Honesty (a lonely word)

Arnold Schwarzenegger said the two best things in life are “pumping and humping” and those two things  ultimately led to Maria Shriver dumping the womanizer after he admitted to having fathered a lust-child ten years ago to one of the women that cleaned their house (and there are rumours his humping was not limited to the hired help). 

Shriver, an award winning journalist, part of the Kennedy lineage and mother of his four children, sacrificed her career to spend her life as Arnie’s trophy wife, but at the end of their 25 year marriage, their were no medals for her sacrifice. 

We are yet to see this story unfold and cannot foretell if it will evolve into a Tiger Wood’s type scandal ….it’s the wood that seems to keep getting these men into trouble. What this repeatedly reveals is the dispensation of a core quality in relationships; honesty. 

If Arnold had been honest about wanting more loving, I’m pretty sure he’s devoted wife would have given it. If he was honest at the time he cheated, he may have been deterred from repeating the cheating, if he had been honest, his marriage may still be in tact.

This comes as more friends than usual, are dealing with issues of honesty in their relationships. One friend is seeing someone who after months of dating refuses to give their ‘seeing-each-other” a definition. 

We are women, therefore we think. 

It is never sufficient for us to have men see us through relationships, have us form attachments and then have them decide one morning that they have used our goods to their satiety, later venturing on to the next bright, young, shiny thing. Men claim that if women were more honest, there would be fewer problems; I agree.

However, if women were always honest, a lot of men would be very quickly scared away at the idea of us wanting commitment, while they want play. If honesty was always at play, men would be restricted in their freedoms and their friendships. They would be subjected to a lot more control than they are willing to accept, and most women would happily harp on about their problems with the men they are seeing that the relationship would be over before it existed. It’s a painful truth, that men too have to be ready to accept.

As my friend sought my advice on what she should do, she asked, should she seek out a definition from the boy she is seeing or should she let it come from him? I am always very conflicted when it comes to what women should do in a relationship. My traditional self tells me to allow the man to do the courting, while my 21^st century self screams ‘female liberation’ and the freedom to find your own fortune. In this situation I figure, if you have been dating for five months, you are exclusive and he is yet to call you his girlfriend, this boy is probably playing you or tongue-tied. Either way, he needs a little less action and a lot more talking, as dreaded as it may be. It’s difficult to call this boy, everyman but it does beg the question, why are some men ready to settle earlier than others? In comes that word again.  Honesty!

If both had articulated their agendas at the start of the relationship, neither would be in this conundrum. Unable to turn back the hands of time, honesty here will either offer security in the relationship they have or shut my friend out of the love shack. Both,to me, are good outcomes because at least then there is no more guess work. 

This has been the stuff of countless breakups. When sweet-talk does not suffice. Honesty steps in; calling for accountability, their is no dancing around answers,  love is the hoped outcome but  an honest answer, has sometimes painfully (but for the better) proved not to be. When it isn't, the relationship isn't either, but the truth, sets both free.

One of my favourite songs, originally by Billy Joel but beautifully covered by Beyonce, is called “Honesty.” The lyrics sing of love, of flattery and of little white lies being easy to find but the song shares a poignant truth; that honesty is often accompanied by loneliness because of its evaporation from society, and people’s inability to digest harsh truths.

Honesty it says, is hardly ever heard, but is what the world needs most. Agreed. 

For the end of questions, for the start of clarity, for deeper understanding of the people that surround you, the simplest answer exists in honesty. Honestly.

GOSSIP GIRLS – YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT XOXO

The movie ‘Cruel Intentions’ introduced children of the nineties to a sordid type of human; one that is self seeking, sexually driven and unashamedly envious of any and all competition; this repulsive type of person is quite reminiscent of today’s female. Interested in success, envious of other women, a stumbling block to themselves and sadly, sometimes also to their friends. In this movie, they said ‘keep your friends close and your enemies even closer,” and we do.

This week I was chatting to a friend about how much easier it is to be nice to people, how much less energy is exerted when you smile rather than snob off someone and how if everyone embraced this attitude, we’d live in a much more harmonious world. Her response illuminated another perspective, that being nice to everyone was fake, was two-faced and too one dimensional. If nobody spoke their mind, everyone would be nice, nice was boring and therefore nobody would be making headlines and we’d have nothing to gossip about and nobody to make us feel superior over other ruder beings. She had a point.

Painful as it is to admit, women love to have a bit of a gossip. We are leeches to any information that will expose weaknesses of another person and although we all participate (and I’ll admit I gossip too) – the practice itself is disgusting and destructive – not just to the person’s self esteem but also to ourselves as supreme beings. We stoop and become the enemy, thriving off the exclusive access to information that we have.

Women follow a pattern in such situations. They will fake a smile to the girl they are judging, cling tight to the girl dispensing the gossip and at an opportunity to socially climb we will wisely dispense that information to another, for access to a new friendship, to fill time, sometimes consciously, other times just because, more often than not it is rarely justifiably…or is it.

Before I chastised everyone who shares in my crimes, I searched to understand the psychology behind it….and in the process found an answer that suited me.

Nigel Nicholson, Ph.D pins gossip down to evolution and our natural instincts to survive in the animal kingdom. He explains that there are two sides to every story (der!) and with gossip there is the heart warming emotions linked with the forming alliances and finding belonging within a social circle, the second is that gut-wrenching rage when we are placed on the receiving end of the gossip, realizing that we will be damaged in some way through this means.

Nicholson claims that we are evolved to talk.  That makes sense I thought, after all, Eve was created as a companion for Adam and as such, since the start of creationism, two were always better than one. Two could not form a pair however if they were mismatched and this is why we network; to find like minded people who share our loves and hates and in doing so form exclusive cliques that keep out  the outsider. Once the outsider is spotted we influence each other’s decisions to maintain our standing within a group and in doing so form alliances that protect us from the scorn of our friends.

The dark side to this is that by gossiping we exclude others, we are more likely to be gossiped about and as we fuel the fire, many get burnt (think the late Princess Diana and the paparazzi’s fatal pursuit of her private life…of gossip).

However, the often paralleled pursuit of Kate Middleton may have led her to the altar today. As the gossipy tabloids labeled the Princess-to-be, Waity Katie, Kate was reminded of her worth and demanded of Will, that she wait no more…and that’s the thing about gossip…. as toxic as it is, it somehow, it acts as a code of ethics; reminding us of what is acceptable and what is condemned and gives us an option to choose to wear our halos, horns…or Sapphire engagement rings.

And just before my male audience, label us women venomous and vile, my trainer revealed this morning that you men do it too. You just disguise and re-label it. As he chatted to me about who was sleeping with who at the gym and which men was an accessory to two affairs, one formerly attractive man, became the elephant in the room and in gossiping I was spared from scandal.

My trainer revealed that while we call it gossip, men call it character assessment.

Call it what you will, I thought…gossip is gossip and according to Nicholson, essential to survival. Armed with the knowledge that gossip is innate, I will work to only positively analyse people, to be inclusive (not just to people like me), and will try to keep my friends close and make friends out of frenemies......right after girls’ night tonight and the necessary gossip we’ll have.