The curse of comparison

 
I want to look like Sofia Vergara with a bit more tone..or Adriana Lima (no adjustments necessary). That’s getting a little picky but as I trim down, her body and Adriana's face are always in sight. I think a bit of comparison in order to keep goals in check is healthy but the delusion that once I’m thin, I’ll look like either of them is toxic…and a little bit insane.

I can’t be so narcissistic that as a kitten, I’m looking into a mirror and seeing a lioness. Not in this jungle. Not in this lifetime.

You all have a body dream (Sofia Vergara/Adriana Lima). A person whose intelligence you wish you had (Mark Zuckerberg), a person whose outreach you wish you could attain (Oprah) and let’s face it, you can imitate but you can rarely duplicate so your pursuit of happiness is complete when acceptance with your difference begins.

We've all fallen into the curse of comparison more than once but recently I’ve noticed the curse outstretching its shifty hands and hovering over people’s happy places and I'm kindly requesting it to stop.

The place I’ve learnt to conquer the crazy in me has been through Crossfit (I highly recommend it to any woman or man who wants the fact that they can kick arse asserted to them on a daily basis).

Crossfit is a high intensity workout that reels you in because of the gladiators that do it and keeps you there because of the community that is created through shared struggle. I began the workout a little intimidated by the super-human strength that some of the women around me displayed on a daily basis. I had two options, be envious or work from the bottom up. I chose the latter and because of it am reaching the former and have found my mojo in the process.

Without comparison we would have few goals but the finesse in doing so is in comparing without envy. Over the period that I’ve been training, I’ve reveled in seeing the people around me come into their own, seeing one of my besties mould the bedonkey-donk butt she’s been dreaming of. You know who you are and the change is inspiring.  Not all of us would see it this way and (if we do we certainly fail some of the times). I do still fall into the trappings of wishing I had X’s abs, Y’s butt, Z’s arms but I take an active stance and quickly realize that a better me is enough to keep me content…without wanting another person’s anything.

Women are their own worst enemies. They have a trillion fabulous qualities but they will look to the flaws of the women around them to satisfy their insecurities and assert their superiority. It has to stop for a sisterhood to be possible.

I think today, we’re going through a narcissistic renaissance where the world’s population is entirely consumed by it’s self and it’s image. The acquisitive, self-seeking and in my view, ugly manifestation of that want to be perfect, breeds an evil, egotistic and deeply insecure alter-ego. Ladies, you want to get rid of her instead of lugging her around and having her diminish your sense of self.

That beautiful woman you’re staring at has an abusive father, that girl that’s thinner than you has an eating disorder, that woman with the beautiful smile has steely eyes from the heartbreak she’s experienced. That wealthy woman is devastatingly lonely. That woman with three children, struggled for ten years to have them. That woman with great hair, is in remission from Cancer.

Every quality we admire has been established through struggle.

Nothing comes from nothing so every gift you’ve been given is worth backing.

Back yourself, is of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

The other valuable lesson is kindness. Mark Twain said kindness was the only thing that the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Kindness and confidence are the most beautiful accessories a person can carry.

If you’re kind to yourself and kind to others, comparison will bring a kinder you and confidence in your character will be enough to satisfy you. Your satisfaction with yourself is what everyone else is searching for.

What we say and what we mean.

I didn't write this but found it hilarious and thought I should share it. Enjoy! X

To the greatest mother of all.

She's been there through everything. She wiped you up after your first poop and has been elbow deep in your crap from the day she had you and she's done it all for your entire life with a smile on her face.

A mother's selflessness is unparalleled to any other person you'll ever cross paths with. They sacrifice their time, looks, wardrobes, incomes, health, fitness, feelings all to see you smile - and that is their only payment.

They endure laborious jobs to pay for your comforts and the moment they arrive home, they leap into their other full-time commitment - their husbands and their homes.

Dinner is always on the table, the bedrooms are always clean, the ironing is complete, the dishes are done and dry, the washing is neatly folded...all with a selfless joy I neither understand or know how to emulate.

They say as we grow we're only as good as the people that raise us and if it's true that I'll even be fractionally the mother to my children that my mother has been to me, I'll be nominating myself for a Nobel peace prize because her love is the type that moulds a murky world into a rose-coloured love nest

This mother's day (and every mother's day) it's important we take the chance to thank our selfless mums for the sacrifices they've made for us. This year I've written a poem that dotes on the good stuff – mum comes in no other variety:

I didn't know what lay ahead

But you gave me a heart and head

Born into this world your little girl

You brushed my hair and straightened my curls

Years passed by and I grew older

And all the while I had your shoulder

To laugh, to cry, to kiss, to hold,

A hiding place, my warmth from the cold

I came to you with stories of love,

Your wisdom felt like a gift from above

I came to you with a graze on my knee,

And you gave me the strength to again run free

You armed me with love that strengthened my soul,

You backed my dreams and supported my goals,

You gave me love that is unparalleled

Through every stage of life it’s your hand that I’ve held

You taught me to love, to forgive and forget,

You taught me to live a life without regret,

For every lesson you’ve blessed me with,

I’ve taken it on as a precious gift

You are a woman that gives your heart to strangers,

That loves without expectation, no matter the dangers,

You give your heart and your service to all,

In serving selflessly, you are enthralled,

If I had lived one hundred times more,

You’re the only mother I could ever wish for,

You are everything that I could hope to be,

The greatest gift in life I know, is that God made you for me.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful women out there who have made this world a better place.

X

You're pretty awesome ya' know... Accept it!

I might have a problem with intimacy.

Not when I like someone – just in the initial phases when you start flirting with someone new. I don’t know how to take a compliment so I just make a joke of it and brush it off. I get how this can seem cold and be a bit of a deterrent for Mr.Shiney-and-new and I also see how it might put a halt on future flirtation, quickly morphing Shiney into dull and old…but I just haven’t been able to stop this crushing reflex.

I always harp on about how I would love sweet nothings being whispered to me and then when it happens, the phony trumpet blows and I blow the opportunity to reel nurture a crush into a relationship.

Fortunately, I realized this with a non-crush before the damage was done (so what I said, mattered slightly less because I cared less about turning him off). Then a few minutes later, I was annoyed with myself.

I know that this is deeply rooted in relationship’s past. Where the person I was, was left behind when my first real ‘love’ (equivalent) was. We’re never the same after a breakup. Temporarily, we are broken. A lucky few don’t go through the lengthy motions of recovery after heartbreak because they spring into flings and manage to compensate emotionally for the absence of an ex. The rest of us, grieve, hate, cry, love, reflect, mourn, grow and recover over days, weeks, months and sometimes years. The change in us is inevitable. We always hope that it is for the better but life is not a rom-com so that is not always so.

Recently, a friend gave me a compliment, told me he liked me and spoke to me like a lady…he even called me one and all I managed to do in response was deflect the compliment, laugh at the gesture and joke at how insincere it sounded. It wasn’t insincere and I had very poorly handled the chat. Again, I was annoyed with myself.

What was so bad about accepting a compliment? Why was it so difficult to return the sentiment or to just say thank you appreciatively and assertively?

I can’t call myself damaged goods because I still remain as one of the most wildly optimistic people I know when it comes to love but it’s easy to see why I might become damaged if I continued in this vain.

I know where I used to love blindly, I now like with hesitation.

Where I used to love compliments (and let me make it clear that I have no problem giving them), I am distrustful if a male is giving me one.

Where I used to believe in everlasting love, now, often I’m searching for used by dates.

I’m making it my mission to change this however because there’s more involved in the rejection of a compliment than my ego.

If somebody has told you they like you, then congratulate yourself, you’ve met their approval (not that you need it for self gratification). They didn’t need to tell you that you were likeable. They didn’t have to say something nice. More likely than any of the other cynical rebuttals you’ve drummed up in your head, they are doing it out of goodwill, out of sheer desire to be good, because they are good. That has very little to do with you.

Whether you brush off a compliment, make a joke of it, downplay it’s value - each of these ways of deflecting a compliment results in putting down both yourself and the giver of the compliment, so they're not actually very giving or kind responses (despite your attempt/belief that you’ve embraced modesty as one of your finer qualities).

I didn’t realize how bad this could be until it was done to me and then I regretted giving the compliment to begin with. I thought it was a waste of breath if the person didn’t significantly react to a sincere reaction to their good qualities. They seemed less ‘good’ because of it.

In reacting modestly, the person I’d complimented lynched my thoughts. Suffocated and choking on my words, it would be difficult in future to utter the same words and risk being hanged again. Modesty in moderation is fine. Rejecting someone’s kindness for the sake of appearing humble is not.

If they were deflecting because they had trust issues (and most of us do), this is only a poor reflection of yourself. If you’re genuine, believe that you draw in people with the same sincerity. You’re generally smart enough to suss out the friends from the fakes, so be wise but be warm.

Although I love attention (that’s no secret), one thing I instinctively do is to return a compliment when it’s given to me. I’m a people-pleaser, I can’t help it and that comes with many burdens in itself. I’ve read that returning a compliment is self-effacing. Mentally for people pleasers, our brains say “I don’t deserve this compliment” and then we bat it back. Insecurity is letting your more admirable qualities down. Back yourself lady (or gent). The flick back compliment is almost as bad as the second ‘I love you.’ It’s not that it means less, but it can often seem like something you’re ‘just saying.’ They ARE a great conversation filler, but few of us lie so well that our fake flattery isn’t transparent. Take credit where credit is due and give it back accordingly.

I was told to take compliments as an exercise in being assertive. I hate for something so lovely to sound so regimented but order makes sense and that’s why it exists. All accepting a compliment is, is a recognition that you are deserving of that kindness and an acknowledgement that it is a kind act for someone to share that with you.

You didn’t need to fancily return the compliment being given to you because in accepting it you were telling the person that gave it that you trusted their judgment, their wisdom and their sense of your place in it.

Few things are nicer than that.