Love triangles and less than terrific timing...

Jessica likes James but her friend Julie likes him too. Julie has banded with Jessica's frenemy who also secretly happens to like James. None of them have discussed it with each other for fear of open competition or acceptance of defeat. They will all continue to court and pursue till James takes his pick. Lucky James.

 James is a little popular and a lot confused. He flirts with all but chooses none. James' friend Jono is more astute in his search. He knows exactly what he wants and that is Jessica but Jessica can't decide if being with Jono is where her life has been headed towards or if she'd rather toss both and go for their friend Jack. Friendships will be tried, loyalties will be tested and hearts will inevitably be broken. For the sake of peace, should all step away and bow out of the battle gracefully or should they follow their hearts with the belief that there is nothing more valuable than finding love?

James was in love once but when it was over, he saw the ugly side of his ex. He shook hands with bitterness, rubbed shoulders with rage and flirted with fury, but he stomped all over regret and refused to let it toy with his mind. Even though the outcome of his breakup would have allowed it. She moved on far quicker than he would have expected.

 Affairs, betrayal and recycling of relationships are something experienced the world over so it was all too important to find the person that shared his ideals and would promise the same security that he promised in a relationship second time around.

Betrayal was the basest of human actions yet James having experienced it in his past relationship had peace. It seemed everyone he knew was dating someone who somebody else loved before and although he didn't like it, he accepted the loss and soldiered on. He would rather an old love have love than halt the love of a heart that could never truly be his. This was simultaneously noble and stupid.

Jessica  had other wonderful friends who had caught partners in the act of cheating. The cheater and the mistress would go on to live happily ever after, while the cheated would be left to contemplate the loss, experience extreme lows and for the first time know loneliness. Fortunately, Jessica's friend was surrounded by wonderful people to uplift her but she'd often question why the person at fault got to know joy first?

Jessica would often tell her that it was important to experience a period of loneliness to build one's character so that when love came knocking she'd be complete enough to answer the door and let love in. Without development of one's self, it would be a relationship of dependance not one in which she could give yourself wholly to her other half.

Enter unfortunate timing for James and Jessica.

James and Jessica were chatting the other day and he sweetly contemplated that experiences lived out without a loved one were empty, futile and incomplete to him. He pondered that until his plus one could share in the joys of his life, he wouldn’t know contentment. This was the most beautifully expressed quest for love that Jessica had heard in a long time. She would have fallen for him instantly if she wasn't aware of the call to be guarded while he was still healing. He wouldn't be ready to love her for a while and so she accepted his friendship and would happily help him heal.

The problem here for Jessica was that while James claimed he was ready to move on, he continued to tell Jessica how perfect his ex (Gretchen) was. He mused on all of Gretchen’s good qualities and feared that he would never find those qualities again. Jessica didn’t voice her issue with this but if she had that night over, she would have asked, why you would want a repeat of your last relationship, if that formula failed you? He was blinded by love and it would be a while before he could see past Gretchen's good qualities. This was testament to his great character, not necessarily hers.  Gretchen sounded awful to Jessica. She tried not to judge..

She was at a crossroads… would she wait for James to be ready? Would she pay greater attention to Jono or Jack? Would she show James what he could have if he chose to love her? She didn’t want to wait because she held firmly to the belief that the man that chose to be with her would be instantly sure that she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

If there was one lesson she’d always clung to from her youth it was that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing. This was true for James and Gretchen’s relationship and it was true for her situation now.

Jessica could have sat and pontificated on the things James was missing out on by dwelling on the past. She could have sat and tried to win James over. She could have even flirted with a different fate and seen where Jono or Jack could take her but she decided against all of those options because she’d been there, done that, been hurt and grown stronger.

Self worth was the greatest gift she could give herself. She’d let the other girls compete because for her, love was not a contest, it was a blessing, and if James didn’t want her, she didn’t want him either – not because he was bad, blind or a poor judge of character, but simply, because he wasn’t the one…and she would never accept anyone less for herself.

 

The Ex Files

An anonymous reader of this blog asked me this week what are the rules when it comes to befriending your friend’s ex.  

The reader asked “when a friend breaks up with their long term relationship and you’ve made friends with the other party, as a friend do you have a responsibility to end the friendship with their ex? Is the proper etiquette to at least offer to do so? And finally, does it depend on the terms of the break up?

The reader was happy to have me blog on the topic as it’s an issue that is commonly faced by everyone at some point in time. I tried as best as I could to outline the rules according to dating, in the Ex files.

My first question, was for you to consider how close you are to both parties? If the obvious answer is your friend, then it’s a no-brainer but if the relationship has spanned years, the lines of who is friends with who may be blurred, so we move on to the other common factors.

Ultimately, and it's a sad truth in most friendship circles, a friendship with a person of the opposite gender  will dissipate or will at least be less intimate, when the male or female gets into a relationship, so if you are to pursue friendship with your mate’s ex, ask yourself is it worth losing your friend over a friendship that is likely to be over in a few years? This assumes that you have befriended your friends ex purely platonically. The other option is a whole other blog.

The other thing worth considering, is if your friend would do the same for you in return? Has he/she done so, so far? I know that friendship is not eye for eye, tooth for tooth but if you are not naturally receiving what you are giving (without keeping tab) then the quality of your friendship is probably questionable anyway.

I have some very loyal friends who I know would stick by me and have when I discover I have made the wrong decision in liking a guy. Their hatred for the boy stems out of loyalty to me and an intense hatred of seeing me upset. I’ve never requested that they hate whomever hurts me but they’re reaction is instinctive and stems out of loyalty. This reaction of course, is only warranted when a break-up or the end of a more-than-friends-friendship has resulted in my hurt. The same applies for you…if you’re friendship is hurt from an immediately unforgivable act that an ex committed towards them, then you’ll usually find you’re pretty mad at them too for putting your friend in that state. If the break up was peaceful, a different set of rules apply again.

If it was amicable then they are both good people that deserve happiness elsewhere. No hard feelings, but maybe no more feelings (period) is a good idea?

You’re friend may even push for your friendship with the girl to continue. Two sides to that argument are that if your friend wants to look like they don’t care anymore (peace/love/harmony approach) then he or she will encourage you to keep talking to their ex so it looks like he or she is over it. I do think there is always subtext in that. I've seen it done before, where friends go ahead and befriend another friend’s ex to show that their newly single friend is above the pettiness. The danger there is that when friendships develop, they get a little annoyed at their misplaced loyalty because they were there first and therefore should have priority. Will your mate have the same reaction?

 Always ask if your friend minds most good people are inclined to say forgive, forget (in good time) and go ahead and talk to her/him, but at least you'll cover your back if you've got the ok first. 

The option is yours and there is no infallible guideline for every breakup because as we know every relationship is different. I can’t definitively tell anyone what to do but personally, I'd limit my contact to what is peaceful without a close friendship. What makes men gentlemen is that a gentleman is always doing what is kind. It's kinder to be nice to all, but more valuable to be exceptionally loyal to some.

As someone on the receiving end, I've also known how hurtful it can be when an entire group of people stop talking to you because a boy has decided to cut ties. What I learnt from the experience is that most girls and boys won't wait for your friendship but if you're friendly, the ex will appreciate any positive acknowledgement more than a complete disregard of their existence. That’s just rude.

So my advice? Be kind. Be friendly. Be polite, but you have to be selective with your loyalty if the friendship is valuable to you.