Not Your Mother's Rules.

A while ago another relationship blogger; Vanessa Taylor, introduced me to “The Rules.” I’ve become an avid subscriber to her musings – her blog is more about celebrity relationships – but I think love speaks a universal language. It doesn’t matter if you're black, white, rich, poor, on the cover of Forbes or sweeping floors, we all want it and we’re all puzzled in the quest for it. Most of us have enough going on in our lives to not have to worry about what the celebs do in their love lives though – like Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth getting engaged ( she is looking amazing these days and locking her down in her prime probably has something to do with the proposal)….but what about the rest of us?

I’m guessing she’s a “Rules” girl – because she now has a ring on her finger and I’m told the plan is a full-proof one.  

“The Rules” were written by Ellen Fein and Sherie Schnieder and enacted by women around the world – not just your desperate, dateless know-nothings either. Beyonce calls it her favourite book (and she has Jay-Z), Oprah swears by it (and she has Steadman) and Kate Middleton played by the rules and we all know how that ended up. 

Seventeen years ago when “The Rules” were released, the dating world was shaken by a book that pushed the "treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen" philosophy – especially after many were still enjoying the perks of the sexual revolution. It wasn’t going to be easy, but the end result was going to be worth it.  

Women everywhere gave ear to their 35 fool-proof rules to snagging Mr. Right. This is the general gist of what the book contained:

-  Don't stare at men or talk too much

-  Don't talk to a man first

-  Don't call him and rarely return his calls

-  Always end phone calls first

-  Don't go Dutch on a date

 All those rules still very much apply and I feel like I’ve been practicing this stuff from the womb (to no avail) and maybe that’s because nothing has been written that is applicable to all the other loopholes in love that exist with today’s technologies.

Alas, Fein and Schneider have heard our cries. Earlier this year, the women announced that they were working on an updated version of the guide for the sexting/texting/tweeting/poking world, called “Not Your Mother's Rules.”

Is that a squawk of excitement I hear?

…just keep your pants on for now. As old as love is, the lessons for attaining it are also.

The biggest takeaway lesson from the New Rules is that you can cry 21st century all you like but the Rules stay the same. You can’t teach old dogs new tricks but you can play games…dogs like games…and so do men unfortunately.

I’m often incited by my male friends to remain an object of mystery (but for a guy to want to know less about me in order to find me desirable is kind of insulting). However, “The Rules” preach the same thing.

Men are still expected to eat out of the palms of our hands but you need them to come begging of their own accord. They’ll come when they want to. They’ll come when they need to.  At ease lady (if they like you, your work is done).

They make no exceptions to the rule that men should always initiate contact (this I agree with – though I have whimsically broken this rule many times).

Fein and Schneider in a recent interview on JDate said, “No exceptions. A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy's profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move. If you have something exceptional in common, he has to notice that, and contact you first.”

Women this is your clue and gents this is your queue.

 The authors also advise women to "wait as long as you can before having sex".

That means a lot of talking time. Odd when they’ve told women “not to talk too much.” My only question for them is,  if you can’t talk and you can’t play…what on earth do you do on dates?

Not Your Mother’s Rules is out next year, so you can break all the rules until then then there’s no excuse – you’ll have a manual…and hopefully a man by then too.

The curse of comparison

 
I want to look like Sofia Vergara with a bit more tone..or Adriana Lima (no adjustments necessary). That’s getting a little picky but as I trim down, her body and Adriana's face are always in sight. I think a bit of comparison in order to keep goals in check is healthy but the delusion that once I’m thin, I’ll look like either of them is toxic…and a little bit insane.

I can’t be so narcissistic that as a kitten, I’m looking into a mirror and seeing a lioness. Not in this jungle. Not in this lifetime.

You all have a body dream (Sofia Vergara/Adriana Lima). A person whose intelligence you wish you had (Mark Zuckerberg), a person whose outreach you wish you could attain (Oprah) and let’s face it, you can imitate but you can rarely duplicate so your pursuit of happiness is complete when acceptance with your difference begins.

We've all fallen into the curse of comparison more than once but recently I’ve noticed the curse outstretching its shifty hands and hovering over people’s happy places and I'm kindly requesting it to stop.

The place I’ve learnt to conquer the crazy in me has been through Crossfit (I highly recommend it to any woman or man who wants the fact that they can kick arse asserted to them on a daily basis).

Crossfit is a high intensity workout that reels you in because of the gladiators that do it and keeps you there because of the community that is created through shared struggle. I began the workout a little intimidated by the super-human strength that some of the women around me displayed on a daily basis. I had two options, be envious or work from the bottom up. I chose the latter and because of it am reaching the former and have found my mojo in the process.

Without comparison we would have few goals but the finesse in doing so is in comparing without envy. Over the period that I’ve been training, I’ve reveled in seeing the people around me come into their own, seeing one of my besties mould the bedonkey-donk butt she’s been dreaming of. You know who you are and the change is inspiring.  Not all of us would see it this way and (if we do we certainly fail some of the times). I do still fall into the trappings of wishing I had X’s abs, Y’s butt, Z’s arms but I take an active stance and quickly realize that a better me is enough to keep me content…without wanting another person’s anything.

Women are their own worst enemies. They have a trillion fabulous qualities but they will look to the flaws of the women around them to satisfy their insecurities and assert their superiority. It has to stop for a sisterhood to be possible.

I think today, we’re going through a narcissistic renaissance where the world’s population is entirely consumed by it’s self and it’s image. The acquisitive, self-seeking and in my view, ugly manifestation of that want to be perfect, breeds an evil, egotistic and deeply insecure alter-ego. Ladies, you want to get rid of her instead of lugging her around and having her diminish your sense of self.

That beautiful woman you’re staring at has an abusive father, that girl that’s thinner than you has an eating disorder, that woman with the beautiful smile has steely eyes from the heartbreak she’s experienced. That wealthy woman is devastatingly lonely. That woman with three children, struggled for ten years to have them. That woman with great hair, is in remission from Cancer.

Every quality we admire has been established through struggle.

Nothing comes from nothing so every gift you’ve been given is worth backing.

Back yourself, is of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

The other valuable lesson is kindness. Mark Twain said kindness was the only thing that the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Kindness and confidence are the most beautiful accessories a person can carry.

If you’re kind to yourself and kind to others, comparison will bring a kinder you and confidence in your character will be enough to satisfy you. Your satisfaction with yourself is what everyone else is searching for.

What we say and what we mean.

I didn't write this but found it hilarious and thought I should share it. Enjoy! X

To the greatest mother of all.

She's been there through everything. She wiped you up after your first poop and has been elbow deep in your crap from the day she had you and she's done it all for your entire life with a smile on her face.

A mother's selflessness is unparalleled to any other person you'll ever cross paths with. They sacrifice their time, looks, wardrobes, incomes, health, fitness, feelings all to see you smile - and that is their only payment.

They endure laborious jobs to pay for your comforts and the moment they arrive home, they leap into their other full-time commitment - their husbands and their homes.

Dinner is always on the table, the bedrooms are always clean, the ironing is complete, the dishes are done and dry, the washing is neatly folded...all with a selfless joy I neither understand or know how to emulate.

They say as we grow we're only as good as the people that raise us and if it's true that I'll even be fractionally the mother to my children that my mother has been to me, I'll be nominating myself for a Nobel peace prize because her love is the type that moulds a murky world into a rose-coloured love nest

This mother's day (and every mother's day) it's important we take the chance to thank our selfless mums for the sacrifices they've made for us. This year I've written a poem that dotes on the good stuff – mum comes in no other variety:

I didn't know what lay ahead

But you gave me a heart and head

Born into this world your little girl

You brushed my hair and straightened my curls

Years passed by and I grew older

And all the while I had your shoulder

To laugh, to cry, to kiss, to hold,

A hiding place, my warmth from the cold

I came to you with stories of love,

Your wisdom felt like a gift from above

I came to you with a graze on my knee,

And you gave me the strength to again run free

You armed me with love that strengthened my soul,

You backed my dreams and supported my goals,

You gave me love that is unparalleled

Through every stage of life it’s your hand that I’ve held

You taught me to love, to forgive and forget,

You taught me to live a life without regret,

For every lesson you’ve blessed me with,

I’ve taken it on as a precious gift

You are a woman that gives your heart to strangers,

That loves without expectation, no matter the dangers,

You give your heart and your service to all,

In serving selflessly, you are enthralled,

If I had lived one hundred times more,

You’re the only mother I could ever wish for,

You are everything that I could hope to be,

The greatest gift in life I know, is that God made you for me.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful women out there who have made this world a better place.

X

You're pretty awesome ya' know... Accept it!

I might have a problem with intimacy.

Not when I like someone – just in the initial phases when you start flirting with someone new. I don’t know how to take a compliment so I just make a joke of it and brush it off. I get how this can seem cold and be a bit of a deterrent for Mr.Shiney-and-new and I also see how it might put a halt on future flirtation, quickly morphing Shiney into dull and old…but I just haven’t been able to stop this crushing reflex.

I always harp on about how I would love sweet nothings being whispered to me and then when it happens, the phony trumpet blows and I blow the opportunity to reel nurture a crush into a relationship.

Fortunately, I realized this with a non-crush before the damage was done (so what I said, mattered slightly less because I cared less about turning him off). Then a few minutes later, I was annoyed with myself.

I know that this is deeply rooted in relationship’s past. Where the person I was, was left behind when my first real ‘love’ (equivalent) was. We’re never the same after a breakup. Temporarily, we are broken. A lucky few don’t go through the lengthy motions of recovery after heartbreak because they spring into flings and manage to compensate emotionally for the absence of an ex. The rest of us, grieve, hate, cry, love, reflect, mourn, grow and recover over days, weeks, months and sometimes years. The change in us is inevitable. We always hope that it is for the better but life is not a rom-com so that is not always so.

Recently, a friend gave me a compliment, told me he liked me and spoke to me like a lady…he even called me one and all I managed to do in response was deflect the compliment, laugh at the gesture and joke at how insincere it sounded. It wasn’t insincere and I had very poorly handled the chat. Again, I was annoyed with myself.

What was so bad about accepting a compliment? Why was it so difficult to return the sentiment or to just say thank you appreciatively and assertively?

I can’t call myself damaged goods because I still remain as one of the most wildly optimistic people I know when it comes to love but it’s easy to see why I might become damaged if I continued in this vain.

I know where I used to love blindly, I now like with hesitation.

Where I used to love compliments (and let me make it clear that I have no problem giving them), I am distrustful if a male is giving me one.

Where I used to believe in everlasting love, now, often I’m searching for used by dates.

I’m making it my mission to change this however because there’s more involved in the rejection of a compliment than my ego.

If somebody has told you they like you, then congratulate yourself, you’ve met their approval (not that you need it for self gratification). They didn’t need to tell you that you were likeable. They didn’t have to say something nice. More likely than any of the other cynical rebuttals you’ve drummed up in your head, they are doing it out of goodwill, out of sheer desire to be good, because they are good. That has very little to do with you.

Whether you brush off a compliment, make a joke of it, downplay it’s value - each of these ways of deflecting a compliment results in putting down both yourself and the giver of the compliment, so they're not actually very giving or kind responses (despite your attempt/belief that you’ve embraced modesty as one of your finer qualities).

I didn’t realize how bad this could be until it was done to me and then I regretted giving the compliment to begin with. I thought it was a waste of breath if the person didn’t significantly react to a sincere reaction to their good qualities. They seemed less ‘good’ because of it.

In reacting modestly, the person I’d complimented lynched my thoughts. Suffocated and choking on my words, it would be difficult in future to utter the same words and risk being hanged again. Modesty in moderation is fine. Rejecting someone’s kindness for the sake of appearing humble is not.

If they were deflecting because they had trust issues (and most of us do), this is only a poor reflection of yourself. If you’re genuine, believe that you draw in people with the same sincerity. You’re generally smart enough to suss out the friends from the fakes, so be wise but be warm.

Although I love attention (that’s no secret), one thing I instinctively do is to return a compliment when it’s given to me. I’m a people-pleaser, I can’t help it and that comes with many burdens in itself. I’ve read that returning a compliment is self-effacing. Mentally for people pleasers, our brains say “I don’t deserve this compliment” and then we bat it back. Insecurity is letting your more admirable qualities down. Back yourself lady (or gent). The flick back compliment is almost as bad as the second ‘I love you.’ It’s not that it means less, but it can often seem like something you’re ‘just saying.’ They ARE a great conversation filler, but few of us lie so well that our fake flattery isn’t transparent. Take credit where credit is due and give it back accordingly.

I was told to take compliments as an exercise in being assertive. I hate for something so lovely to sound so regimented but order makes sense and that’s why it exists. All accepting a compliment is, is a recognition that you are deserving of that kindness and an acknowledgement that it is a kind act for someone to share that with you.

You didn’t need to fancily return the compliment being given to you because in accepting it you were telling the person that gave it that you trusted their judgment, their wisdom and their sense of your place in it.

Few things are nicer than that.

Making a list and checking it twice!!

I’ve worked out our problem. Most people look for a partner to complete them (first mistake but not the point of this blog). With that search come extensive criteria that we look to find in our better half. Looking closely at that list, you’ll find you’re often looking for yourself.

I can’t decide if this is self-absorbed or just practical since you’ve lived with yourself for that many years.

When it comes to finding someone I merge the spiritual with the superficial – I want a lot of things if I’m honest about every insy-wincy-teeny-tiny bit of wish list criteria but I have to be realistic because in searching for a soul mate my wish list tells me I just want a male version of myself and I drive myself mad at the best of times so this luvo relationship with myself is unlikely to work out.

That’s right – I think I just broke up with myself and made myself sound nutty in the process.

It’s not the worst thing to be doing though. Like most people, I’m in constant pursuit of a better me and a perfect him (you fellas are looking for a perfect her). Before everyone gets into a tail spin about there not being a perfect person, blah, blah, blah – when I say perfect, I always mean PERFECT FOR YOU.

What I’m finding is – perfect for others when searching, is someone who is just like them. Perfect for others in practice, is someone with similar ideals but completely different strengths. Together they settle down in Happy Medium street and they compromise all the way home. Every day.

We single folk however, are tip toeing everywhere else but Happy Medium Street. We lunge across Larger-than-life-lane and we skip down More-Awesome-than-you-avenue and we run far far away from the Reality-check-intersection.

My friends have been facing similar issues.

“I just want someone ambitious” said my high-achieving friend. She is single.

My taken friend said of her relationship, “I think we work so well because I’m so ambitious and he isn’t but he’s so willing to support me all the time.”

“To find a person that’s both intelligent and good-looking is an eternal struggle,” said a single male friend.

“I didn’t have to be fussy in my search because my girl had everything,” said my married mate of his wife.

“I’m super attracted to people studying humanities,” just like himself, he implied. He currently dates himself, because well…he’s better than you...but you know that already.

Fair enough. Everyone’s allowed to have criteria but when that criterion is keeping you unnecessarily single, your superior, single checklist needs revision.

In the land of Never Happy Hereafter, everyone in search of themselves is single, in Happily Ever After land - everyone content with the way somebody else’s flaws completes them – seems happily taken (at least in the cases above and for the purpose of this article).

I’d love to tell you that after  taking a revisionist approach to my checklist it has been altered in order to demonstrate the importance of practicing what I preach – but I can’t.

I still want a strong, attractive, intelligent, funny, talented, ambitious, hard-working, kind, chatty, health-conscious, spiritual, loving, honest, family-oriented, friendly guy; who is in other words…just like me.

The first step to fixing the problem is admitting you have one. Done.

Baby steps.

The lady and the loser...a lonely liaison.

Listen buddy.

This is starting to be a problem. I told you before that if you upset my friend you’d have me to answer to.

Collectively, my girlfriend’s and I have had enough!

I’ve tried to defend you. Believe me I have. I tried to stay optimistic. It was even my middle name for a while.

Then you disappointed her. Then you disappointed me. Then I stopped defending you. There was nothing positive left to say.

You knew you could get her and so you sought her. Then rejected her when she didn’t even want you to begin with.

The only thing more hurtful than having someone you love reject you is to have someone you didn’t want reject you too. Why was it a game? What did you stand to gain? You’re an idiot. There are no two ways about it.

You see, you’re constantly telling us that you’re not all bad. You’re constantly in defence of your gender as being the more reasonable, rational side of the sexes but what is reasonable or rational about hurting someone for your own enjoyment? What is honourable in that? Do you need me to explain to you what honour means?

An old friend and I have reunited. We were close years ago and have found each other again, only to discover that we never lost our connection. We were immediately close again when we found each other. We’d taken similar paths in career, we trod along the same track to fitness and we were both, a little jaundiced by love because so far it was slapping us around.

Let me tell you a bit about my friend…she’s a knockout! She has an enviable body, she can outrun most boys in a race, she can challenge ANY man; be it a barman or a Barrister, she is educated, she is fit, she is social, she is outgoing, she has launched her own very successful business but is still grounded, is still loving, is still warm and here’s the nail-biting finish…she’s single. I don’t get it! I bet you don't either?!!

My only explanation would be that her success is intimidating. What a tragedy that is if this is the truth; that her greatest strengths would become her worst enemy in love is ludicrous to me. It is her confidence that attracts you and her completion of self that makes you realise the absence of it in yourself. Rather than fearing commitment, why don’t you look to join the person that challenges you to be your best self?

Gentlemen, welcome to our brains…

Take a seat…

I can tell it might take a while before you understand just how foolish you’ve been!

This game you’re playing is stupid….and a little bit mystifying at the same time… and you say WE’RE a mystery. Boys, we ain’t got nuthin’ on you!

You were lovely for days, weeks, months and then you either died or got amnesia. It’s the only ‘reasonable’ explanation for your absence because you simply stopped calling? Nothing changed on our end. We couldn’t work out why you’d stopped? You didn’t dignify the relationship with a response. You just ran off. What the hell where you thinking? What are you still thinking?  You asked for our numbers and then when we gave them you never called? You even joked that you never wanted it to begin with..You say you can see a future for us and then you bolt right into the future and leave us in your past? You shy away from intimacy but claim to be searching for it.  How could you not be interested? When will you ever commit? What did we do wrong? Why, do you even exist!!!

And that’s summarised.

In this tug-of-war of love, why does immersion into a relationship with you feel like a total mental and physical strain of ourselves?

The answer this week, for me…because I’m trying to stay optimistic (and keep optimistic for my friend) is that men are just as afraid of rejection and heartbreak as us – so they’re ego steps in and spoils what is perfectly good  as a defence mechanism for their own hearts. It turns out, that in love, it's we women who have the balls. We’re much more willing to give our hearts and expose it to heartbreak than a man would. So far the gamble is not paying off.

I always do a bit of research pre-blogging so I have some intelligent backing to the arguments I made…or if my findings are not that intelligent...then just so I have somebody to argue with. I found many therapists who have counselled tribes of brave men into relationship security. This would be wonderful if we were all after the crazies, but instead we’re the ones being driven crazy and the game players are far too busy to sit in a confessional because they’re the ones playing the field.

The therapists or the equally distraught damsels are the ones blogging and article writing and hypothesising. Guilty as charged.

The sisters have spoken and the truths they have gathered parade in typical, ‘it’s not you, it’s (them)’ fashion (of course it’s them..it’s definitely not you)…boys don’t commit because:

a)  a)                   They are emotionally immature. Ladies you need to kick him to the kerb. If he’s not man   enough to take command of his own emotions, how on earth will he handle yours? If he can’t make a decision and more importantly if he can’t give you a definitive answer about being with you then make the decision for him. This boy has gotta go!

b)                 Men need to feel superior. Superiority is so two centuries ago! We’re all equals where I’m playing. If he doesn’t like it, you show him who’s boss…and by that I mean YOU! I’m only interested in a man who is level-headed. As soon as there is an imbalance, you know not to let yourself get weighed down by an egotistical male. Bump him off the scales and dump him from your life. There should be no powerplay between you and when it arises then the power is yours to excuse yourself out of there.  

c)                  Men use mind games to tease women. It’s that old adage that if a boy REALLY likes you he’ll make fun of you. That’s cute till you’re 12. Now, if a boy really likes you, he BETTER be on his best behavior. I’m not saying limousines and diamonds, I’m saying good old fashioned manners. Treat her like she’s important and she’ll place no one above you. Put all your cards on the table. It’s gutsy and it will get you the girl – if it doesn’t, she’s a tosser or you’re a creep. It can only be one of the two. (I’m kidding..there are other reasons but they are more than can be numbered…and I won’t be able to go out and meet the one if I’m sitting here writing all day).

d)         Men often use mind games to gauge a woman’s interest in them. How stupid! What’s the point of acting uninterested when you have genuine feelings for someone? It’s a waste of time; yours and hers. I know you’re afraid of rejection. So are we! Your plan to play hard-to-get will backfire and the girl you want will be somebody else’s before you get your  crap sorted. Enough games. More honesty. Honestly!

e)       The rest of the blokey bachelors play mind games because they are jerks. There is no way to sugar coat this. There are two types of men – the good men and the jerks who simply get off on playing mind games with women. If you’re stuck with the latter, don’t even bother with trying to understand why he’s playing mind games with you. If he’s making you work, it’s likely he’s a jerk and rather than go bezerk, stay away from where he lurks! He’s not worth your time or worth making you lose your shine.

The boy who has been messing my friend around falls into all of these categories and because of that, I think he’s small. Miniscule even. You are missing out on my friend's greatness. I can already tell she's better than you. You're a tool. Stay hidden in a shed. Days and nights have no need for you. Go gather dust somewhere dark and lonely. Dirt seems to be your destiny, your habitat and your essence.

You will not win. Refer to my old “Dear Douchebag” blog for more details on what will happen to you if you insist on your immaturity.

To the gentlemen who have taken issue with this blog….don’t! If you are in fact gentlemen…then  by next week, I’m going to need you to help me out here. I want to speak well of you. My friends do too. Show yourselves. We’re all waiting for you to paint a better picture. Your mates are doing you a HUGE disservice.

Hopeful,

Miriam (and friends).