it's rough out there in the dating world. 

She doesn’t just have women of the same age, good looks and intelligence to compete with – she also has the gay community questioning his sexuality and also competing for his heart. 

Then there are all of these ridiculous rules to follow. Like the stupid, don't call after the first date for three days? Don't kiss on the first date, don't be the one to text first... The list goes on and the migraine lingers.  

I’m not testifying to the Gospel according to “Dating 101” but as painful as the wait can be, distance gives clarity, courtship gives you something to look forward to and that call after a little bit of a waiting period is the crystal meth fix I was talking about; addictive, amazing and mind-altering. Amorousness follows. Neurosis ensues. Love grows. Hallelujah and amen to that!

I'm from the school of thought that if you like someone you should do something about it. Whatever is within your comfort zone is as far as you should go. Be noticed but don’t compromise your morality and  be kind to yourself if the object of your affection, objects to your advances. Play by the rules, or step dangerously outside of the lines, whatever you choose, know that finding love is worth the struggle. Here’s hoping my friend wins her man and that everyone feels free enough to follow and find love. 

Heartbreak can be devastating. Picking yourself up to search for love again can be the mightiest struggle you’ll have to endure but it’s worth the search, no matter how rough you might have to play.

In words better than I could articulate, “it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”