Friends with benefits.

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.
~William Shakespeare

Occasionally I come across intelligent men who subscribe to this blog and are keen to be privy to the workings of the female brain. Last week, one of these men suggested I write positively and more balanced in an effort to more favourably present men to my audience. I never say no to a challenge.

Having seriously blundered with foot-in-mouth-disease the other day with the man who suggested this, I have very carefully chosen my words this time to show the good in men…I don’t know him too well but I think he may be one of them.

It’s no secret, we all love them or we wouldn’t fret over all they do. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like them and I wouldn’t write about them if they didn’t stir such a passionate response in me. We love them and love to hate them, but love to love to love them way more, we’re just looking for the man worth the obsession and who can handle our bipolarity.

This week however, I’m not writing about the men we desire to be with (sort of hard to avoid mentioning them though in a blog about romance) but rather, I’ll muse on the men who restore our faith in their gender…they deserve a mention.

Sitting with two girlfriends on Friday night, we discussed the genetically blessed guys who have it all; personalities, looks, chivalry and our friendship. While chatting, one girlfriend’s astronomically good looking friend dropped by to say hello. The others of us sitting there, awe-struck, looked to her to question why she wasn’t with this perfect specimen. She responded that she preferred to keep him there as a brotherly figure. He would be the benchmark upon which she measured all other men. Their long enduring friendship was enough to sustain her and she was glad he was in her life because he reminded her that good, courteous, respectful, thoughtful, intelligent, tall, dark, handsome men were out there and boy was she grateful for the reminder.

Another friend echoed a similar sentiment. Her friend was a tall, dark , handsome model…yep a MODEL! He was the type to open doors for women, pay on first dates, took pride in his appearance, honoured his family, adored his girlfriend (when he had one), treated all women with kindness and selflessly loved all of those in his life.

Astonishingly, this was not the first case of Good-Man-Syndrome that I’d encountered. Unfortunately the syndrome was selective and was yet to go viral, but I have high hopes of it spreading like the plague…in Biblical proportions. One friend spoke of a man who visited her daily at hospital, making her feel beautiful at her lowest point. Another got her first kiss after a sweaty gym session, while having her looks fade in the Winter-rain (it always rains where there’s romance involved). Another would lovingly remember to ask about her well-being in her illness when all others had forgotten. Friendship was the perfect foundation for love (and while I’m not encouraging you to see every friend as a potential suitor, the point is, the good guys are right in front of you). Some of the people mentioned above ended in nurturing romances and others are ever-growing friendships – both are perfect outcomes.

If you’re like me, you’re reading this thinking, “WHERE THE HELL ARE THESE (friend’s) MEN? “ But if you look closely within your friendship circle you’ll find you know at least one and although you wouldn’t date this man, somewhere in a friendship circle nearby is a good guy that his friend won’t date either. Wonderfully, one in each friendship group means an army of eligible, exceptionally good bachelors for you to take note of– Ladies, he’s out there! Now sing Hallelujah!!!!

Now that you’re done singing…. I’d like you to think of the mate who saved you from humiliation in an awkward situation, the friend who spent hours searching for your wallet when you lost it traveling, the one who waited with you for three hours for a taxi to arrive after a late night , the one who would drive hours out of his way to make sure you’re home safe, and the one who never judged you in-spite of your flaws (if you have any) and thank them and God for their existence (please note, I don’t know a guy who did all of those things at once but know a few who have done at least one of these things at some point in time…we can work on the rest later).

Well done to the parents of these gentlemen. They may be a rare breed but their presence is a gift to this earth and to all of womankind.

Gentlemen if you are this rare, endangered breed of man, pat yourself on the back and pay it forward. This week, educate a friend on chivalry. Teach them how to treat a lady, learn to befriend women without sexualizing them and take your male minion for a haircut…maybe also shave that Movember Mo (thank God it’s December at the end of the week)!!

I’ve met the boys who can’t wait to fall in love, those that choose to wait till they’re men in order to provide for their families, those that look forward to having children, those that want to spoil the woman who is worth their affection and the wait, and those that shy away from expressing emotion because they too have tender hearts afraid of being hurt. All of these men have remarkably good qualities. Thankfully, I can call all of these men friends and they may be perfect for you.

If only we could have a swap party like the one in Sex and the City – then everyone would have someone and the gentlemen of this world would be ours to keep. Can I get an Amen?

System failure! Trouble in paradise.

There’s a common problem among women that details the noticeable decline in performance when a woman moves her man from boyfriend to husband territory. If perhaps we were to make marriage a computer, then it is safe to say, once the husband upgrade is made available to the boyfriend application, the husband application begins to corrupt the romance folder. He does however help provide love and finances for bills. Where the boyfriend application was once free-flowing with flattery, the husband application continues to fail the female application user.

The Husband while in your life uninstalls passion, slows down performance, wipes out housework and installs sloth in replace of the aforementioned applications to your life.

This app is a common trend among many married women in my life. Where romance was rife once upon a time, once upon a time remains just that. In recent times, love exists but actions desist. The security coding ensures longevity in partnership and thus both folders remain permanent fixtures in each other’s lives. Not always happily so.

What many men find is that nagging to fix these technical difficulties adds to the system failure and while this computer crash damages the hope folder, there is no Tech nerd who has been able to fix it to date.

Desperation abounds and women everywhere struggle with the technical failures in their marriages. The Husband upgrade is a rude shock to the system and though the desired outcome is to shut down and reboot, most women admit to having caught the incurable commitment virus, so they stick around in hope for repair. Too many cherished files exist in this hard drive and so they’d rather salvage those files than start anew.

Women everywhere for years to come will complain of this problem. The answer however is in the acknowledgement that the boyfriend application was merely an entertainment package. He was there for theatricality, joy, outings and gallivanting. Husband is the upgrade for the woman wanting an operating system; a handyman if you will.

In the “Manual of Marriage According to Me,” it is written that to repair this system failure, a new command must be entered into the system. If the command is entered with passwords; guilt, tears and mother-in-law, husband is sure to operate.

Do beware that installing Mother-in-law will result in a Husband virus that may lead to a crash. If mother-in-law creeps in undetected it will affect the running of all of the programs in your home folder. In such a case, all unsupported files will fail you and you’ll be a sad system.

Do remember that while Husband fails in some areas, he’s worth the purchase. He has minimal mental storage, but optimal stomach storage. If you cook, he will run, if you run, he will remain attracted and while there is limited multi-tasking ability at least you know whatever he is working on is one task out of your hands.

If you clear out exes, work and miscellaneous rubbish from his files, he’ll have more room for you and is likely to perform at an acceptable pace.

Maintenance of your looks and your love will ensure a performance worth your purchase. A good lippy and a bit of lingerie might help too.

Keep this for the archives folder when the system fails in future.

Kung-Fu Catfights in Search of Compatibility

Over the weekend, it’s estimated that 10,000 people between the ages of 22 and 35 showed up single and ready to mingle at a matchmaking event organized by the Chinese government in Shanghai. 

With the belief that you stick to your own, a two-day event, open exclusively to Chinese nationals became the city’s largest ever love fest.

It was estimated that 6,000 tickets were sold to single ladies and if the 4000 men that bought tickets liked it,  they could heed the wise words of Beyonce and put a ring on it. The ratio of women to men was three to two, so you could imagine the Kung-Fu cat fighting that might have unfolded on the day.

Comically, around 3000 parents tagged along to the event to help filter through the germy men to each find their respective daughter’s a gentleman. Long queues of singles waited for a chance at a five minute chat with participants of the opposite sex. 

The event was organized as a reaction to the rising numbers of single women in China who waited longer to marry and refused to settle for men of lower socioeconomic status. 

It got me thinking about marrying your equal.  While at the gym this morning, my personal trainer quizzed me on my criteria for a future partner. While I wasn’t particular on profession, I knew that as I got older, I’d want to end up with an intellectual equal (or have him be intellectually superior to me). 

I needed a challenge. I needed to be mentally and emotionally stimulated and since I worked hard, I wanted someone who shared the same values and sought success through honest, hard work (like I do). 

While I’m a champion for love, I don’t think it’s always enough to sustain a relationship so I sought high intellectual and emotional intelligence, this is what I typically found in my friendship group. My besties were all dynamic women with plenty of depth and while we were all in different occupations, I respect each and every one of them as equals so I popped friendship on my list too. You need to be friends so that you’re equals so when fights unfold, you both have boxing gloves and both have protective pads – guaranteeing you fight fair and that no one is left alone in the ring. 

Friendship canceled out snobbery and if any of us were social snobs within our group, I’d say, I was probably most guilty of it. 

I do wonder if snobbery is a sensible or superficial argument however. For example, if every guy wanted to marry a mental equal, then they’d enter into increasingly competitive relationships (on the plus side affairs with secretaries might end) and a plethora of other problems might arise. If snobbery was standard among men then neither Princess Mary nor Duchess Catherine Middleton would have had a chance at marrying their loves. My girlfriends might also not be in their relationships if they had looked at their partner’s careers over their compatibility. After considering this, I confused myself and lost all direction for this blog. 

I hate fence sitting, so I did it till sitting hurt my backside and bounced off with a bit of clarity. 

 At the aforementioned Shanghai match-making event, 6000 women showed up in hope of finding the one went with the naked admission that what they had tried so far hadn’t worked. 4,000 men concurred and just like that 10,000 people had something in common. 

United in cause but not necessarily status, the quest among all of them was for compatibility. There was no formula but their was a search for chemistry. 

The equation was 1+1, the science combined biology with chemistry and failed history would inspire an exchange of language; the language of love – that would speak more profoundly than any degree could, it would work harder and sweat more than a bricklayer in forty degree heat and would lay down the foundations to make the partner their home and in the eyes of the law, their union would be recognized. Love was about bringing together many specialties to create a special tie. 

No psychic could foresee it, no singular specialty could sustain it and no level of education could inform it. Compatibility was key and every individual had the right to search for it and deserved to find it.

For love of rhyme and love of love, I wrote a poem to summarize the above:

The terms and conditions are yours to make,

Strictness and refinement are fine when your heart’s at stake,

The greatest lesson that can be learned,

Is that your love and affection should be earned,

The one that fights for your affection,

is the one worth your attention and your reflection,

While he or she may be flawed in one way or two,

Only you can decide what is perfect for you.

  

Would love to hear your thoughts on this one….

The art of overcoming fear to find love

Since writing this blog, I’ve assumed the role of relationship counselor for many friends  and happily so! To all those telling me your stories keep doing so because it gives me great material for these blogs. One common thread among those seeking love is fear – of rejection, of a failed relationship, of over exposure and then it struck me what love in its nakedness is all about …embracing fear. 

We begin with our quest for love with a fear of rejection, I know many people happily in relationships now who fought entry into a relationship because they didn’t want to ask the girl they were interested in out. It’s what also helps maintain sexist roles in relationships…most women shy away from the idea of asking the man of their interest out for that same fear. Most of us concede that since we do a great deal within the relationship, we deserve courtship and deserve not to go through the humiliation of knocking on one’s heart and having that door shut in our faces. Like a Monet painting what seems nice from far can be a huge mess up close, so we even avoid finger-painting  and just dabbling in it.

When a relationship falls apart there is another fear that takes over…the fear of falling for someone because of the all consuming changes in life that quickly follow those three words that take a world of mustered courage to exclaim. Having loved and lost, a tower of terror is quickly built to barricade one’s emotions.  I have one friend now happily in a relationship who after her first breakup, swore off love for a year. It happened as everyone said it does, love came when she wasn’t looking and she fought it with all of her strength. In her mind, she would have happily never loved again because the work required to sustain a healthy relationship was frankly too daunting for her to invest herself into it. Courage is said to be fear that has said its prayers, so she said hers, embraced love and gave fear the flick.

Her relationship before this crumbled because of another type of fear; fear of physicality and stuffing it up! In her first relationship she was unable to show affection. She put this down to her conservative upbringing and her inexperience. She was wrong. The entire relationship was and that’s what had held her back from taking a leap of faith and a pirouette into passion. Her second relationship was different. Her new love made sure of it and with that security came the removal of fear of intimacy. It was something that even the most experienced had faced at some point in their relationships. 

Another friend shared a similar story of her first time with her new boyfriend. Emotionally famished from relationships’ passed, she had no desire to satiate her new boyfriends hunger for her. She was robbed of her ability to reciprocate love because of the avaricious way that her affection had previously been sought. Love; once tightly knit was unwoven and tangled and needed her new sweetheart to stitch up her old heart. Without pressure or persistence, he promised her a lifetime of love at her leisure. She found somebody to fix the seams of her frayed heart and her fear of being hurt diminished. 

For a while, fear of losing her love reared its insecure head in her relationship. Nothing but God had a promise of forever but for some reason, the brave of us keep seeking love.

I wondered why anyone would stupidly throw themselves into a situation that they feared and the answer of why we try came through Ernest Hemingway. I’ve always been a huge fan of his writing because he has great conviction in his commentary.  He is frank and I love honesty even if I disagree with it.

One of my favorites (that I do agree with) is when he said “the best way to know if you can trust someone is to trust them.” It is so perfect in its simplicity. 

What is indirectly explained is that in order to cure our curiosity, we face fear to fall in love and answer our own questions about people. 

Hemingway is also famed for saying, “man can only be destroyed, but never defeated.” To say this means we never truly lose in love, we learn lessons, we gain confidence in our ability to give love, we solve the mystery of what we’re looking for and though emotionally, temporarily, we feel destroyed, we are never completely overcome by the battle. 

We’re all amateur artists, trying to craft a future for ourselves. In our painting, a significant other will often appear, and with every heartbreak a new stroke of our brushes better defines what the significant other should look like. 

We fear error but we need trial to complete the picture. We take our time, because you can’t rush an artist and we fight fear for love, for the chance of living the masterpiece.