A lover from another brother...interested?

How do you feel about dating your friend’s crush?

There’s an ethical dilemma on my friend’s hands. She has a huge crush on a lovely lad that appears to be courting her but her friend is a tad into him as well. The problem is, she didn’t realize her compatibility with him at first glance (few people ever do), so while her friend called dibs on him, she happily stood aside until they got talking and before she knew it she was falling for him too.

She asked me the other day. Is it worth pursuing when her friend had liked him first?

This is very tricky businesses when loyalty is tested but any rational woman would agree that you can’t call shotgun on a man who isn’t yours. Generally, it’s up to the gentlemen to make men of themselves and to pursue the girl that interests them. It’s not that I’m not a feminist. I am. I do believe in women’s rights but it’s because of the value that I place on women, that I think they should only be with men who appreciate their value (shown by them asking YOU out and not the other way around). Just like that, I think my friend’s question might have been answered.

If this man she is interested in is truly interested in her, then her friend should graciously step aside. After all, why would anyone want to be with someone who didn’t want them just as much?  On the flip side, why can’t they both step aside and ditch the male? Simply, because as a single person, I know it’s tough out there. You don’t come by decent guys often, so when they do pop up in your life and are just as infatuated with you, you’ve kind of got to hold on to that good thing. Your friend’s crush will pass.

Sounds simple in theory but it’s absolutely gut-wrenching in practice.

My friend is torn. Devastated. Losing sleep even.

I’ve seen two couples emerge out of broken relationships. In both situations, love was found; in one of them however, a friendship was lost. That brings me to my other questions….is it more important to hold on to a friendship that might not last or is it more important to give love a chance, in hope that it will outlast the friendship? Can your friendship be forgiving, open-minded and honest enough to withstand that sort of test?

When I first heard the story of a friend stealing his best mate’s ex, I was outraged, repulsed, stupefied. Essentially it was cheating on your best friend. After all, if you could callously switch off your sensitivity towards your friend for a moment of selfishness, how could you ever pledge loyalty (with meaning) to anyone again? It would seem that in this situation their word on loyalty would become void as a result of their disloyalty. I couldn’t be with someone like that. I would also struggle to befriend someone like that. It’s not even about being judgmental; it’s more about having the ability to respect someone enough not to pass judgment on them. This is the type of thing that would make me disrespect someone. I don’t like liars and I don’t like cheats.

The ethics of friendship and romance is murky however and always open to interpretation.

Since opinions are malleable, shades of grey exist, and definitions are subjective, what if all of the above happened to a pair of friends who:

a)     weren’t that close

b)    Only had crushes on these guys (and neither actually dated/kissed/marked territory in any way)

Would the rules change? For me, they do a little, especially considering the flip side of the argument.

Another of my friends is being courted by a couple of mates. They aren’t besties. They are both attractive and attracted to her. Both are pulling out all the stops to win her over. She is being coy, is enjoying the attention but is careful not to jeopardise either of these potential relationships because friendships are at stake.

If both boys don’t mind playing the same game, then there’s no harm in my friend putting her best foot forward and picking herself a winner. She’d also have to brace herself for a bit of heartbreak in case these boys choose friendship over her (unlikely situation as far as I can tell). I don’t think these boys subscribe to a bro code.

It’s a lesson we know and all agree with; hate the game and not the player. There are always casualties when love is played. You may win, you may shoot or you may be shot down. Brace yourself and don’t say I didn’t warn  you.