Making a list and checking it twice!!

I’ve worked out our problem. Most people look for a partner to complete them (first mistake but not the point of this blog). With that search come extensive criteria that we look to find in our better half. Looking closely at that list, you’ll find you’re often looking for yourself.

I can’t decide if this is self-absorbed or just practical since you’ve lived with yourself for that many years.

When it comes to finding someone I merge the spiritual with the superficial – I want a lot of things if I’m honest about every insy-wincy-teeny-tiny bit of wish list criteria but I have to be realistic because in searching for a soul mate my wish list tells me I just want a male version of myself and I drive myself mad at the best of times so this luvo relationship with myself is unlikely to work out.

That’s right – I think I just broke up with myself and made myself sound nutty in the process.

It’s not the worst thing to be doing though. Like most people, I’m in constant pursuit of a better me and a perfect him (you fellas are looking for a perfect her). Before everyone gets into a tail spin about there not being a perfect person, blah, blah, blah – when I say perfect, I always mean PERFECT FOR YOU.

What I’m finding is – perfect for others when searching, is someone who is just like them. Perfect for others in practice, is someone with similar ideals but completely different strengths. Together they settle down in Happy Medium street and they compromise all the way home. Every day.

We single folk however, are tip toeing everywhere else but Happy Medium Street. We lunge across Larger-than-life-lane and we skip down More-Awesome-than-you-avenue and we run far far away from the Reality-check-intersection.

My friends have been facing similar issues.

“I just want someone ambitious” said my high-achieving friend. She is single.

My taken friend said of her relationship, “I think we work so well because I’m so ambitious and he isn’t but he’s so willing to support me all the time.”

“To find a person that’s both intelligent and good-looking is an eternal struggle,” said a single male friend.

“I didn’t have to be fussy in my search because my girl had everything,” said my married mate of his wife.

“I’m super attracted to people studying humanities,” just like himself, he implied. He currently dates himself, because well…he’s better than you...but you know that already.

Fair enough. Everyone’s allowed to have criteria but when that criterion is keeping you unnecessarily single, your superior, single checklist needs revision.

In the land of Never Happy Hereafter, everyone in search of themselves is single, in Happily Ever After land - everyone content with the way somebody else’s flaws completes them – seems happily taken (at least in the cases above and for the purpose of this article).

I’d love to tell you that after  taking a revisionist approach to my checklist it has been altered in order to demonstrate the importance of practicing what I preach – but I can’t.

I still want a strong, attractive, intelligent, funny, talented, ambitious, hard-working, kind, chatty, health-conscious, spiritual, loving, honest, family-oriented, friendly guy; who is in other words…just like me.

The first step to fixing the problem is admitting you have one. Done.

Baby steps.

The lady and the loser...a lonely liaison.

Listen buddy.

This is starting to be a problem. I told you before that if you upset my friend you’d have me to answer to.

Collectively, my girlfriend’s and I have had enough!

I’ve tried to defend you. Believe me I have. I tried to stay optimistic. It was even my middle name for a while.

Then you disappointed her. Then you disappointed me. Then I stopped defending you. There was nothing positive left to say.

You knew you could get her and so you sought her. Then rejected her when she didn’t even want you to begin with.

The only thing more hurtful than having someone you love reject you is to have someone you didn’t want reject you too. Why was it a game? What did you stand to gain? You’re an idiot. There are no two ways about it.

You see, you’re constantly telling us that you’re not all bad. You’re constantly in defence of your gender as being the more reasonable, rational side of the sexes but what is reasonable or rational about hurting someone for your own enjoyment? What is honourable in that? Do you need me to explain to you what honour means?

An old friend and I have reunited. We were close years ago and have found each other again, only to discover that we never lost our connection. We were immediately close again when we found each other. We’d taken similar paths in career, we trod along the same track to fitness and we were both, a little jaundiced by love because so far it was slapping us around.

Let me tell you a bit about my friend…she’s a knockout! She has an enviable body, she can outrun most boys in a race, she can challenge ANY man; be it a barman or a Barrister, she is educated, she is fit, she is social, she is outgoing, she has launched her own very successful business but is still grounded, is still loving, is still warm and here’s the nail-biting finish…she’s single. I don’t get it! I bet you don't either?!!

My only explanation would be that her success is intimidating. What a tragedy that is if this is the truth; that her greatest strengths would become her worst enemy in love is ludicrous to me. It is her confidence that attracts you and her completion of self that makes you realise the absence of it in yourself. Rather than fearing commitment, why don’t you look to join the person that challenges you to be your best self?

Gentlemen, welcome to our brains…

Take a seat…

I can tell it might take a while before you understand just how foolish you’ve been!

This game you’re playing is stupid….and a little bit mystifying at the same time… and you say WE’RE a mystery. Boys, we ain’t got nuthin’ on you!

You were lovely for days, weeks, months and then you either died or got amnesia. It’s the only ‘reasonable’ explanation for your absence because you simply stopped calling? Nothing changed on our end. We couldn’t work out why you’d stopped? You didn’t dignify the relationship with a response. You just ran off. What the hell where you thinking? What are you still thinking?  You asked for our numbers and then when we gave them you never called? You even joked that you never wanted it to begin with..You say you can see a future for us and then you bolt right into the future and leave us in your past? You shy away from intimacy but claim to be searching for it.  How could you not be interested? When will you ever commit? What did we do wrong? Why, do you even exist!!!

And that’s summarised.

In this tug-of-war of love, why does immersion into a relationship with you feel like a total mental and physical strain of ourselves?

The answer this week, for me…because I’m trying to stay optimistic (and keep optimistic for my friend) is that men are just as afraid of rejection and heartbreak as us – so they’re ego steps in and spoils what is perfectly good  as a defence mechanism for their own hearts. It turns out, that in love, it's we women who have the balls. We’re much more willing to give our hearts and expose it to heartbreak than a man would. So far the gamble is not paying off.

I always do a bit of research pre-blogging so I have some intelligent backing to the arguments I made…or if my findings are not that intelligent...then just so I have somebody to argue with. I found many therapists who have counselled tribes of brave men into relationship security. This would be wonderful if we were all after the crazies, but instead we’re the ones being driven crazy and the game players are far too busy to sit in a confessional because they’re the ones playing the field.

The therapists or the equally distraught damsels are the ones blogging and article writing and hypothesising. Guilty as charged.

The sisters have spoken and the truths they have gathered parade in typical, ‘it’s not you, it’s (them)’ fashion (of course it’s them..it’s definitely not you)…boys don’t commit because:

a)  a)                   They are emotionally immature. Ladies you need to kick him to the kerb. If he’s not man   enough to take command of his own emotions, how on earth will he handle yours? If he can’t make a decision and more importantly if he can’t give you a definitive answer about being with you then make the decision for him. This boy has gotta go!

b)                 Men need to feel superior. Superiority is so two centuries ago! We’re all equals where I’m playing. If he doesn’t like it, you show him who’s boss…and by that I mean YOU! I’m only interested in a man who is level-headed. As soon as there is an imbalance, you know not to let yourself get weighed down by an egotistical male. Bump him off the scales and dump him from your life. There should be no powerplay between you and when it arises then the power is yours to excuse yourself out of there.  

c)                  Men use mind games to tease women. It’s that old adage that if a boy REALLY likes you he’ll make fun of you. That’s cute till you’re 12. Now, if a boy really likes you, he BETTER be on his best behavior. I’m not saying limousines and diamonds, I’m saying good old fashioned manners. Treat her like she’s important and she’ll place no one above you. Put all your cards on the table. It’s gutsy and it will get you the girl – if it doesn’t, she’s a tosser or you’re a creep. It can only be one of the two. (I’m kidding..there are other reasons but they are more than can be numbered…and I won’t be able to go out and meet the one if I’m sitting here writing all day).

d)         Men often use mind games to gauge a woman’s interest in them. How stupid! What’s the point of acting uninterested when you have genuine feelings for someone? It’s a waste of time; yours and hers. I know you’re afraid of rejection. So are we! Your plan to play hard-to-get will backfire and the girl you want will be somebody else’s before you get your  crap sorted. Enough games. More honesty. Honestly!

e)       The rest of the blokey bachelors play mind games because they are jerks. There is no way to sugar coat this. There are two types of men – the good men and the jerks who simply get off on playing mind games with women. If you’re stuck with the latter, don’t even bother with trying to understand why he’s playing mind games with you. If he’s making you work, it’s likely he’s a jerk and rather than go bezerk, stay away from where he lurks! He’s not worth your time or worth making you lose your shine.

The boy who has been messing my friend around falls into all of these categories and because of that, I think he’s small. Miniscule even. You are missing out on my friend's greatness. I can already tell she's better than you. You're a tool. Stay hidden in a shed. Days and nights have no need for you. Go gather dust somewhere dark and lonely. Dirt seems to be your destiny, your habitat and your essence.

You will not win. Refer to my old “Dear Douchebag” blog for more details on what will happen to you if you insist on your immaturity.

To the gentlemen who have taken issue with this blog….don’t! If you are in fact gentlemen…then  by next week, I’m going to need you to help me out here. I want to speak well of you. My friends do too. Show yourselves. We’re all waiting for you to paint a better picture. Your mates are doing you a HUGE disservice.

Hopeful,

Miriam (and friends). 

Loving Senselessly

I have a new trainer. He prefers to be called coach. Today, he didn’t just train me physically, he worked me mentally too. Today he was a life coach. No I’m not in love with him but we did have a very refreshing chat this morning. He’ll hate me if he ever reads this blog. Sorry in advance. I’m joking…but not really.

We were talking (briefly) about his change of values in his search for a woman as he got older. We talked politics and the purposelessly famous (enter Kim Kardashian).

I took the opportunity to boast about meeting her and said regardless of his opinion on her, her good looks were undeniable and he’d at the very least have to admit to that.

His response surprised me. “I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting to that and if ever the opportunity was presented to me, it would only be my ego that would use the chance to boast about the connection but it would never be my brain or heart that would fall for a woman like that…a woman without substance.”

I don’t respect her fame but I do think she’s incredibly clever to be capitalising on the world’s obsession of her. Putting Kim aside, I must say, I found it incredibly refreshing that a man of just 29 would think so wisely in the search for love.

Men, you get a hard wrap from me often. I know you’re not all bad in the same way you know all women aren’t neurotic, but here was the first instance in a long time that a man in front of me had described the search for love as a genuine search for a connection; beyond that which is physical. I understood it but didn’t quite believe it. Being a trainer, of course aesthetics were important!

I was reading about the difference between love and lust and it was perfectly explained like this: Love is giving and lust is taking. It was the same concept in his retrained brain.  The old trainer, said in his younger years aesthetics were everything. In his older years, personality was. Ladies – the good ones are still out there. I will give you details of where I train later. Inbox me for details ;)

I thought in writing and researching for this blog, I’d come across some sensational explanation as to why we mature or why our tastes do and share it with you. I thought that this would be the Holy Grail…that this would be the answer to why men commit. I thought I could be the love guru for a week. Instead I found an article that read:

“Aging changes in the senses”

Extra, Extra read all about it!!

Extra was exactly what the article was talking about. Extra attention needed for the senses that is.

The article outlines the perceptual changes related to age. This at first made me laugh. This was a “you look better with the lights off,” approach to love. If you’re eyesight was worsening your body was naturally forcing you to adapt and lower your visual standards. Women with age would stop wanting a man with thick hair and would have to be happy with the balding guy instead. Men were strangely foregoing the dream of bagging Miranda Kerr for the chance at love with her shorter, curvier, less attractive counterpart.

As I continued to read about the deprivation of senses, I quickly understood the demand to over stimulate those senses with a partner who satisfied the need for those sensations.

When you age, the way your senses are able to give you information about the world changes. They become less acute and according to the article, “you may have trouble distinguishing details.” Goodbye taste, smell, touch, vision and hearing. JOY!

Age as I read on was going to have a tremendous impact on our lifestyles. It was really about to stuff us around but it was also going to be our saving grace in the search for love.

With age, the amount of sensory input necessary to adequately absorb feeling, sense of smell, etc. was going to have a massive shift.

I learnt that both sight and hearing where the first to go in the aging process. If sight was to dissipate your partner’s looks were no longer important. After a few good years of marriage, you’d stop having to look at them…or rather your eyesight will prevent you from it.

If hearing were to follow, then you’d have to like the person who was yelling at you. This cancels out the Fran Drescher’s of the world. Nasal voices out. Soothing lady like ones in. It made sense then that if a man was to commit, he’d like talking to his partner above any of her other qualities because when talking wasn’t enough, yelling would take over so you better like what she has to say.

Some age-related eye changes may begin as early as your 30s. My coach must have a premature onset of this symptom.

The good news was that aging eyes produce less tears. Men, your partner’s emotions only run a few decades. If you stick it out, you won’t see them cry or hear them cry. Marital bliss.

By the time you turn 60, your pupils decrease to about one-third of the size they were when you were 20. Jury’s out on whether this means he’ll only see half of you. This would be like wearing beer goggles for life. A great thing for both parties.

The other great news for men married to women who can’t cook and for women married to less than master chefs, is that your sense of smell and taste declined with age too. This not only meant satiety of the stomach, it meant contentment with the stench that in your youth, may have bothered you.

Age sounded awful to me by the time I read through the entire article until I realized that it actually DID uncover the Holy Grail. I didn’t have the answer to why men commit but I did have a different valuable conclusion to make… it was far better to marry old because you had less to be critical of and you had fewer senses to be critical with.

Age was the secret to happiness because you couldn’t see better, because you couldn’t hear better, because even though you used to smell better, the taste of a relationship was better because your senses by then, know no better.