Alexithymia – do you have it?

I was complaining to a friend about a lack of material for my blog recently and being the devoted reader and loyal friend that she is, she alerted me to a problem I’ve regularly encountered but never knew how to name until she introduced me to Alexithymia.

Alexithymia is not a person, he’s not Greek but the word does have Greek origin. It’s a term that psychotherapist Peter Sifneos came up with to describe “a state of deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions.” He sounds Greek too.

 The word comes from the Ancient Greek words λέξις (lexis, "diction", "word") and θυμός (thumos, "soul, as the seat of emotion, feeling, and thought") modified by an alpha-privative literally meaning "without words for emotions."

I wish I knew this when I first met my friend. He’s lovely and I don’t think he has this problem but funnily enough he is Greek also, and every time we’d come remotely close to having an emotional chat he’d break out into song and in the tune of the bad boys theme song, he’d sing “deep talk, deep talk…whatchya gonna do, whatchya gonna do when deep talk comes for you, deep talk, deep talk.” Just like that, I would end up in a fit of laughter and he would end up dodging the chat. Clever kiddo. Really clever.

Boys if you want to avoid D&M’s humour is the way to do it. Generally this is something that would enrage, frustrate, aggravate and annoy women…but not my friend. She’s found humour in her boyfriend’s alexithymia. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed but she has happily accepted this as the explanation for their verbally unaffectionate relationship.

She describes him as a gentleman, “old school chivalry and new school avoider.” She is verbose but not expressive of her emotions either (except towards me) so somehow the partnership works.

Her reflection on his better qualities got me thinking however…. are we being foolish in our expectations of men? In wanting a man who can eloquently express his love  are we denying ourselves time with the gentlemen who can show it rather than recite a Hallmark card?

I’ve dealt with both kinds of men. We all have.

Time and time again I have fallen for the wordsmiths, the William Shakespeare’s, the Will-you-marry-me-men who very quickly (every time) become the Will-you-stop-playing-me-men, the Will-you-shut-up-men and the Will-you-disappear-promptly-men. With all of these will’s that I won’t do a thing with, I’ve learnt that when he talks the talk, he stumbles in his walk (and I want a man who struts not stumbles).  

My friend’s newfound happiness (however much she chooses to downplay it) is admirable in its maturity, sweet in its sincerity and beautifully loving in its understanding. I know she would have gagged reading that sentence. Sorry my love but it was worth complimenting you and congratulating you on.

Mum has always said if words were free boys would never pay to use them. Sure enough, mum is right. She always is.

Another friend of mine has been through months of emotional torment because of the trail of  kind words that the guy she was seeing lay out . Initially, it had her following and wanting more. Although she knew he was toxic, she continued to drink from his poisonous cup. His words were alluring but ultimately soul-destroying. His words were cheap. She isn't.

All along though she knew he would hurt her, she bought into the sweet talk and ended up with a root-canal. Yes there was routing involved, yes when it was over it hit a nerve and yes, the pain of being played was a lesson not to dine with the devil – but when his words were beautifully presented, she keenly unwrapped his armour everyday. Everyday a new man was revealed. She became disillusioned. Everyday, he was less desirable. She kept unwrapping till no words were left. They were no longer good enough.

 We like words because they are kind.

We like words because they don’t need to be said and mean the world when they are.

We like words because they imply that we’ve been thought of.

We like words because they appear sincere, but what if people looked like their personality?

Would their words still matter?

How long will you allow yourself to be fooled by the man with the chivalrous shroud?

Be shrewd in your choices and believe in actions, not words. Many can talk, few can deliver -and the gamble seems to be working for my friend.

That Thing You Do....

I know I’ve created a bit of a reputation for myself as a man-hater. I know because the men that read this have told me so. I'm here to set the record straight....that couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re only going to speak so passionately about something if you genuinely care for it. That ‘it’ for me, is the entire male race. You have me in a headspin most days. I’m frustrated with you for at least three quarters of the year, but I’m simultaneously besotted with you. I think you're fabulous and I love how happy you've made my friends and family. You've even tugged at my heartstrings here and there. 

Although it’s loads of fun to man-bash, this week’s blog is about celebrating the goodness of the men in our lives (and it's not even father's day.... how cute is that).

The good thing about being single is that this means I can draw inspiration from all the men in my life to list the reasons why we love them...and they are many.

1.     The first and the simplest of assets are their good looks.

…. Seriously, I could look at them all day.

Ryan Gosling you look dapper in a suit. Man oh man at a man in a suit (another star quality).

They don't just look good in suits - they also look fabulous when fit and shirtless. Thank you David Gandy and thank you Dolce & Gabbana. 

They can have talent and be good looking AND be in a suit all at once. I'm looking at you Chris Hemsworth ( Still pains me that I missed meeting him at the office today). 

They don't even need to wear suits if they have scrubs (Patrick Dempsey)... however if they scrap scrubs for a bow tie - they will right every wrong in your life. 

If you are lucky and lost on an island - this is what you'd get to look at and love. Thank you Matthew Fox

Tough pick ladies. 

My pleasure. Thank me later.

2.    I'm not completely superficial however. I do recognise that they have capacity for many other great things. They fix things. From the surgeons to the sparkies - We love ya! However, when I googled hot electrician or hot surgeon (I couldn't find a single one that wasn't famous).  

3.     They’re protective. Few people will feel as indignant about you being cheated, hurt, lied to or taken advantage of but the men in your life will be just as cranky and will always offer to fight for your honour. They are honourable. 

4.     They’re great sportsmen and great to play with. They will encourage you. They will push you beyond your limitations. They will play to your strengths and they will inspire you to aspire to greatness. They also still look amazing mid-workout and covered in sweat. I'm so into sports....

see-! I'm pretty sure Cristiano is praying to meet me in this photo. 

5.     They give you this cute little wink that says you’ll be ok when you’re looking for your cheer squad. That wink is always enough. 

6.     They’re great listeners (warning this is a rare quality. A good listener exists in 1 in every 500 men *statistics in this blog are guesstimates). 

7.     They say exactly the right thing when you need to hear it most. It won't be sugar-coated. It won't be flowery. It will be the truth and it will mean everything when you hear it.

8.     They won’t bother arguing about menial things (that waits till after marriage). 

9.     They won’t hold grudges (that waits till after marriage too). .

10. They love a good chat and a good gossip just as much as we do (this is eternal).

11. The funny ones are side splittingly funny. These ones are unfailingly the best company.  

12. They’re spontaneous

13. They’re adventurous

14. They try new things and as they plan their future, they envision you in those plans.

15. Their smile fuels yours.

16. Just a few kind words are enough to sustain you for days.

17. They are wonderfully selfless when in love.

18. The good ones will supersede your every expectation.

19. They’re in awe of your goodness.

20. They recognise all of your good qualities.

21. They support your dreams

22. They help you achieve them.

23. They never stop encouraging you

24. They better you just by having them in your life.

Yep. Love them.

Easy one to work out this week and blissful to write. Thanks boys. Thanks men. Thanks Google. 

Love Tapestry

I’ve been surrounded by a lot of positivity recently... so much so that I think it would be beneficial to the world to have two of me, just to share the joy. Humility has never been my strength.

As positivity enters my life, amazing things keep happening. Some call it manifesting my reality by putting what I want out there, but being a believer in God, I think you do your bit, giving it all you have, and the rest is left to the big man upstairs to sort out and bring into fruition if it’s right for your life.

The reason I have doubts of ourselves as demi-Gods and as the sole makers of our own destiny is that I don’t believe someone like Kerrie-Anne Kennerley wished Cancer on herself this week – her determination might get her through the battle but being the healthiest she’s ever been, she certainly wasn’t asking for ill-health.

Some things are left to God – you can call it the universe or Mother Nature if you’re that way inclined. Love is one of those things that are left to the forces that are greater than us. Once we have it we work to keep it, but it's journey to us, doesn't always have something to do with how we brought it about. While everything you do should be done on purpose, everything that happens to us, isn't always our doing. That's a bit too much responsibility to bear. 

While we’re all deserving of love, we all receive it at different times and often when I survey those who have found it, there is a deep appreciation for true love coming when they needed it most. It came when they had experienced heartache and needed someone to help them heal, when they’d found completion in themselves and as a result were able to completely love someone back without being too needy, or when life had slowed down so they could finally give enough of themselves to sustain the relationships that they might have previously jeopardised or not prioritised.

My friend and I were discussing creative ideas and thought, imagine everyone had been given the time, date and name of the person who they would fall in love with? This is the desire of many single girls – the old, “I don’t care about being single but if I could just be told the day I was going to meet him, I could call off the search.” Guilty.  It’s a bit tragic and it got us thinking, if you actually had an answer, if you had that secret revealed to you, would you actually show up or would the idea of forever freak you out from arriving to your fate? Imagine your horror when you had dreamt up Ryan Gosling and you’re faced with Zach Galifianakis (without knowing how funny he is)?  What if Zach was your fate and you were perfectly suited to each other but you’d spent your youth fixated on the wrong person then missed out on your happily ever after? We already know that we miss 100% of the shots we don’t take. Would you take that shot and give yourself the chance to love the underdog?

Continuing in this vain, I thought what if you weren’t given a time or date but that in dreaming him up you could manifest your relationship reality? What would that include? Would you do whatever it took to reach him or her? 

I read an article about this today that detailed the many reasons why we need to reassess our priorities.  This personal review would start with a vision board and end (ideally) with a relationship.  The board is supposed to feature images of you with your crush/partner but the focus is not so much on the person as it is about the qualities that you admire.

The vision board acts as a remedy to your bad choices thus far. If you keep attracting the wrong type, if you fall into the same toxic patterns of dating those who are ill-suited to you, if you want a friend to turn lover, you are hoping to settle down with ‘the one’ or you just want to improve the relationship you already have, then a vision board is for you.

I will admit I’m sceptical but I’d hate to miss an opportunity because my mind was closed to an idea.

 Frank Zappa said “ a mind is like a parachute; it only works if it’s open,” so with an open mind, this image is the start of  my vision board (yes, it features Ryan Gosling and yes, this may be why I’m sceptical about it happening). Also Ryan Gosling would say, "you and I" at the end of that quote rather than "you and me." Good grammar is important and is also on the wish list.

Thomas Eddison said “opportunity is missed by most people because it’s dressed in overalls and looks like work,” – who would you love to spend your love life working for and with?   What would your vision board include and if he had all the things you were hoping for, would you be brave enough to show up on the day you knew he was coming? 

Not Your Mother's Rules.

A while ago another relationship blogger; Vanessa Taylor, introduced me to “The Rules.” I’ve become an avid subscriber to her musings – her blog is more about celebrity relationships – but I think love speaks a universal language. It doesn’t matter if you're black, white, rich, poor, on the cover of Forbes or sweeping floors, we all want it and we’re all puzzled in the quest for it. Most of us have enough going on in our lives to not have to worry about what the celebs do in their love lives though – like Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth getting engaged ( she is looking amazing these days and locking her down in her prime probably has something to do with the proposal)….but what about the rest of us?

I’m guessing she’s a “Rules” girl – because she now has a ring on her finger and I’m told the plan is a full-proof one.  

“The Rules” were written by Ellen Fein and Sherie Schnieder and enacted by women around the world – not just your desperate, dateless know-nothings either. Beyonce calls it her favourite book (and she has Jay-Z), Oprah swears by it (and she has Steadman) and Kate Middleton played by the rules and we all know how that ended up. 

Seventeen years ago when “The Rules” were released, the dating world was shaken by a book that pushed the "treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen" philosophy – especially after many were still enjoying the perks of the sexual revolution. It wasn’t going to be easy, but the end result was going to be worth it.  

Women everywhere gave ear to their 35 fool-proof rules to snagging Mr. Right. This is the general gist of what the book contained:

-  Don't stare at men or talk too much

-  Don't talk to a man first

-  Don't call him and rarely return his calls

-  Always end phone calls first

-  Don't go Dutch on a date

 All those rules still very much apply and I feel like I’ve been practicing this stuff from the womb (to no avail) and maybe that’s because nothing has been written that is applicable to all the other loopholes in love that exist with today’s technologies.

Alas, Fein and Schneider have heard our cries. Earlier this year, the women announced that they were working on an updated version of the guide for the sexting/texting/tweeting/poking world, called “Not Your Mother's Rules.”

Is that a squawk of excitement I hear?

…just keep your pants on for now. As old as love is, the lessons for attaining it are also.

The biggest takeaway lesson from the New Rules is that you can cry 21st century all you like but the Rules stay the same. You can’t teach old dogs new tricks but you can play games…dogs like games…and so do men unfortunately.

I’m often incited by my male friends to remain an object of mystery (but for a guy to want to know less about me in order to find me desirable is kind of insulting). However, “The Rules” preach the same thing.

Men are still expected to eat out of the palms of our hands but you need them to come begging of their own accord. They’ll come when they want to. They’ll come when they need to.  At ease lady (if they like you, your work is done).

They make no exceptions to the rule that men should always initiate contact (this I agree with – though I have whimsically broken this rule many times).

Fein and Schneider in a recent interview on JDate said, “No exceptions. A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy's profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move. If you have something exceptional in common, he has to notice that, and contact you first.”

Women this is your clue and gents this is your queue.

 The authors also advise women to "wait as long as you can before having sex".

That means a lot of talking time. Odd when they’ve told women “not to talk too much.” My only question for them is,  if you can’t talk and you can’t play…what on earth do you do on dates?

Not Your Mother’s Rules is out next year, so you can break all the rules until then then there’s no excuse – you’ll have a manual…and hopefully a man by then too.