Starting anew from New Year’s on…

A little over a year ago when I began this blog, I searched for an outlet for my verbosity. More often than not, I have something to say, but I didn’t just want to write about something that mattered to me, I wanted to write about social glue, the world’s adhesive that connects us all and that would keep you reading. Love would always be the answer to that.

It’s been the pacemaker for a  tumultuous 2011. This year has been a tough one for many. There has been more grief in 365 days than people have known their entire lifetimes and the hope is that when you reach the darkest of places, light will shine somewhere, someplace somehow. Two weeks ago I wrote how love saved me in my grief. 
 
What strengthens us to survive is hope in love - greater than we give, stronger than we feel and more than we deserve. In my life, this is how I’ve got to know and experience its meaning.  
 
This year, I've seen the evaporation of hope in my own and in my friend’s lives. Even if momentary, it stands as the loneliest moment of life. It is dark, it is still, it is silent. We wait on love to heal us. It’s what we wish for every New Year, it’s what we share every Christmas, and it’s our life support. Switched off, we are dull, emotionless and empty. Switched on, we are restored, revived and renewed. 

When love speaks it reminds you that everything is going to be ok and thank God for it because so many of us this year have needed the reminder. 
 
I had friends grieve loved ones, I've seen the breakdown of marriages, I've seen the grievance of health once taken for granted in many people undeserving of the grief (not that anyone ever deserves sadness). The secret to healing for each heartache (no matter how broken the situation or the person in it) was love because it breathes hope back into our lives.

Hope is what separates a new year from an old one. Time passes and although we don’t see the change, we are strengthened to make change because hope makes it seem possible and love drives the dream. 

 At midnight on 1/01 2012, families will start the year together and be grateful for a new beginning, some people will seek forgiveness, some will search for the perfect pairing to share in a New Year’s kiss and others will look to spend another year planning life and living love with those they hold dear. At midnight the world speaks one language and says a prayer for hope, for joy for peace and for love. 

Before the midnight fireworks, the world waits with baited breath to say a prayer, pop open a bottle of champagne, to kiss a loved one, to remember love lost and hope for a new beginning. Second chances begin at midnight and somehow miraculously clean the slate of a bad year gone by. On New Year’s Eve we reflect on what we have done, what we are doing and what we will do in the year to come. We smile at our highs and we grow from our lows and surround ourselves with the people that exist to better us. We resolve to be our best and have the finest of people and experiences in our lives. 

We open ourselves up for new adventure. We dispense with fear. We welcome love and reject dread of love hurting us. We don’t worry about the ‘what-ifs,’ and for one night, everything feels possible. A big part of that encouragement is that on New Year’s, we are always surrounded by those we love, inspiring a better you. 

With love inside us and beside us, we decide to be better, not just for that moment, not just for a day, but for the entire year before us. We give love, we receive love and we let love change us. 

Here’s hoping that the New Year answers your prayers, evaporates your fears, restores your hope, revives your dreams and most importantly, brings you love.
 

Starting anew from New Year’s on…

A little over a year ago when I began this blog, I searched for an outlet for my verbosity. More often than not, I have something to say, but I didn’t just want to write about something that mattered to me, I wanted to write about social glue, the world’s adhesive that connects us all and that would keep you reading. Love would always be the answer to that.

It’s been the pacemaker for a  tumultuous 2011. This year has been a tough one for many. There has been more grief in 365 days than people have known their entire lifetimes and the hope is that when you reach the darkest of places, light will shine somewhere, someplace somehow. Two weeks ago I wrote how love saved me in my grief.


I'm also by no means the only one who has experienced sadness this year. In 2011, I've seen the evaporation of hope in my own and in my friend’s lives. Even if momentary, it stands as the loneliest moment of life.  It is still, it is silent and it is scary. Having hope snatched from you is not a visible theft but it does make you feel poorer, robbed of joy and a little bit lifeless. We wait on love to heal us. It’s what we wish for every New Year, it’s what we share every Christmas, and it’s our life support. Switched off, we are emotionless and empty. Switched on, we are restored, revived and renewed.

What strengthens us to survive is hope in love - greater than we give, stronger than we feel and more than we deserve. In my life, this is how I’ve got to know and experience its meaning.  

When love speaks it reminds you that everything is going to be ok and thank God for it because so many of us this year have needed the reminder. 
 
I had friends part with loved ones, I've seen the breakdown of marriages, I've seen the grievance of health once taken for granted in many people undeserving of the grief (not that anyone ever deserves sadness). The secret to healing for each heartache (no matter how broken the situation or the person in it) was love because it breathes hope back into our lives.

Hope is what separates a new year from an old one. Time passes and although we don’t see the change, we are strengthened to make change because hope makes it seem possible and love drives the dream. 

 At midnight on 1/01 2012, families and friends will start the year together and be grateful for a new beginning, some people will seek forgiveness, some will search for the perfect pairing to share in a New Year’s kiss and others will look to spend another year planning life and living love with those they hold dear. At midnight the world speaks one language of hope, joy, peace and love. 

Before the midnight fireworks, the world waits with baited breath to say a prayer, pop open a bottle of champagne, to kiss a loved one, to remember love lost and hope for a new beginning. Second chances begin at midnight and somehow miraculously clean the slate of a bad year gone by. On New Year’s Eve we reflect on what we have done, what we are doing and what we will do in the year to come. We smile at our highs and we grow from our lows and surround ourselves with the people that exist to better us. We resolve to be our best and have the finest of people and experiences in our lives. 

We open ourselves up to new adventure. We dispense with fear. We welcome love and reject dread of love hurting us. We don’t worry about the ‘what-ifs,’ and for one night, everything feels possible. A big part of that encouragement is that on New Year’s, we are always surrounded by those we love, inspiring a better you. 

With love inside us and beside us, we decide to be better, not just for that moment, not just for a day, but for the entire year before us. We give love, we receive love and we let love change us. 

Here’s hoping that the New Year answers your prayers, evaporates your fears, restores your hope, revives your dreams and most importantly, brings you love.

Befriending your girlfriends’ boyfriends….and boy friend’s girlfriends (for the blokes who read this).

Relationships are trying - not just on you but on your friendships as well. Although we'd love to think it's just us and our partners; families and friendships are affected too but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

This week has been a week where I've connected at some level with my close friend's partners and they all get an A on their report cards. During recent pillow talk with one of my besties, I confided that as her friend my greatest joy was in seeing her happy. This vicarious joy substantiated my initial critical eye because I'd accept nothing shy of perfection for my perfect friends.

Naturally when someone is dear to you, you wish for the best for them because you share in the highs and lows of their lives and because if you're going to be replaced, you want to be sure and comforted that that replacement (that partner) is going to treat your friend better than you would.

Recently, I've had the pleasure of accepting defeat to a few men who have me floored by their willingness to share in our friendship group. They are my girlfriend's partners and they are quickly becoming friends of my own. My friend's have great taste in friendship since they're friends with yours truly so you could say that me befriending their men was inevitable.

I’m someone who overcompensates for the silence around me and talks and talks, even if its mindless and meaningless banter. Occasionally that gets me in trouble but generally, it’s a winning formula, making those around me feel a little more comfortable during potentially awkward first chats.

If you’re looking at your love as a long term thing, it’s always best to welcome in those who will stick around for your lifetime.  Just like the boys pledge allegiance to "bros before hoes" (gosh I hate that reference) we women swear by “chicks before dicks,” (hate that expression too). If we are loyal to our friends, we’ll be utterly opposed to let her put you before us unless you win us (her friend’s) over.

Mother Theresa once said, “if we judge others, we leave no room for ourselves to love them,” so in that vain, I’ve tried to recently reserve judgement.  In the game of love, I drew a new card and happily let my friend’s partners win. I gained new friendships in the process.

In a recent get together, one friend's husband kindly called us his new friends. He felt at home, occasionally he'd miss us, he'd welcome us into his home and he said that in marrying my friend, he now had a few new friends to call his own. We were so touched that he'd joined our clan. He is the guy we knew would be deserving of our friend. He was someone that loved her so much that loving her extended self (us) was second nature. It was not hard work, it was natural and it was perfect.

When we would talk about the type of man we'd want for our friends, when we'd talk about future partners and holidays away together, we would always revert back to the example of this model husband. We'd want our partners to get on with him and we'd want them to get on just as well as we do with our girlfriends. Well done friend's husband. You know who you are.

In another episode of friend meets boyfriend a Christmas car ride revealed a mutual appreciation for each other’s company. We were acquainted for a while but never really had the chance to spend time to get to properly know each other. His partnership with my friend opened up that door and his entrance into our friendship group was a very welcome one.

He shared the sentiment and said it was great that we'd finally got the chance to chat. Concisely, he said 'it's good," and good it is. What I love about this guy is how he looks at my friend. How quickly he rushes to do anything she asks, how he never complains and quickly forgives, how he welcomes her to his family and best of all how he makes her friends his own.

The third example came by request. A friends partner rushed to do me a favour when I really needed it. He didn't complain (maybe because he's male) he just happily complied. I'm guessing it's for three reasons; to please my friend and to please me to please my friend and let's also throw in the fact that some people (rare as it may be) do good things simply for goodness' sake.

What all three have In common is a great nature, a great love for my friends and a great desire to share in every part of my friend's lives and that means passing the posse test to share in the fun.

There’s great benefit in doing so. Best friends are gatekeepers to everything relating to your girlfriends and befriending us means entry into our kingdom.  In winning us over, you’ve gained a few more helping hands when you’re organising a surprise, it means shopping for your loved ones is always a winning buy (because we’ll happily help with that) and it means that when the road gets rocky, we’ll remind our friends to fight fair (because if you play it right, we’ll love you, enjoy your friendship and love you being with our friends).

Strangers are friendships waiting to happen so while you enter our worlds as outsiders always make a point to leave our company as friends…you’ll be better for it.

Resourceful Romance

I love social networking. In my field it’s always important to expand my network and add names and numbers to my contact book. Through social networking, that list has been further extended; special mentions go to Skype, LinkedIn and Twitter for allowing ‘work,’ and play to friskily intertwine.

This year, I have mingled plenty and have discovered the world of online flirtation. I never search for them, nor do I subscribe to online dating sites (I haven’t reached that level of desperation just yet) but I have been followed, tweeted and happily linked to an array of attractive, intelligent, successful men who happen to also like what they see. It’s a good photo (will aim to walk around with that smile and pose for all of 2012 in hope that it works in real life situations).

This week, a new connection, emailed to say hello and a few other things. I won’t lie, it was thrilling. To have a complete stranger send me a message of…umm…flattery was nice. As far as I could tell he wasn’t after anything, he just wanted to say something sweet because he could.  Nicer still was the fact that he wasn’t a wannabe migrant overseas flirting for a visa (sweeping generalization, but we’ve all been victim to that kind of terror talk which is always unwelcome).

Better yet was that this was not the first instance of social networking aiding what I like to call resourceful romance. During a little office gossip session on the men using their computers to court women, we concluded that while online dating used to be a painful admission that you were failing in the real world, nowadays, everyone is looking for romance everywhere and anywhere. Few have the time to seek out relationships with our long hours of work and busy ‘single’ social lives. We decided to look at these men as opportunistic rather than desperate, after all, there’s no bad way to take a compliment.

While I don’t think I’d date these men ( I’m still weary of whoever might be hiding behind the screens and the emails) I have enjoyed the ego-boost that comes with someone I find attractive finding me attractive too.

What is meritorious about this is that it actually requires a bit of effort to keep an email chain going and since they’re doing something that they don’t have to do and going out of their way to be nice, just because, I was enjoying being charmed and was not going to be high, mighty and judgemental about it. Instead, for a change, I’d participate.

This flirtation at my fingertips got me thinking about the opportunities available to people in search of romance that they do/don’t use.

For ‘research,’ I was reading an article wherein a relationship expert at a singles convention (no I didn’t attend) chose to motivationally speak to the masses and remind the women in waiting to get out and live in order to meet someone. Sounds simple.

The speaker discussed how most of us are creatures of habit and needed to engage in life beyond our small, safe spheres.

There’s no denying that being single means you’re probably very social. That’s true to me and many of you. What it means is that we’re often having to schedule romance in or worse still, missing out on it altogether because we stick to the same routine, the same people, the same places. It’s difficult to manage a ‘single’ and socially active life. You go to work, go to the gym, catch up with a friend (or a group of them) for coffee and before you know it your week is over. No new faces. No new relationships. Plenty of missed opportunity.  

No I’m not saying ditch your friends. I’m saying expand your friendship circle. Try new things. See new people. Maximise your outreach and appeal in all of your social settings. Speak up. Speak out. Be noticed. Be you because that’s all you need to attract ‘the one,’ just be somewhere where you might meet people.

My gay friend and I were perving on an ultra-attractive male that was walking by us today. We caught each other in the act, laughed about it and he commented, “I’m sorry, I always try to be subtle, but clearly, I’m failing at it.” Subtlety is boring and unnecessary I think.

Obviously, you don’t want to come on too strong but you only need a bit of social sense to know where the line is between sweet and sleazy. I know you already know where that line is because you’re reading this blog and all of my readers are striking and smart.

ANYWAY…back to my point….after our perve, we moved on to pontificating about the stupidity of subtlety. If life is short and we’re all about seizing the day and making the most of the fateful opportunities before us, why is it that where it matters most, we shy away from admitting our feelings. Sure it can be humiliating if we’re rejected, but isn’t the ultimate gain of love worth the risk? Isn’t it serendipitous enough that you’re in the same place at the same time and out of the billions of people in the world, somehow God or fate or whatever you believe has brought you to that point to give you a chance at getting to know each other?

Here is where my upbringing conflicts with my character. I chase people for a living, I’m paid to do it, I am a control freak, a go-getter, am fiercely determined where a goal is in sight but have traditional values and appreciate courtship. Generally if I see something/someone that I want, it takes everything in me to hold back and it just about kills me waiting for responses (because I’m so used to instantaneous replies at work and in friendships). If you want to annoy me, holding back is how. With romance, the happy compromise that I’ve found is in flirting back.

I don’t think it’s tarty or cheap to show someone you’re interested in, that you are interested. Quite the opposite actually…. it’s empowering.  This means living without regret, knowing you always did what you could and it’s one step closer to finding the one. No games. No rules. No headache. Just honesty – the best policy.

We have mouths to speak what our hearts and heads are feeling and thinking. We have fingers to call, text and type to bridge a gap where our feet can’t take us and we have a plethora of ways to access the people we want, where we want, when we want (please excuse the stalker in me - don’t judge…we all do it).

The point is love (or at least initial interest) is everywhere. Gumption gets you closer to finding it and being resourceful with the options and opportunities before you will mean romance is closer than you imagined. Be a doer..not a dreamer.

The first move may be the hardest to make, but it takes two to tango and the first step to the dance is asking if someone will join you.

Why I write about love...

It’s been a rough couple of weeks and when fear set in about the situation I was in, faith, family and friends stepped in to remind me that when all else failed, I had love to save me.

I’m often asked why I chose to write about love and my answer changes from time to time as I learn more about what I’m writing. My answer used to be because it is universal, because it is searched for, longed for, craved and fought for and is something that always retains its value. It’s one of the few things that we come back for even when it has hurt us because we know exactly how good it can be when it’s present and when it’s perfect.

My answer today for why I write about love is simply, because it heals.

In my weakness, I am thankful for my faith because in my insecurity, in the midst of my troubles, in the darkest and loneliest of places, it reminds me that I’m being thought of. I’m reminded that a greater being has a bigger plan and that that plan is brought into fruition as a symbol of God’s love for me. It means as much as I hate what is happening, what is happening is in my best interest, and knowledge of that love comforts and saves me.

I’m far from perfect and even further from clarity about why horrible things happen in the world and the thought is something that I struggle with often but the positive that I know and have experienced is that when life hurts, love heals and that love is seen at its peak, when I’ve been at my weakest.

The same rings true the world over. When disaster strikes, the kindness chord is struck in the hearts of many. Suddenly, the world responds as brethren and we forget ourselves for a second to think of others, to give, to help, to aid, to rebuild the lives of those who’ve had it broken (think the famine in Somalia, the earthquakes in New Zealand and Japan, the Hurricanes in New Orleans and how the world stopped to help).

I don’t know for sure that disaster strikes to stir us into action but I do know that when our worlds spiral out of control and a hand is stretched out to help us; be it from a stranger or a friend, our cores are shaken. When we know love exists, we’re moved to live better, to live longer and to live lovingly.

Faith has taught me those virtues too. It reminds me to give love as I am loved and it’s a virtue reiterated throughout the Bible. Love is a unifying virtue in all faiths because it is as old as time and is crucial to our survival.

Through faith, I’m told to hang tight when I feel like I’m losing my grip. It supports my grip by telling me that there is another hand holding me up and then it sends me family and friends as angels to protect my heart and preserve my happiness.

Love from family and friends over my whole life but particularly over the past fortnight have nursed me to health, have encouraged my growth, have inspired my positivity (and this post) and have shown me the gifts that God has sent me in this life, when life seems unkind or unjust.

Faith, family and friendship have given me love to make me the happiest when I’ve been broken, to make me the wealthiest when my spirit is poor, have made me the warmest when my heart was frozen from feeling.

Love this fortnight restored me when I didn’t care for its presence in my life. It’s something that seeks you out to save you and it surprises you when it comes in the volumes that it does.

It’s humbling too. When you are shutting the world out, love is knocking at your heart’s door. Love is infinitely poured into your life when you’re least deserving of it. It teaches you that you need it more than life itself and if you’re as lucky as I am, love will bring you back to life.

Every religion will claim to preach it.

Every person in the world will seek it.

Every broken heart craves it.

Every friend practices it.

Every family needs it. It defines my own.

Every tongue speaks it.

Every kind act shows it.

Every brain thinks of it.

Every heart feels it.

Love is at our core and no person is without it (or wants to be).

I write about love because nothing matters when you have it and everything is nothing, when you don’t.

The best friend, a fiend.

We're all beauty kings and queens in search of world peace until you meet your love's best friend who happens to be the other gender. World peace vanishes and you become destructive, you become much more interested in world domination and that means kicking your lovers BFF off your island.

If this is survivor, they are the outcast and you do all you can to kick this waste of space out of the race. Normally you wouldn't be so unkind to someone. You may even be friends in other instances but when she's taking more of your boyfriend’s time than you are, the girl has got to
go!!!

I'd love to say that we're all really liberal and ready to let love in in every circumstance but most girls wouldn't and I admit I'd struggle with the idea of another girl taking up my man's time up. The reason for this is that you never want to be on the outskirts of their in jokes and I'm unsure of what he'd have to share with her privately that he couldn't just share with me. The situation works only if the female friend is taken and unattractive and poses no threat to your partnership.

Interestingly, many men I know feel the same about us women clinging to friendships with men who aren't them when they are your partners. The explanation given to me was that they only befriend women if they think they have a chance of being with them and if they don't desire that, they were at least initially attracted to that person. Attraction must thus have vanished or never existed to begin with.

Knowing that their brains are hard wired for sex and not much else makes men nervous about you letting other men in your life. Knowing that women rarely stick around in a female/male friendship without the thought of a future with this man crossing their mind at least once makes women nervous about these type of liaisons too. We’re no strangers to the pre relationship clause that details an agreement between you and your bestie that reads 'let's marry each other if we reach thirty and are still single." With the throw away comment safely inserted into their unspoken contract, it’s no wonder, the friendship meddles with our sanity. 

Of course this is not a blanket rule for all friendships or relationships. I know many women and men with great neutral relationships, but partners on both sides enter the relationship with caution and tread carefully until the situation is sussed out. 

The friend can't stand it. The girlfriend can't stand it. The man is left standing in the middle.

The competition starts early. This female friend will notice the diversion of his attention from her to you. She'll be everywhere he is and know everything about you. She'll profess her love to him regularly before you get a chance to do so and she'll manipulate the situation to always emerge a little closer, a little more knowledgeable and a little bit better for him than you.

She'll arrange to meet him, she'll offer him her help wherever she can, she'll happily lend an ear for complaints about you and her profile photos will always feature a special guest; YOUR boyfriend!

I get it. She's insecure, she's losing someone she cares about it and their are difficult changes that everyone has to adapt to. Fair enough as long as no sabotage is involved and she stops being territorial. When that line is drawn in the sand, you better hope she stays on her side of the sand.

I hate the sound of how hateful/hurtful this situation can be so I tried to think of instances where this could work and this is what I came up with:

1) if he/she is in a relationship
2) if he/she is happy to have you there and treats you kindly in his/her absence
3) if he/she is devoid of emotion and therefore is incapable of experiencing jealousy
4) if he/she is ugly/nonthreatening and your partner agrees with your assessment of their looks (harsh but true)!

When beautiful women fight for one man’s attention, ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ comes to mind – this scene in particular.

The problem here is that someone will always get hurt, even if it’s just your imagination going into overdrive. This will happen because life would have taught you often that three (in a relationship) is a crowd and there’s a big chance that that friend if not tapping into the physical, will emotionally occupy your partner’s heart. 

For men, it’s a silly idea from the start….trying to date two women will cost a man three times as much….and possibly your relationship in the end. A man cannot serve two masters and a woman would be exhausted with this too. 

This is a sad truth for most but being an eternal optimist I hope to find the better in the other woman (as long as she’s not his mistress).

For every woman or man struggling to accept your partner’s BFF in your life, practice love – as difficult as it can be, no one can ever hate someone who loves them. They may be annoyed by them. They may dislike them but they’ll never hate them. 

 If your man has befriended a girl before knowing you (or during), she’s probably got some admirable qualities (after all, he does have exceptional taste don’t you think ;)). You could try befriending her, you could try to see the good and if it’s still a futile effort, alert your man. He may agree and things will work for the better. 

If you still struggle to meet at a compromise and your insecurities are still stirred by her presence, then step-away from the threesome because somewhere, someone out there is happy to prioritise you and in such a case, his female friend won’t get in the way. If she does, the hope is that she’s Julia and your Cameron in the clip above and the walk down the aisle comes with the realization that her friend is YOUR man. 

Saint Basil said, “a  tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” With this in mind, love in your heart and kindness in your deeds, you will have successfully turned a fiend into a friend. 

At this point, beauty kings and queens can be re-crowned, cat-fights are avoided and the ugliness of insecurity is safely contained. When every man and woman knows their place on the island, peace can be hoped for once more and no one needs to be voted out.