Power, Passion and Pain on Valentine's Day.

The Grammy awards were held two nights ago and a song that stands as one of the greatest ballads of this generation, won its singer, Adele the greatest gong in the music industry. After her album, ‘21’ was named album of the year she thanked a "rubbish relationship" for inspiration.  Her lyrics, laced with power, passion and pain shared in universal human experience and made her lyrics send tremors in the hearts of the torn and emotionally tarnished globally.  

I can’t write a blog about passion and pain without giving Whitney Houston a mention. Before Adele, she was the musical great whose music we all blasted, whose love we all related to, whose voice echoed in our minds and hearts and who wrote with passion, sung with power and shared her pain in a public forum. It almost appears that one cannot have extreme success without extreme pain; in life and in love..

The rawest of emotions spark the strongest of responses and the truest of feelings shared, inspire the greatest of human connections.

This is my valentine’s day musing. While many may be mourning their single status (congratulations to those who aren’t today), the rest of us should take consolation in the fact that relationships are difficult – one of life’s greatest struggles and the longevity of a relationship, is one of life’s greatest successes. You don’t want to be in one unless you’re prepared for the long-suffering nature of it.

A few weeks ago, I watched the movie that is getting rave reviews among Oscar big-wigs for its portrayal of reality, ‘The Descendants.’ As George Clooney’s character bids farewell to his dying wife, he says a few poignant words that have since, lingered in my memory.

 “Goodbye my joy, goodbye my pain, goodbye my love, goodbye my friend goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.”

Love struck me as one of the most paradoxical emotions or states of being that you could experience. You could love, but you’d have moments of hatred, you could give, when you only wanted to take and had nothing left to give. You would share, when you only wanted to be left alone. You would fight, even when you had no energy to keep going. You would stay, when it would be easier to leave, you would give your heart, even at the risk of it being broken.

That love is the rarest kind and that’s the one we singles are waiting for. It’s also what you taken people should be experiencing.

Someone like Adele felt broken. Opportunity didn’t knock so she created a door while she was waiting for her next great love. Look to the lessons you’ve learned, the realisation of your capacity to love and seek relationships or opportunities that will evaporate your bitterness and encourage your growth. She did and it paid off massively!

 Someone like Whitney let her love break her. The difference between the two icons of passion, power and pain, were that one searched for someone to complete her, when that love only depleted her and the other realised she didn't need someone to complete her, she just needed someone to accept her completely (and then wrote an award winning song about it).

This Valentine’s day, look how you can grow from the experiences that hurt you, never stop believing that love will come but know that when it does, it will rock your world (not always positively). The road won’t be easy – it will be paved with problems, but the trials will be worth it for a lifetime threaded with power and passion that somehow nullifies the pain it often causes.

Look for love to be everything but don’t feel like nothing when it doesn’t work out. Let love change you for the better and if it diminishes your spirit (like Whitney) then escape before it destroys your soul.

I’m all for commercialism and extravagant displays of love and affection, but we all should take note that in that bouquet of roses are stems full of thorns and the hard work put in to that relationship is deserving of that recognition (today and always).

This year, don’t  be jealous of people that have love, be happy that they’ve found it and be all ears to how they’ve managed to sustain it. I’ll be blasting Whitney and Adele in the meantime. I’m such a cliché.

EXPIRATION

My parents are beginning to worry that at 22, I’ve almost reached expiration. It’s not their fault, it’s their culture. They wish me to be surrounded by love and to rest securely in the knowledge that I will forever be taken care of. That reaction is out of love too – so I appreciate their concern. In the meantime, I’ll lovingly decline. 

It’s no secret that my dad and I are close so it was not unusual when he sat me down the other day for a hearty father/daughter chat. It’s the contents of the chat that got me fired up. While most fathers are happy to have their daughter live under house-arrest for all eternity, mine was planning my engagement party. 

“Why can’t you just find yourself a nice boy to settle down with already?” with the utmost concern for my future and expiration. “I’m 22 dad; I have years ahead of me.” 

“You won’t always be young you know. You won’t always have options,” he forewarned. 

My head refused to retain any more of that conversation, until Mum joined the relationship police and made it her business to make being single the penalty. 

I was being prosecuted for being independent. The jury were my aunts and uncles who every year since I was 18 have hoped that this will be the year I introduce a new love to the family (with 20 something first cousins, I think my family is big enough as it is at the moment). However, as they delivered their verdict, I plead guilty to independence but not guilty to my single status. I blame this momentary weakness to the holidays. Their is something about them that reminds people of their loneliness. You can be ok for 363 days of the year but come Christmas and Easter, when you are surrounded by families, by couples and by little kids that you hope to someday have that your single status dawns on you.

When I announced over (Orthodox) Christmas the other day that we might be hanging out with a new crowd of young men that night, the elation on my parents faces was something Kodak would want to capture. Christmas had come again, but I became the Grinch when those plans were cancelled. 

I’d love to accept being single as something that was my fault or as something within my control because then I could do something about it, but it’s not and I’m not entirely sure it’s something I want at this point in my life…..until my next crush at least. 

The situation with these boys was a case of readiness also. All parties entered knowing that this was less of a hangout and more of a group date and their was a giant retreating leap away from the scene when emotions were realized. The boys, like us girls, were presumably petrified at making a mistake and ruining a friendship and so they stepped away from responsibility and back into freedom. I don’t like that sort of cowardice but I do understand it because relationships both appeal to me and scare me too. 

 I’m a big believer in completion of self before being paired up with someone forever (potentially). I do believe that that’s how they saw it too and perhaps for the moment I don’t think they felt as ready as they initially thought they were. They deserve credit for realizing that, before stuffing up a perfect opportunity for love. Negligence of this fact is what I believe sees relationships crumble. You don’t rush into something you’re unsure of and you certainly don’t look for love for completion of yourself. You won’t find it. You’ll grow discontent with the situation, with yourself and with your partner and casting that much pressure for perfection on one person will only fail you. A miserable truth. 

Apologies to my parents – but they married older and for love so I know they’ll get this. In their case, heartache shaped them. Patience rewarded them. They didn’t think their way into the people they were, their experiences shaped them and when they were emotionally ready, they became instantly more attractive to each other because they knew what they wanted. They had reached emotional maturity.

Many are called to date, but few are chosen as lifetime partners and while I speak to many, I wasn’t calling or choosing anyone for now (much to my folks dismay). I’m not chasing but I am keen on being chased (not too far though because I hate running). My family can wait a few more years for a wedding, and while they can be the jury of my single status, I’m the only judge of my own readiness for love.

Doormats and Disney

Everyone has a friend that embraces submission in a relationship; some for the bliss of finding that significant other who you’re happy to compromise for and others to their detriment. I have one friend, who quite happily now has freed herself from an abusive relationship for two years now. She was the perfect girlfriend, the yes-girl, ever-loyal, ever-there but at the end of a long relationship was pushed aside ever-after. There would never be a prize for being a doormat. 

When thinking of what to write this week, I realized a common thread in many childhood fantasies. Each thread was carefully woven and spun to create a carpet. There was Jasmine and Aladdin’s carpet; magical, elevating and romantic. There were red carpets that only the rich, famous and glamorous trod on and their was a walk down the aisle that would mark the beginning of our happily ever afters.

Fictional love stories had us dream of the carpets we’d walk down but never got to the bit about how when many women have been swept off their feet, they place they land, is beneath their partner. 

In an age where equality is rampantly fought for across the globe, why are women still willing to accept the word matriarch to also mean maid? 

I have no issue with being in a mutually loving relationship where compromises are made out of love and respect for my partner and vice versa. 

However, I take issue with blind submission to every man because not every man is worth that compromise to your independence.  Not every man deserves a woman that wholeheartedly commits to him. Unfortunately many women choose the wrong men to submit to and this ruins the idea of love and trust within a relationship for them for life. These women misunderstand compromise to mean passivity in their partnership and forget that in a mutually loving relationship, she would never be trod on. 

On closer inspection of Aladdin and the tale of how he and Jasmine fell in love, it’s clear to see that Jas had her Arabian eyes wide-open when she fell in love with Aladdin. Yes, he was a thief (I’m not advising we all rush out to prisons in pursuit of love) but he was a man who knew he would have to become great in order to be worthy of a princesses love. 

When he and Jasmine first met in Agrabah's marketplace, the two discovered they had a lot in common. This would not be enough to sustain their relationship however. 

Later in the story, when Aladdin gets a hold of the lamp, meets the Genie and is given three wishes, one of Aladdin’s greatest hopes is to become a prince in order to be good enough for Jasmine. 

After a tumultuous tale of wealth, love and rivalry comes to play, Aladdin eventually accepts that he cannot maintain the charade as a prince and reveals to Jasmine that he is not Prince Ali, he is in fact, the pauper, Aladdin. Seeing Jasmine's love for Aladdin, the Sultan (Jasmine’s dad) changes the law to allow her to marry whomever she deems worthy, then they board the magic carpet and embark on a journey, to a “whole new world.”

The story still stands as one of my favourite Disney creations of all time and even at twenty-two years of age, there’s still a lesson or two to learn from it. 

Just as Jasmine did, succumb to the man who works hard to be better for you. Let your love inspire his better qualities (for Aladdin they were kindness and honesty). Like with the Sultan, your parents approval is usually a good sign of his character and worthiness of you, and finally when love is right, it will elevate you – you’ll ride atop the magic carpet, ensuring, you’re never the doormat.