Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Nature vs. Nurture debate...

There is a quote I love that applies to all aspects of my life where my patience is tested. It's by Lao Tzu who said, "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."

Lao was a philosopher and his philosophy makes sense! Our generation waits for nothing by choice. Nature tells our impatience to shove it. We’re made to wait regardless and only through hindsight does peace come to explain the wait and bring clarity to the agony we experience in waiting for something to happen. 


For many of us, we spend weeks, months, even years waiting for love. We wonder where he or she is? We wonder why they haven’t found us yet (or us them) and we wonder when they’ll come knocking.

For the most part I agree that patience is necessary and all that is natural comes into place without our external influence but that doesn't stop nature from perplexing us. Weeds still spread within the earth, seeds are sown, we plough through old weeds to start anew, new trees sprout and I'm not nearly scientific enough or stupid enough to pretend to try to explain ecosystems but somehow everything in the world works together, grows together, exists together to help another’s survival.

While all that is natural exists to keep us going I can't help think of the nature vs. nurture debate when it comes to love. Weeks ago I overheard a conversation where two people argued over whether or not people fell in love. One argued that nobody simply falls in love it is a conscious choice.

If its a conscious choice then it's more meritorious because you're mentally willing to accept the changes that will come with the partnership, your wits are about you and beyond your resistant thoughts (I don't want to call it better judgement) you submit to that desire to pursue the desirable. I tend to side with this argument because it means that love is something we can all continually work on if we accept the choice is in fact our own from the very beginning.

When we exclude ourselves from the decision making process and submit our minds and bodies to science and butterflies, then feelings permissibly fly out as quickly as they fly in. In accepting that our body, mind and heart succumbs to another’s power involuntarily and separate to our consciousness, we open the door to a river deep, mountain high stretch of excuses that exempt us from responsibility. I hate that. I’m all about owning your actions.

Science suggests that blinding hormones induced  by passionate love(making) dissipate and are responsible for that euphoria that most couples feel when they’re in love or when they’re intimate. The chemicals that imbalance our brains and fuel our hearts (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethlamine and a whole bunch of others that I can’t spell or pronounce) fluctuate in strengths through the period of your relationship. Slowly they remove your blinders and rather than extending that period wherein you are stupefied by love, it halts it and forces you to think rationally. This is where problems begin. Couples see each other differently believing a partner has changed when in  fact, it’s likely they haven’t at all – the chemicals have just worn off and it takes more than what is ‘natural’ to sustain the connection you have.

So when nature shoves nurture aside, relationships expire. When nurture partners with nature, relationships are more likely to survive.

I’m yet to experience love so I’m happy to be proven wrong but I think it’s always a decision to put someone else first. It’s always a decision to say yes or no to a date. It’s a choice to keep seeing each other. It’s a choice to give your heart away. You may lust after many. You may connect with several people in the world. You can even love them but you can only be in love with one person at a time. It is simply too much work to otherwise divide your heart. When we focus on nurturing we can only fully invest in one true love. The second we stop nurturing what was once natural is when we falter in our treatment of those we have loved and cracks in our love shack tear the foundations of what we have built.


Lao was right, nature does not hurry, so love comes when it’s supposed to but all is accomplished when people nurture what is natural. As such, there is no such thing as falling in love, just an agreement to keep working on it. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

You’re kidding me right?

I freakin’ HATE that question!

 It needs to be filed away with the two other untouchables (are you pregnant? And when do you plan to have children)? The etiquette fairies were buzzing about your jelly-for-brains-brain hollering, yelling, and warning against it. Why in Glenda the good-witches name did you ask that question? Why did you not listen to the little bird perched on your conscience telling you against your ignorant insensitive self NOT TO ASK IT!?!?

I have no answer. None of us do. Recently I’ve been telling people it’s because I’m so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share me. This sits very well with me for now.

Once upon a time in New York City on the corner of Cheese and Dream streets, this question was asked of me; “Why are you still single?” - “Why are YOU?” I retorted. This young knight (who I have since deleted off facebook to continue idealising the memory) responded, “because fate would have it that I would have to be single when I met you.” And the Oscar goes to……

He was an actor. A good one at that. I bought every word as a religious subscriber to all good romcoms. I was connected to it but not in it. This was out of body and the cynic in me yelled “what a phoney!” The romantic in me mellowed and weakened at the knees. My palms sweat uncontrollably. It didn’t help that it was about 40 degrees Celsius. Was he sweet? Yes! Attractive? Yes (except not at all in his fb profile and if I had seen it first we wouldn’t have even conversed).

He thought this line was his ticket in. He bent over and just like in a movie (because they only ever know each other for five minutes) he thought he could take us to second base. (I think second base means kissing right)? I gagged. I was actually about to throw up in his face. It was horrendous and hilarious all at once.  Just like that we moved from Cinderella to NOWAYFELLA!

I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it. Mum would be proud. Dad will never know about it. Everyone be quiet. 

There is to be no commentary on my frigidity being the cause of my single status. Please and thank you.

It wasn’t that I was frigid; it was just that I couldn’t be intimate with a stranger. I’d have to have a bit of interest in him and this was all too much too soon.

I know what you boys are thinking – if you’re too forward we hate it and if you’re not romantic enough we whinge. The message is one of balance. Be intimate when you know the girl not in the first five minutes. Be judicious with your words but uninhibited with your actions and your deeds will let love lead the way.

But what do I know? I’m single right?!

Well… being single gives you a lot more thinking time about what you would and wouldn’t accept for yourself.

Dealbreakers for me are a lack of religion because it’s how I’d want to raise my children, a lack of manners, a lack of ambition and a lack of interest in me. With those, I’m able to answer the dreaded question…

I’m single because the men I’ve met haven’t agreed on religion. Haven’t had manners. Have no ambition or have no interest in me. But I’d never say that to a stranger.

I’m more inclined to say that being a singleton isn’t a black and white choice. You may meet people who want to be with you but who aren’t everything to you. You wait for someone who is not necessarily better, but is better for you. You find the person with the flaws you’re happy to live with. You give love to the person who least threatens to break it. You share your joys with the one who brings you it in bucket loads and you love the person who chooses you and isn’t paralysed by the amount of choice available to him.


For men and women there are copious amounts of people ready to point the blame on you. Sometimes it is your fault because your actions have put you in a situation where you’re alone. Sometimes it’s your partners fault for not valuing you enough to keep you. Other times it’s because:

You’re shallow – although I know many shallow people, wading away in their kiddy pool of love. Birds of a feather flock together. Think the last season of Beauty and the geek, when the two beauties found love and superficiality all in one nest.

You’re too independent – Probably an issue….Probably my issue.

You’re afraid of commitment – can’t be true. Think Hugh Hefner. Actually is he uncommitted or overcommitted? I’ve known many men who are never single and never committed. The trick is in dating many and dating often. If they’re single, it’s definitely a choice. I know, because they’re always good looking and they’re always the ones we fall for.

You’re a slob – gross but not necessarily a problem to everyone. If female slob met Bob the slob I believe they could be very happy. Or if clean freak met Bob the slob and one managed to compensate for the other’s deficiencies then everyone could get freaky and be squeaky clean.

You’re a douchebag … then you can’t be helped! It's true. Ok it’s not. Usually you’re the ones making women single because you’re a douchebag douching around with douchebag women in douchebag places doing unforgivable douchebag things. You’re the reason you’re single but there are too many of you and you always seem to find another one just like you somewhere. Makes you wish you were a douche because of their availability… only joking, I’m not THAT desperate!

You’re addicted to gaming – maybe if you gamed with a girl you could live in eternal gaming bliss. Super Mario was a character in a video game and he was Italian. Everyone likes Italians. Problem solved.

You’re desperate – in the animal world, animals let out a mating call to attract the opposite sex. No I’m not telling you to date an animal. That’s gross but I don’t believe desperation is a turn off because many women preach that in putting yourself out there you’re more likely to be noticed. If you’re more noticed, you’re more often caught. Go ahead and be desperate. Love’s worth putting your heart on the line for and some guy or girl somewhere will appreciate how happily vulnerable you are to them.

You’re the nice guy – and damn you for it! It’s not the reason you’re single though. Most nice guys fall for the control freak and happily buy her Jimmy Choos to have her walk all over him while wearing them. I have fallen for the nice guy often. He however has charming and confident attached to his nice guy title and this means I am competing in a jungle of Jimmy-Choo stompers who could poke your eye out with their stiletto on the way. Nice guy is single because of the array of women available to him. Nice guy is usually non-committal. He is single because he wants to be. He is not single because of any fatal flaw. If you’re the nice girl then your kindness might be mistaken for flirtation. It means you’re attracting lots of men but not necessarily the ones you want. Be kind to all. Be selective when you flirt. Nice girl and nice guy are an ideal match but they almost never meet because of the girl below.


You’re a control freak – then you are with Mr Nice guy.  How did you get him? If you’re not with him, you should be. You will be. You guys should talk and balance out your issues.

You’re too shy – Also not an issue. I know many shy couples who shied away from the noise but found each other in their quiet librarian corners and quote Jane Austen, whisper Shakespeare and travel the globe together. Ok they don’t do all of that. But they are shy and they found love. Non-issue. Next.

You’re selfish – usually a problem after the fact. So you can still score dates but maybe not sustain them. Work on it. Relationships are obviously about self-sacrifice and putting the other first. I read a great article the other day that said marriage (or relationships) require daily affirmations that require you to start the day by asking how you can put your loved one first that day. When they do that, they get everything they want in return because giving is far better than receiving. You already know that.

You’re broke – get a job. Are you broke because you’re a writer? An artist? Or were you made redundant? Some women are happy to be with men who earn less than them. It’s about the love not the finances. It’s much cheaper to borrow money than marry for money and not for love. If you’re the girl that’s broke – I think we still live in a fairly patriarchal society that is content to see men look after women. That’s not anti-feminist it’s realistic.

You’re friends are a**holes – your choice. Change it.

You’re in love with yourself – I know a lot of egotistical men and women in relationships. Cancels this argument.

You’re a workaholic – find love at work. Unless you work in the media and everyone’s gay – then you’re screwed… unless you’re gay. Then you’re screwed. Differently.

You’re a pervert – Nope, I know lots of perverts. It’s ok to look…but it’s better if you don’t. How pervy are you? Perfect your game please.

You’re boring – Nope. I know a lot of boring couples.

You’re obnoxious/arrogant – Nope. They’re married too - usually to very patient people or to stupid people. Or to patient stupid people. Stupid people.

You’re a liar – good way to snare someone in. Good luck trying to maintain the act. Change this. You’ll sustain relationships way better unless it’s pathological. If this is the case, seek help. Maybe there’s someone at the institute for you? Maybe you can date your psychologist?

Or like me, you’re just so fabulous that God isn’t ready to share you . Yep. That must be it. ;-)


Monday, March 12, 2012

Food for thought: Offering lip service.

I looked like this the other day.



Which is a problem on a normal day – but it’s even worse when you think you look like this.



In really good lighting, with the right airbrush and surgeon and beautician and personal trainer and...you get it. Nobody said I couldn't dream. 

Now put Gerard Butler or Ryan Gosling next to you, when you think you look like Kim Kardashian but look more like Kristen Wiig in the picture above and multiply your humiliation by a thousand, add a bit of trauma, subtract your ego, divide your pride, and you’re left with nothing. No date, no mutual attraction, no dignity.


….That must be why Victoria Beckham never smiles



Clever girl.

This was the situation I was faced with weeks ago. I was out at dinner with a new bunch of people.

Naturally, I turned on the charm. Naturally, my mouth didn’t agree with me.

On a normal day, I look like this.



Cute huh! They get so red, they could stop traffic when I smile. 

Thankfully, the good people around me always let me know. It’s either too much chit chat or too much smiling. Either way less talk, more action is what's required. 

 I’m yet to work out how to avoid a lipstick on teeth situation and yes, I’ve tried Oprah’s suggestion without success (it’s the first time Oprah’s failed me). I was mortified too!

(For those less fanatical that involves putting your index finger into your mouth and pulling it out to get the lipstick from inside your mouth, off. It's way less erotic than that sounds. It's messy and ineffective). There are a stack of videos dedicated to reteaching this method. Beware of false prophets. 

Seek had a competition going online a few days ago for jobs you wish you could create. That would be mine. I’d create a personal teeth checker who could walk around with me all day and remind me to check my teeth between conversations, between meals, between lipstick application, between checking….basically, all the time.

I’m not feeling very philosophical. I have no existential catastrophe’s in my life at the moment (yet)– I just have an issue with etiquette this week.

Everyone would rather know when they look like a clown, before they turn into the joke of the dinner table.

I can do many things but I can’t always keep lipstick off my teeth or food from getting in them so PLEASE for the love of aesthetics tell me when my teeth are sabotaging my face.

Tell us all. Spare us the humiliation. Don’t be a contributing factor to our diminishing egos by waiting for us to get to the car and check in our car mirrors only to be mortified at the end of what we thought was a good night.

Of course be kind. Indicate first. Lick your own teeth if you're embarrassed to tell us. Most of us will mimick whatever you’re doing as a natural reaction to our attraction to you. I read somewhere that our body language mirrors the person in front of us if we have the hots for them. A google search told me. So it must be true. Test the theory. It can become a fun game of puppetry. You scratch your nose, she’ll scratch hers. You clean your teeth, she’ll clean hers. If you're a bird, she'a a bird (thank you Notebook) - True story and a necessary truth to be shared.

We may be embarrassed for a second if you tell us but at least the shame will dissipate when we’ve combatted the problem, there and then.

When this happened to me, I had actually gone to the bathroom but the lights were dim so I couldn’t tell for sure. Screwed from the start.

I went to the car at the end of a great group dinner only to realise the person looking at me was looking at my teeth. They did not look to my mouth for any other reason – contrary to what Cosmo taught me when I was sixteen.

I know there are worse things that could happen in the world but few things embarrass me. This did and always will. 

I know you're all humanitarian and are looking to do your bit for the community of women out there so I've made it easy and created a new rule of thumb for next time boys (and girls):

Don’t let the food in a girl’s mouth lurk,
Be honest and tell her she needs dental work 

(see below).




Saturday, March 10, 2012

I’ve got a love that keeps me waiting! Waiting…waiting!

I’ve got a love that keeps me waiting! Waiting…waiting!

That song has been stuck in my head for weeks. Three guesses why?

I strive for many virtues but patience is not one of them. I have none of it. It’s overrated. I’m Gen y and I want things when I want them (sorry Rosa you have permission to laugh if you’re reading this)). I can appreciate the merits of waiting. I can understand from a rational perspective why when you wait for something you are more grateful for its existence in your life because of the wait, but all of the reasoning in the entire world will not convince me that I’m ok to wait for a response from this fellow right now. I’ll get it tomorrow. Or next week but by then he runs the risk of me being over him. 

It’s not that I’m fickle. I just get frustrated with reading between the lines. I read enough. I read ALL day. I already have poor vision and now I have to squint between lines to read miniscule text that may not even be applicable to me? Is that a joke?!

We're all time-short so to combat that, I’m very straight-talking. Not interested in wasting precious minutes on the wrong person but I'll happily use them all up on you. Correction - I have happily been using/investing them in thinking of you. Please make it worth this doting.

 I’m open.

 I’m honest.

 If you ask me a question, I’ll tell you the truth. Reason being, if you live honestly (I do), you have nothing to hide (I don’t) but that somehow doesn’t exempt me from the rules of dating. I hate the rules.

Someone asked me a few days ago if when I wrote about friends I was actually writing about myself. No. Not true. I write about friends when they've allowed me to and I write about myself pretty openly when my paranoia allows me to. I wish my love life was that eventful! That rambunctious... except when I’m writing about cheating or break ups. I want none of that.

Last week I wrote for all of us women who have labored over love. Most of you agreed that it was too harsh a criticism of the playful men we have dated but my blog is called RAW because, apart from being an awesome made up acronym for what I write about, it’s also about RAW emotion – the unfiltered stuff. I discuss the pleasures and the pain of relationships and I don’t apologise for it. It’s honest and it’s real. It’s raw and it’s mine. If you disagree, write your own blog. Or tell me. Both will do. I will happily learn from you.

This week I really raw-ly wish this fellow would get cracking.


Fellow! I can see all of your good qualities. They are many and I’m adamant I’d be a better person for having you in my life but waiting for you is making me ugly (and old –yuck)!

I won’t be able to do it forever and I don’t love you but I think I could. To call it love off the bat is a bit too intense. I like you (which means more because you don't have to like everyone). I love you in the sense that if you were crossing the road and about to get hit by a bus, I’d save you – but I’d do that for anyone so it’s not exceptional love....but it could be. It’s more of a love thy neighbour sort of thing. Do you want to be neighbours? We’d see each other a lot more then instead of just sporadically.

Speaking of all that is sporadic… PICK UP THE PHONE! Not daily (or daily if you want to) but even just once in a while will do for now. You told me ages ago that I was good conversation. I know I am. I’ve based my career on it. Let’s talk!

After I have written this blog, I will be over waiting because I would have released all of my anxieties in this post. I am a page past caring.

Neurotic? A little. Passionate? Like you’ve never known. Obsessive? Hmmm…if we treat it like a character quirk rather than a sign of neurosis, maybe that could make it ok?!

I write plenty on the flaws of others so I guess it’s my turn to point the finger at myself. Aside from the above idiosyncrasies – I’m a control freak. It’s so out of hand that even the guy who makes me lunch thinks so. AND TOLD ME!



But this can be an awesome trait. It means I’m very particular about how things are done. It means more often than not I’ll do things myself. This means you’ll have more time to watch the game and do your man things. Isn't that nice! You’ll have SO MUCH spare time. It will be great. You’ll love it and you’ll love me. 

I am stubborn as hell. Imagine how much patience that will teach you. You’ll be so humble by the end of our relationship (which is only when one of us goes to our maker). This has to be for life buddy. I don't think I could handle having you temporarily. I’m practically your ticket to heaven because of all of the virtues you’ll acquire being with me.

I have foot-in-mouth disease. I say the wrong thing all the time. I also say the right thing a lot of the time too though and at least that means you’ll never need to guess what I’m thinking. No mind games – ANOTHER plus! Hooray!

I’m possessive. I’ll want to see you often but that’s way better than not wanting to see you at all. Especially if we’re together. We would have been so good together…

IF


… I wasn’t so impatient. SO I’ve waited a few weeks and two pages of a blog and now I’m done.

Yep. Over it!


                                                                  Now I'm into this guy:

Thursday, March 8, 2012

International Women's Day - a day of thanks and celebration!

Today is International Women’s Day. It comes once a year but is worked on every day in some women’s lives. March 8th is the day where women sport purple ribbons to show respect, love and gratitude to each other for fighting for equality and for enhancing economic security for women and their families globally. It is also a day to recognize that continued effort is necessary for security (personal and economic) to one day be a reality for women everywhere.

It’s a day that is underreported but is imperative to acknowledge. We all have mothers, sisters, nieces, aunts, cousins, colleagues or friends that are female, so we all have to have something to do with bringing about equality for women.

I tried to write down a list of the women who have inspired me for one reason or other and it became increasingly hard because of how many incredible women I have admired from afar or have had in my life to encourage the person that I am.

I do know, from the lessons I’ve learned from them that there is no other time that I would rather live for the opportunities I have available to me, for the people that have made where I am easier, for the luxuries I enjoy and the life that I live. For every woman and man who have helped get us here – thank you.

It’s never attractive to call yourself a feminist but today, I’m quite proudly one because I can work if I want to, I can be an at home mum if finances permit and again, if I want to. I can have children or choose not to. I can wear pants (even though I prefer skirts), but I can also figuratively wear the pants in the office, in relationships, in any situation I see fit.
I can dream beyond the borders of my house, desk or office. I can get out of bed and not have to make it. I can care and be cared for. I can nurture and I can be nurtured. I can wear heels or flats and stand just as tall in both.

I can speak or keep silent (and both will be my choice). I can scream or I can whisper. I can giggle or I can boisterously laugh.

I can dream and I can be and nobody can stop me on the way.

To my grandmother and mum – you have overcome obstacles and faced them more courageously than can be written about. You are women that have the softest hearts but the strongest conviction. You are resilient yet you are gentle, you are persistent yet you are patient, you are strong yet you are sweet. You are faithful. You are loving. You are inspiring and you are perfect. I know no love more unconditional. I know no love more serving. I know no love more selfless. If every woman was modeled on the women you are, women would be unstoppable. If I am anything, it is because you are everything.

To my sister – you are a wealth of wisdom. You have played mum from my birth and even when it was annoying to have me tag along to every outing, traipsing close behind you wherever you went – there is no better shadow for me to have been protected in. Your love has always enveloped my heart. You taught me every lesson before I cared to know it but it’s because of that foreknowledge that you armed me with, that I became as strong as I am, as cautious of my surroundings and became as fearless in my dreams. My biggest support, my loudest cheer, my closest friend – there is no greater blessing than the one that comes in a sister.

To my friends and extended family – you are amazing! You all inspire goodness in me. You encourage my dreams, you boost my ego, you make me laugh, you restore my faith in humanity, you heal my broken heart, you lift me when I am miserable. You are my joy and my life. Every day is worth living with you guys in it. You see good in everything. You are honest in your words and in your love. You teach me the value of relationships, the secret to the success of them and the power of prayer. You are all my miracles.

To my boss, who took a chance on me and believed in my success; Thank YOU! You are a woman who encourages dreams and lives them. You are someone who nurtures success, has broken the glass ceiling and proven the power of persistence. I will always be grateful for the support you give women in this industry. I will never stop learning and re-teaching your wisdoms and when I have achieved all I have hoped I will remember it was you who helped me get there (and now it’s in writing so you can hold me to it).


 I could go on forever about the women in my life but here is a gallery of women in the world who also inspire me and work for the improved welfare of women around the world. My hat goes off to these women (in no particular order).

Here are the first few that sprang to mind (I'm sure I've missed about a billion others) 


1. Oprah Winfrey -
She doesn't really need an explanation. You know I love her. You know I want to be her. A large bulk of women do. I love a rags to riches story and after an incredibly tumultuous and traumatic childhood, Oprah rose above her situation to make Forbes lists, inspire good in others, build a school for disadvantaged girls in Africa 




2. Somaly Mam - 
    I fell in love with this woman when I read her memoir "The Road of Lost Innocence." It's the true story of  a Cambodian heroine (Somaly) who was sold into prostitution at the age of 12, survived a lifetime of trauma and escaped to co-found AFESIP to combat the sexual trafficking of young girls and women. Her organisation has rescued, rehabilitated and reintegrated over 4000 women since its inception in 1996. She's amazing and the book is  one of the most moving memoir's I've ever read. Makes you want to fly to Cambodia and save everyone. 

3. Ariana Huffington
Founder of the Huffington Post - Another Media Mogul that I'd love to emulate. In 2009 she was named #12 on the Forbes Most Influential Women in Media List (another dream of mine). She manages to be a mum and a media big-wig all at once. She seems so classy and sophisticated and I'd love to meet her  and run a website as successful and as intelligent as The Huffington Post. 




4. Mother Teresa
She too needs no explanation or introduction. If everyone was as virtuous, as selfless, as unassuming as Mother Theresa, we would have no war - just love. She founded the Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta.She ministered to the poor, sick, orphaned and dying. At the time of her death she had 610 missions in 123 countries including hospices and homes for people with HIV/AIDS, leprosy and tuberculosis, soup kitchens, children's and family counselling programmes, orphanages and schools. She received numerous awards including the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979. One of my most favourite life lessons come from this quote: "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."






5. Margaret Thatcher
The longest serving British Prime Minister in the 20th Century and the only woman to have held the post. On the 4th of May in 1979 she is remembered as paraphrasing the words of St.Francis which read: "Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope." To her supporters, Margaret Thatcher is still revered. Her followers see a leader who restored Britain's economy, curbed the trade unions, and re-established the nation as a world power. I don't agree with all of her policies but love that she was a woman that had the power to make them.


6. Germaine Greer
One of the most vocal and active feminists of the 20th Century. She is an Australian writer, academic, journalist and a reason why so many of us have the freedoms we do. She fights for female liberation as a distinctly different thing from women's equality. Her battle has been about positively embracing difference in gender to help women delineate their own role, values and priorities in society. 






7. Dr Fiona Wood
Creator of spray-on skin for burns victims, named Australian of the Year in 2005. Amazing woman, amazing surgeon, enviable brain. 




8. Angelina Jolie
She was a bit crazy to begin with but she is someone that has used her wealth and fame for good. She is a UN Ambassador, speaks fluently and learnedly on the Refugees in Sierra Leone, Tanzania, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Cambodia. Has six children, is a great actress, has countlessly been labelled the most beautiful woman in the world, loved her mum, adores her husband, worships her kids and has won a stack of humanitarian awards....and rocks an Oscars frock even with an awkwardly protruding leg.




9. Coco Chanel 
Wish I wasn't this superficial - but this is another amazing rags to riches tale. She was an orphan who never accepted her poverty as her fate. She created an empire that is classic, sophisticated and hugely influential on 20th century fashion and she makes women the world over feel and look fabulous (true at least for all who can afford it). She proved through her story that class and sophistication do not come from wealth. She had it long before her label.  


10. Rosa Parks
One woman who inspired one of the most powerful and peaceful protests in the civil rights movement in the US in 1955. Simply by refusing to get up from her seat on the bus, she helped spark the Montgomery Bus Boycott and stood up for civil rights of the black community. She is labelled "the mother of the freedom movement," and "the first lady of civil rights." She would have made an awesome nanna! Many people owe their freedom to her resistance. So fierce. So fabulous! 

Monday, March 5, 2012

Grow up Douchebag!

I've written before that I understand from a male's perspective why you would hesitate to settle down. A fun night here or there, a different girl or guy to hang out with daily, a different scene, a new party, a lack of attachments, an altogether good life but at some point you need to look beyond what is menial and think about your legacy. Who do you want to be? When will you be it? When will a future with someone be more important than a life on your own? What will all of these reckless, empty nights mean when everybody stops singing to your tune?

This is an open letter to all of the douchebags you ladies have had to put up with and an apology for the heartbreak they caused you.

In recent months, I have heard the most shocking series of breakup stories I’d ever come across. Nobody wants to fight for love, they all just want to fight. Others are left with no choice but to leave because of the unforgivable deal-breakers that break trust and evaporate love in a relationship. As a big believer in love, I will admit, the negative stuff shakes your faith a little. While we all hope and pray and believe in the greater good, the greater male community (or just the ones we’ve crossed paths with) prefer to be bad in epic proportions and while it’s never good form to trash your ex…they’re not my exes, so I’m going for gold on behalf of my friends.

Here goes…


Dear Douche,

You're not a bad guy. We say that because we want to believe that our investment in you was worth it. It wasn't but against our better judgement we believed that you'd grow up and out of the phase you were in. You didn't.

You grew older but age somehow bypassed your brain. All of those brash nights out with your brainless bachelor friends will do that to you.

Those long wish lists we had when we were eighteen reduced because somehow by default our self-esteem dropped with everyday that we were with you until you felt enormous and we felt minuscule.


It became increasingly difficult to love you when you constantly let us down. You didn't care. When you thought you had us, you reverted to your old ways. You stopped putting in the effort to be better. You stopped valuing us. It became about you again. It's what you knew best.

Maybe you didn't have the capacity to love in the way we had loved you. Maybe you did but simply didn't want to give us your heart. We spent days, months even years pining over you and just as long getting over you. It took you seconds to replace us.

You gave it all up for a lifetime of hollow nights out. You gave up purity of heart for a few fleeting and flattering words.  You gave up joy for lust. You gave up love for youth. You gave up youth to temptation. You gave up a future to build yourself a past. Was it worth it?

We stopped waiting. So did the girls you hooked up with.

Everyone was searching for love while you sought superficiality. You might settle down one day but you'll be much older. You won't be wiser. You have no brain cells left to make that possible.

You'll find a girl who is content with your lukewarm heart. Those that seek true love will look far beyond you for it. You will lead separate lives because you've spent your whole life living for you and when you circle the earth searching for the one who completes you, she won't be there - because you never were. This is the bed you made for yourself...now lie in it.

You’ll find something, but I doubt it will be happiness because you failed at giving it and when you're too old to hit the clubs, when the girls you know become the girls you knew when the friends you have become the friends you had - will that life you chose be worth it?

We may have cried for a week, a month, a year but you will be replaced. Eventually you will feel like a figment of our imagination. It may take you a little longer to feel our grief, if you feel at all, but what you did and what you will always do, will catch up with you. We accept now that you cannot change and we’re just glad not to be waiting anymore. We get it. Finally.

You never realised what was in front of you. Sure enough, someone smarter than you will. That's when we'll be the ones that got away, but we'll be too far away for you to ever reach us.

You lost when you were so used to scoring. Foul play should keep you on the sidelines forever.  We still pray you one day grow to be the person we hoped. If not for us, then for the gratification that the effort we put in was worth it for someone.

We've been patient. We have waited for you to grow up. We have believed in your goodness. We've seen your potential for perfection but potential is nothing when everything you are is everything other than what you should be. You don't want to change. You never will. Because of that, we'll never want you twice. 


We accept we can never lose what we never had so this is no loss at all.

Good riddance and goodbye. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Game off!

This started out as a blog about the games that women play for a change. I wrote it and erased it. Wrote and erased and then it was the 29th of February. The one day that comes around every four years and is the hall pass for women to propose to their men.

Awed by their courage but deterred by how emasculating that might be to a man, I’ve resolved never to do it. I also like the idea of being courted and think all women deserve to be.

During my lunch break yesterday my gal pal turned and said, “I think that’s something you could do.” No way. No chance.

For me, there was a huge difference between could do and would do. I am ballsy enough to approach a man, but I’m too traditional to do it. There’s a real problem when my balls are bigger than the man I’m asking to be with me and that’s my biggest relationship dilemma at the moment.

A few days ago when I complained about having writer’s block, a friend messaged and said it was time to turn a new page – to end the war I’d inadvertently waged on men who weren’t pulling their weight in relationships and to put the girls that mislead them on the firing line instead.

I’m fair so I considered it, but I was not going to put women on the frontline without a good reason. Boys have their bro code and we have our sisterhood.

My friend’s complaint was that after months of pursuing a girl, she was flirting with somebody else. He had grown tired of her hot and cold interactions. He didn’t want to be given rations of her attention, he wanted all of it…the problem was, he wasn’t giving her all of himself either.

The girl’s attention was wavering; there one second, divided the next.

Was this game on or game off?

The first point of interrogation, was over whether or not regular chit chat online would mean anything at all to the girl.

To the girl? Maybe.

To me? No way.

I never accept internet chat as anything remotely romantic or leading to it.

 I think people are different online and are a lot more open than they would be up front and the only real way to honestly get to know someone is to hang out with them. Trying to decipher emails was like trying to read morse code, (IMPOSSIBLE since I’ve got no idea how to do so).

I do know Morse Code is defined as the transmission of textual messages in a series of on-off tones. That is precisely what was in the subtext of his texts; on-off tones.

He claimed the girl’s inability to read his signals was a sign of her insecurity.

I claimed his inability to exclaim exclusivity was the reason she was unsure.

She wanted what was serious.

He did too. He just didn’t want to play all his cards at once.

If you didn’t want to be played, you shouldn’t have treated it like a game.

I have always hated the game.

I don’t understand why if you do like someone and you are interested you can’t honour that relationship by being honest about your feelings? You can’t expect exclusivity if you’re not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and opening yourself up to the possibility of a real relationship.

I want no part of a relationship that is recreational and undefined. Most girls would agree.

Her restraint is not her being cold, it is her being unsure of your feelings. Experience has taught her that many a playful fellow will court her only to kick her to the kerb when another female of interest joins the battlefield.

My rule is a simple one. We are friends until you state otherwise. That way there is no confusion (been there, done that) and there are no painful bullets to the heart or ego in the wait for an answer.
If you’re not serious about the girl, you seriously don’t deserve her.

If you want to play games, you will be played.

If you hate her talking to other guys, be the stand out guy that makes it worth her while to stop.

Our final point of argument was that fighting for love was imprisonment of the heart. It would be a detainee to her will, beaten by her objections and weakened in the admission of feelings.

I disagreed. To me, there’s a huge difference between liking a girl and being weak. It actually takes strength to be that sure of yourself and to pursue that dream, that ambition, that girl. I'm not saying write the girl a song on your first date but there's nothing wrong with saying you really like her and want her completely.

Knowing where she stands with you will encourage her to put her guard down and like you more. If she doesn't, she's not the one and you just move on and just like that, you would have released your heart from the prison of your own making.

Case dismissed.