Crazy little thing called love.

Your palms are sweaty, you fix your hair, apply your lipstick and stick your boobs out a little (it’s no secret that boys like them… and you know it). Game on! If you’re male, you stand a little taller, act more obnoxiously, flex a little, and talk louder but deeper making that voice of yours a weapon of mass seduction as your vocal chords strum a few sweet nothings on the heart strings of your crush. It sounds ridiculous but those attracted to another dabble in the ridiculous to experience the sublime.

After getting in contact with a long lost friend and having a great chat on the crushes we’ve had over the past ten years, we quickly got on to the stupid things that we have done to attract the opposite sex. My friend (much braver than I…than most actually) dived head first into a dumpster to help find her crush’s lost possessions. He was too afraid to go in there himself so she chivalrously dispensed all of her inhibitions and gambled hygiene for love – somehow, believing the act would overpower the smell when she emerged from the bin for him. It’s one of the greatest stories I’ve ever heard. She didn’t get the boy (bad smells will do that to a person – but she also no longer wants him).

It got me thinking, what if there were full proof plans we could follow to ensure the affection of the one we have eyes for? I found answers in the animal kingdom (please note they are not necessarily full(or fool)proof).

There are many varieties in which animals compete with each other to attract a mate. Some animals attract through pheromones. This is disgusting! By producing a hormonal scent, females respond to this and are able to track the male. In the human world, those scents are usually kept secret till a couple is locked in love and less repulsed by the odours a man will emit. Women of course, never pass wind in case you were wondering.

We humans do, do a similar thing (I think more for us than for the opposite sex, by drowning ourselves in cologne or perfume). It is this animalistic notion of courtship however that has inspired advertising campaigns like the lynx effect. The men in these ads only require a simple spray that tickles and delights the senses of alpha females everywhere.

Colour display is another dating strategy for fish and our cousins,’ the chimpanzees. The colour change is used to illustrate an animal’s 'availability'. We imitate these primates by changing an outfit, dying our hair, applying make-up or pulling out our most alluringly coloured dresses to grab the attention of the men we’ve set our sights on. Men I believe, also work in colours, but internally. When their light is switched on red, they are occupied, taken and unavailable to your green light signals. When they are unhappy in relationships, tied up with work, committed to other things and not people, their yellow light comes on – it indicates that you can enter with caution. This light preemptively warns you that his situation is a changing one and as a woman you may enter but only at your own peril knowing that he may soon become unavailable or free up again for you and finally there is a green light that allows traffic to freely flow in to his life. A man with his green light on is the one you want to look out for…he’s the committed type, ready to date but also, just like a traffic light capable of putting dating to a stop and coming to a standstill with you.

I’ll happily admit to having done many a thing for attention and for love, I’ve written love letters, poems, made books, sung and have even done the neurotic sticking of post-its on cars, some have scored me brownie points, all are appreciated but not all have been reciprocated.

A big fan of grand gestures, I’m thankful for the insanity that overcomes us when we allow ourselves to become stupefied by love. It makes the crazy excusable and to that special someone, even adorable. Enter “The Notebook” and the famous “Say I’m a bird”…“Now say you’re a bird” line.

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird,” the charming Ryan Gosling says in the movie.

Katie Melua labeled love “the closest thing to crazy (she) had ever been,” but she like most women wouldn’t have it any other way as she concluded ‘now I know that their’s a link between the two…being close to craziness, and being close to you.”  

I’d never ask for an end to the games, because amidst the craziness and the crush induced courtship, you meet a person that loves the way you smell, never asks you to change your colours but loves you with every change. If you’re a bird, he’s a bird and he’ll fly you to the moon and back.

Flatter, Flutter, Flee

By Miriam Eryan 

They say good things come in threes…the same rule applies for confusing things. The object of my confusion is mankind and his brotherhood. Men claim to be simple so I’ve simply categorized them in a tripartite division.

It’s the flatter, flutter, flee syndrome where one man will flatter you just because he can. This breed exists merely to remind you that some men have their vision and values in check. They keep you optimistic about finding that rare gentleman who will look without touch, who sees and believes and who will testify to the choir. 

The other man has your heart a flutter, your eyelashes batting. He ‘gives you fever’ but he that speaks idle words has a loveless heart and lustful agenda. This one is most cunning because he keeps you wanting more; key in ignition, he revs your engine but has a short battery life and once he’s taken you for a spin or two, you’re ditched on a sidewalk negatively charged. 

The third flees BC – that is before charming you or having the chance to be charmed. He is also known as the taken man, the gay man or as much as we hate to admit it, the uninterested. 

Last week, I had encounters with all three and my column was inspired by a scene from my much beloved Sex and the City. It’s where Carrie meets Berger the charming writer with a girlfriend (the latter fact omitted from his conversation). He was your typical ‘Flatter Man’ – sweet, charming, courteous, taken! He flattered, fled and the fireworks though seemingly undeniable where hastily put out – hindered by his missus. 

I’ve met a few Bergers in my short existence and increasingly, biting into an aged burger is losing its appeal as the subject fails to satiate the hunger for a relationship. Having reached expiry, the situation wreaks of desperation so while I maintain friendship, I’m almost certain, I’ll NEVER have fries with that!

The second type of man, I met at the gym. I’ve never quite understood why men find sweaty, smelly women attractive so when I’m attracting the primordial male at my ugliest in my track-pants, I’m always expecting someone to jump out and tell me I’m being punk’d. Cynicism aside, the askmen article (http://au.askmen.com/top_10/dating_100/134b_dating_list.html) rings true and with every drop of perspiration comes a man with flirty conversation. This of course is to our horror because when you approach we have panda eyes, red faces and sweaty hair – not quite pageant material. This man, I believe approaches because his carnal instincts see a woman work hard, sweat plenty who presumably, will play, work and sweat in satisfactory proportions. He; muscular and ego injected attempts to inflate your sense of self with his flattery as your steroid. Your heart muscle goes into overdrive. Be weary though, neither heart attack nor drug addiction was ever positive outcomes of a crush. You turn to perve on the quieter, more desirable, less approachable guy beside him. 

This guy is the one not interested. He doesn’t catch your gaze, he looks for beauty elsewhere and he doesn’t see you. He flees or you flee from embarrassment because the idea of unrequited love is a) repulsive b) disappointing but also c) promising because some men have eyes only for their partner and no adrenalin charged flattery, gym induced sweat or flirty banter will seduce him into slipping up. He’s the one you’re after and also the one you can’t have. The sayings are always true – you ALWAYS want what’s out of reach. 

Clichés as common, tried and uncreative as they may be, exist because they resonate with us. In keeping with clichés, happy endings are the clichés that happily end romantic comedies and that’s what this life is – a tale of funny flirtations with a happy ending that is luxurious in feeling as the velvet curtains that follow our final bows. 

Shakespeare knew exactly what he was talking about when he called the world a stage. He valued play and gave us midsummer night’s dreams to act out and see comedy in our dating errors; fleeing from each scene that threatens our happiness. 

With this in mind, learn the script, know the characters but remember to improvise and shock into sincerity – that’s when truest selves are revealed.

Supermarket Seduction

You know that Michael Buble song “I just haven’t met you yet” that all unfolds in a supermarket aisle, that had you apply your lip-gloss before you stepped into Coles or fix your hair when that cute guy brushed past you in a shopping aisle, even though you knew, in real life things didn’t happen that way? Well they do!

I had my Michael Buble moment about a week ago, but my guy wanted boobs (and to get) laid, rather than the Buble romance I was hoping for. The event got me thinking; how do we single girls weed out the gentlemen from the germy ones and when is it safe to take risks on romance? 

This man was seemingly everything perfect from a superficial stance; he was tall, muscular, in a suit, a Financial Adviser at the Commonwealth Bank and a suitable age; the Corporate Banker however, was a corporate wanker (excuse the French) and I had my hands tied, so we were never going to work out. 

Was it desperate of dateless me to accept a date from a stranger in a supermarket or should we wear our hearts on our sleeves hoping to meet a cardiologist to restore it to its original place and keep it beating? 

Love is something that perplexes all of us – lust is easy, but love is ‘what the world needs.’ About 1,830,000,000 results explode onto our screens from a google search of the word ‘love,’’ 

how to tell if a guy likes you’ yields a whopping 27,400,000 results and of those millions of tortured hearts, I bet all are still searching for an answer, to that one person who is the exception to every rule book. 

I believe nothing valuable comes easily, and the gain of love is worth this seemingly futile struggle. With Jane Austen in my hand, Celine Dion on my Ipod (don’t judge) and Cinderella on my mind, I’m going to be the bastion for happy-endings, and you hopeless romantics will continue to read my blog for the musings on where to find our Romeo or Juliet….with a happier ending I hope.

In the meantime, I’ll blame Disney for my high expectations of men, and my male audience can blame Mattel. 

Let the search for perfection continue; believe and be. 

Yours sincerely (for now),

Miri

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA (Michael Buble's song - where the delusion began)