International Cougar Week - Little boys beware

In case you hadn’t heard, it’s International Cougar Week and that means a calling for the Demi Moore’s, the Goldie Hawn’s and the Susan Sarandon’s of the world to take out their predatory claws and allow them to grip onto their willing younger prey. Only twenty two but already considering the merits of being one if I’m still single at thirty, upon observing the successful women around me, I see the merits in women allowing themselves to be taken by their toy boys.

Demi Moore married husband Ashton Kutcher, fifteen years her junior (that’s a little too much for me), in 2005. A whole six years ago and their marriage is still stronger than ever. The reason? I credit it to inferiority complexes among men and their constant desire to prove their manhood.

A man will step up and make an honest woman out of his partner if and when he a) wants to keep her as his own and b) recognises her superiority and knows that if he is slow to act, another will take her. There’s a great line that Ashton Kutcher funnily enough says to Jessica Alba in the movie, ‘Valentine’s Day.’ He says in his proposal, “my father told me that when you meet the girl that’s better than you, marry her.” Life imitated art when he found, fell in love with and married Hollywood dazzler Demi Moore, better than him and now married to him.

Mariah Carey is expecting twins from her boy toy anytime this month. With a vocal range as broad as Mariah’s you’d hate to get into trouble in that household – it’s no wonder Nick Cave is quietly satisfied.

Perhaps the power anthem “I am woman hear me roar” had subtext of female’s being the one’s who court men, of women powering through predefined gender roles and using their prowess to court and conquer hearts; younger more obedient, more giving, less complex men.  

Since Stifler’s mum in American pie we learnt the power of a semi-attractive woman over the growth of a young boy. This is to Sir with Love but reversed – To Madam with lust if you will. “How do you thank someone, who has taken you from crayons to perfume?” What you give in return is commitment, gratitude…or better yet, servitude.

Fountains of Wayne flowed their love and admiration for “Stacey’s mom (who had) it going on” in the 90’s and called upon their carnal desires to be satiated by a cougar.

I remember when I was younger an old friend was enamoured by an older, mutual friend of ours. I never understood it being the younger more attractive one. Now I do. It was forbidden therefore it was desirable. I wonder if cougars became more available would they then become less appealing?

When Mark Philippoussis starred in the reality hit series- “Age of Love”  he was given the option of love with a forty something year old woman or with a twenty something year old. The twenty something cheerleader ultimately won but he seemed genuinely conflicted in making his choice. The show featured ten forty something year old women who competed with ten twenty-something year old women for “The Poos” affection. All were open to falling in love with him. The Poo explained their appeal (many men share this sentiment) - that they know what they want, they go after it, they are more confident with themselves and therefore are more assertive in the relationship – it is love without complexity (I didn’t know that even existed).

The answer then I guess was not in seeking love in a younger male, was not in contributing to the cougar convention, was not about wearing the pants or having a man that acquiesced to all of your demands. It appears that the secret to a successful relationship was a combination of honesty and confidence not age and power play.

Too young to become a cougar and with little need to venture into that arena just yet, I take comfort in the fact that men will want me when I’m old and that I can still have their desirable qualities without the wrinkles in my youth. When love is found, the wrinkles won’t matter because it all looks the same in the dark but if you’re a cougar, you’ll have a toy boy who’ll look good in daylight too; perfect as long as people don’t mistake you for his mum.

Beauty and Booty - In the eye of the beholder

Everyone’s a little bit of a pervert – few will admit it but all partake in it because most of us are visual creatures happy to analyse, attract or aspire to look like the aesthetically supreme beings that fill this great earth. This week I wondered if there was more to a stare than just the instant thrill of feeling attractive?

My job this week was not to judge the perverts around me but rather to character analyse their gaze. This was inspired by a recent ploy of two New Zealander girls living in the United States. These actresses and models, conscious of the attention they attracted sought to see what no eye could but every woman’s eye desires – their rear view. By discreetly placing a hidden camera in their denim back pocket, they captured those enraptured by their bottoms. (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1357939/Girls-install-camera-jeans-catch-men-ogling-bottoms-LA.html)

These women were already attractive – models even so I imagined they’d have no junk in their trunk but that didn’t stop men from oggling and the rest of the world from Googling and hitting up YouTube for a bootycall.

Without the technological means/ desire to play butt camera-dominos – I spent this week looking at the way men look at women and I guess became a pervert in the process (I suffer for my art).

This was my hall pass if you wish to look at men looking at me looking at them and looking at others. If eyes are the window to the soul then this week’s assignment was not about perversion it was about soul-searching. I learnt a thing or two.

Where else to start but public transport…

The learned game player – this man reads on the train, with full knowledge that every woman appreciates a literary man. He skim reads each page, I wonder if there’s any text in it like this new bestseller labelled “What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex”. The book has a cover and then is filled with 200 blank pages, outselling ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘The DaVinci Code’. This book has soared in sales, reaching number 744 on the Amazon bestseller list and retails at an affordable $7.95. It’s a cheap thrill, but cheaper than $7.95 is staring at a passersby for FREE!!!

 With each turn of the page he glances up to see women biting their lips, flicking their hair, curious about this Mr.Darcy and wondering if they can be his Emma Woodhouse. Suddenly every woman in the carriage is Jane Austen writing their future in her head. This boy does read, he reads women and with each flick of the page he glances over to a different woman – a place to rest his tired eyes from all of that intense concentration.

Lesson 1 # Women in suits like men with books. Boys pick a book, ANY book and guarantee yourself a look!

 Next is the predator – not in a criminal way, this man is just the king of his jungle. With precision and prowess he circles his prey, maintaining a watchful eye. The woman blushes a little but is first to look away, this is the first indication that she is yielding to his power, alternatively, she was well taught in the school of etiquette and gets that it’s rude to stare – but if she chose to, she’d have great reason to - this man is quite the looker, tall, dark, handsome AND in a suit in the CBD – oddly he just stares and circles.

You may bump into this fella a few times, he floats wherever single ladies flock, he plays his game well and certainly has your attention, and the only problem is you only have his attention for a fleeting second. He craves more than just your cushy tush.

Lesson 2 # Ladies beware of the predator, he looks to fill his own desire, an egotistical ploy to assert his reign over your kingdom but he is always looking for the next big thing…that means, like all women, to him you are just a phase, so be UNPHASED by his fleeting flirtation.

Next up is the feely pervert. He leans on your hand as you hold the railing; he ‘accidentally’ puts a hand over yours as you grab the nearest pole to avoid falling. Any excuse for a chat. The girl I’m looking at seems a little hot and flustered. He uses this discomfort to his advantage. “Life can’t be that bad” he sympathises. She half-smiles, unsure whether to succumb to his charm(or lack of from where I’m sitting) or shove him off. He looks a little defeated. The whole train is watching - me included.

As pitiful as I find his ploy, their’s merit in all of these people’s efforts to catch the gaze of the opposite sex. It’s been said that ‘you’re nobody till somebody loves you,’ so maybe amidst the shy flirtation, the half-smiles, the literary pursuits and the blatant stares, are people looking for purpose. The suit does not make the man as far as I could see, it’s more the woman suited to him that does.

Core shakers, rattling romance and searching for a soul-mate.

From birth we are attracted to things that shake us – we are given rattle toys and we are bemused by the ease with which they shake and the noises they produce – the novelty wears out and then we transition to music shaking our hips rather than our rattle toys, we may thrive off the adrenalin rush of roller-coasters or allow ourselves to be shaken and stirred by dodgem cars or go carts - we sometimes leave with battle scars, but we almost always come back to be shaken again. As we grow up, we allow ourselves to be shaken in many forms, sometimes by worldly tragedies, sometimes because we’re premenstrual and other times (and our favourite kind) we are simply shaken by love. We’re always searching for the next big thing to move us because we are addicted to the feeling.

This week, I’m surrounded by love, observant of lust and curious about soul-mates. Are we capable of falling in love at first sight or seeing past the lust to feel core-shakingly connected to someone or is love a one-off occurrence that can only be known through shared experience and the growth that comes from that? 

I was at my friend’s engagement party last week and both saw love and in a separate instance reflected on the absence of it with old friends who had new things in common with me. My friend who got engaged looked radiant and you could both see and feel the love shared between both fiancées. My friend, in love was angelic, after meeting the man that moved her heart, she was inspired to become her greatest self.  She stepped up and brought heaven down to earth for her new love. Without divulging too much of their private life, I can say that qualities I knew existed in her were never put to the test until love knocked at her heart’s door and toed the doorframe  and saw her selflessly, unreservedly allow love in. She became more loving in the process of giving it. She had found her soul-mate.  Others in her situation may have run away for fear of being hurt.  Some may have tested the waters but found it too bitter to digest. She however dived headfirst into cinematic romance, with the full knowledge that this love would shake her. It struck me that this was what finding a soul-mate was about, accepting a love that not only connects to your soul but moves it, after which you can never be the same as you once were. You can only be better. 

A dilemma amongst the rest of us was how one rids of misconceptions of love to be sure of taking the risk with ‘The One.’  I’m told it’s an overwhelming feeling. I’m told that when he comes you ‘just know’ and until then you just know that everyone else is not-the-one; that answer for someone who has not experienced it is the most infuriatingly vague and unfathomable response possible.  Such a response is even worse for friends who have once been burned and are now too fragile in their rehabilitation to grasp the idea of playing with fire without a rulebook and a fail proof plan. In hope of encouraging risk-taking, I’m going to attempt to explain what every woman is searching for so we stop wasting time with those who fall short.

For most of us, it begins with a smile. It intrigues us as it is the first seeming act of sincerity and unashamed display of weakness to us. It is complimented with kindness, best seen through his stare. The way he gazes at you is very telling of where his mind is and when his eyes distractedly look away, you have permission to disgustedly lose heart. A dialogue begins and while his words are important his actions are the most telling of his ‘manhood.’ 

Many can speak. 

Few can deliver. 

We love-longing females learn this lesson time and time again. The clock ticks and it’s as if no time has passed at all. He feels the same. We’re shaken and stirred– and that’s just infatuation!

Dates continue, secrets are shared and his loyalty is tested. Then the drama begins as you jump through hoops to please each other, as you fight for your love and prove it is worth fighting for and that is when you really know. 

He may be kind, he may be giving, he may be honest even when it hurts but amidst the fighting and throughout the tears do you always believe that to him you are exceptional and supreme?

Oscar Wilde said “never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.” He knew a thing or two about life and love. Finding your soul-mate is extraordinary, miraculous even, so while it may mean you know from a feeling, you also know from experience. 

You’ll experience a new rattling that you celebrate with child-like exaltation – it is innocent yet mature, trusting and responsible yet freeing at the same time. It is a heavy load that somehow makes you feel light and it is more honest and kind than you’ve ever been to yourself. It is liberating yet protective and almost effortlessly puts a smile on your face, even when it stirs you.  When you are in it and feeling tidal movements of your heart, ultimately, it is that feeling that will extraordinarily shape you. Then you’ll know you found your soul-mate and your search for the next distracting rattle toy will be over.

Recycling men and coats

Last week Myer and David Jones launched their autumn/winter collections to fashionable A listers across the nation. The frenzy got me thinking about seasons and how some things are only meant to last a little while before we are forced to wake up and smell the roses (or be pricked by the thorns).

The Morning Show aired a segment where gossip columnist Shelly Horton, interviewed guests at the Myer fashion show on fashion faux pas – the do nots and the please-don’t-mentions of fashion mistakes from today’s fashionstas. The segment had me wondering, what other forgotten trends did we wish to keep buried in our closets or to donate to someone else.

If one man’s trash was another man’s treasure, was giving old loves the boot an act of kindness and goodwill to the universe or was it a blunder on our end for not keeping something that may be valuable in the future? When is foresight an investment and when is it delusion?

As I started thinking of fashion trends for autumn/winter, I was surrounded by friends with relationships reaching the end of their season and that’s when fashion met relationship. While retail therapy is always in order, at a less superficial level, I wondered about how many couples nakedly reveal the truth in their relationships, how much truth can a relationship handle and does the removal of our cool (mostly fashionable) exteriors bring chilling change to a couple that moves them from summer loving to an autumnal period where leaves fall and are eventually replaced with new ones?

One friend took the end of her relationship to be an investment; like a Burberry trench – the end of her relationship meant the shedding of girly trend-pieces and the start of classic-cuts. These cuts would hold her better than her last trench, support her shape as she grew in her new career and hopefully (for what you pay for a Burberry coat) would last a lifetime.

It’s trench warfare! Except on this battlefield, new wars (sometimes just as mental battles) begin with each season because every weather change sheds new light, forces us to rid of old trends (sometimes the enemy) and if we're wise, inspires positive changes towards new changes that fit better.

My other friend told me about facades that both she and her partner were wearing for a period of time. They were both wearing the same coat: the we-are-fighting-but-smiling-through-it-and-maybe-if-we-fake-it-long-enough-we’ll-convince-ourselves-we’re-ok coat. A passive rage was building between them and an inferno of contempt for each others neglect made the coat too hot to handle – it had to come off. With a step away from a fad that had long phased them, a little distance and a new perspective made the coat look ugly and unwearable. Time to donate the coat to the needier or the less fortunate (however you choose to see it).

This is where curiosity stepped in about trash and treasure. If everyone was ditching an old love, this would set new people into the single-sphere and men and women alike would have a few more options to choose from. Sometimes antique is attractive, vintage always seems to travel back into our wardrobes but others find no substitute for what is shiny and new.

If new is better then we’re all screwed, because everyone is an old love of someone else. What is good about what is old is that it is also matured, experienced and every season it’s given a fresh spin.

My love and fashion lesson suddenly took a turn I wasn’t expecting it to – I learnt that everything comes to an end, that what we learn from each relationship is similar to what we learn from a fashion faux pas – what not to do again...but when we recycle that knowledge we learn what we should do, then new coats look better, feel better and eventually become trans-seasonal and among the recycled, we might find a classic piece worth keeping.

 

This is not about men; it's about YOU!!!

I was at work on Friday and for those aware of my delightful shiftwork, you’d know I start at 2.30 in the morning and so we do whatever it takes to keep ourselves awake at this ungodly hour. This morning I was working with one of my more contemplative and spiritually in touch colleagues.

We read our horoscopes and although neither of us religiously prescribes to psychics forecasts of our future, yesterday’s prediction was worth paying attention to for the self-evaluation it offered and the discussion that ensued.

After a week of typically overworking and exhausting myself, my horoscope said that yesterday in particular an old flame would be reignited, this time the sparks would illuminate a new passion, new lessons and I’d emerge more luminescent and less burns victim.

Love, this week was not about falling prey to old predators, it was not about being a carnivorous man-eater either, it was about welcoming me back into my life. This is not a self-righteous, holier-than-thou lesson but just a lesson in caring for myself so that I still had something to give back.

The fact is in life, women have a tendency to over-commit themselves whether it be socially, at work, in family or trying to strike a balance between all three. While personal training this week, my punches were weak, forceless, without strength (not me at all) and my trainer commented that I had run out of fuel. In truth, my lights were out, I’d run out of fuel, my battery was dead and I think I was even a little short on water – it’s no wonder we couldn’t get the engine running.

What I realised was that in trying to be  superhuman, I was so busy saving everyone and faking invincibility that when it came to saving myself, I’d lost all power to do so. There was one question inspired by a song I was listening to that echoed perpetually in my mind; who’s there to save the hero?

The lyrics to Beyonce’s “Save the Hero” sing:

I'm left with no shoulder
But everyone wants to lean on me.
I guess I'm their soldier.
Well, who's gonna be mine?

Who's there to save the hero
When she's left all alone
And she's crying out for help.
Who's there to save the hero
Who's there to save the girl…
After she saves the world?

(listen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tb0tycNJc-I ). Beyonce has a point!

This is in no way me advocating for women around the world to end the sisterhood and stop supporting each other but rather a call for women who are so consumed in being the hero to take a step back and remember to care for themselves. I’ve said it before and will say it again; you are your best asset, so you’re worth investing that extra time and effort in caring for before bitterness becomes you after being dangerously negligent of yourself. I know I’m channeling Dr. Phil or your grandmother, but this is important!

In Cherie Cater-Scott’s #1 New York Times bestseller If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules, Scott gave the world ten rules for climbing the ladder, standing taller and overcoming life’s challenges. The rules are as old as love itself and the first one for true long-lasting, core-shaking love is to begin by loving yourself first. 

After twenty-five years of conducting workshops and seminars, Chérie discovered that the most important and therefore probably the most difficult to understand and attain is the acquisition of love and then finding contentment with that partnership.

You’ve heard it reiterated a million times “love is the thing” and everyone is looking for it or looking for ways to sustain it. The onus falls on you in this game to make your first move towards love by loving yourself.

Central to the way people respond to you and to your capacity to love is the relationship you have with yourself. The highest common factor in all of your life experiences; family, friends, love, relationships, work, is YOU!! That is why chapter one of her book is centred on nurturing that relationship.

That loving relationship you form with yourself inspires confidence to be yourself, security in your judgements and lack of compromise to things lesser than you deserve.

Whether you are an Aquarius or not, I’ll make my own prediction for your future; if you invest in you, you will have the energy to give love to others and will have it duly returned to you. Health is wealth so love yourself and experience new prosperity.

Love Lessons from Little Miss Sunshine and Friends

What happens when the magic fizzles with Mr Right-now? When after weeks of flirtation, the object of your affection only wants to look affectionately at somebody else? The lights are out the shades are dim and the prospects of a new love life become grim - back to square one.

This week I'm going back to basics - back to square one and learning my lessons from children's books (they have more to offer in love and wisdom than an episode of Oprah - you'd be surprised)!!

It was my birthday last week and a gorgeous friend of mine; George Tillianakis (unfortunately for me, this one’s gay)  bought me three Little Miss books that he thought best described my character; Little Miss Sunshine, Little Miss Magic and Little Miss Wise. So sweet!

So this week with lessons from Oprah, the little Miss series and experience, I armed myself with answers to my question...what happens when phase 1 of flirtation is over? Compromise? Experiment? Misery?

It's at this point that you have to think outside the box to catch and keep your potential husband. This sounds bizarre given that you can't think "husband" after meeting every guy but after every guy you meet you can narrow down the search to a list of qualities that you want and are unwilling to compromise...that's "The Secret" and in love, life and celebrity everyone from nobody friends to somebody celebrities attest to the perfect love that comes to you as you say a prayer, write a wish and wait on providence.

The Secret to “The Secret,” the book that is, is clarity. Know what you want, be unwilling to compromise those values and what you want will come to you because the positive energy that you radiate will attract the same qualities.

Little Miss Magic knows a thing or two about this because "when she tells something to do something, it does it." I like her authority.

Little Miss Sunshine always exudes positivity and metamorphosed Miseryland into Laughterland. Upon returning to Mr Happy she retold the story of her trip to Miseryland where happiness, laughter and chuckling were disallowed.

“Miseryland?” questionned Mr Happy

“I never knew a place like that existed.”

“It doesn’t” smirked, little Miss Sunshine because Miseryland was what she made it.

I read this one on Valentine’s day and it reminded me not to travel there, because positivity was the only place I knew. Just as I thought I’d learnt all I could from the Little Miss series, Little Miss Wise stepped in with a lesson.

"On Wednesday Little Miss Wise refused to get into Mr Busy's racing car.... She didn't want to have an accident."

On Thursday she refused to go into Mr Messy’s house.

" If I go into his house, I will get dirty" she said to herself

On Friday she refused to play tennis with Mr Silly. Smart girl not wanting to play with balls.

“I can't say no to everyone” she thought so she finally gave Mr Mischief a go.

“Mr Mischief gave her sneezing powder and she used 199 tissues to get better,” proving he was a bit of a Mr Silly himself.  

You know exactly where these lessons led me on Valentine’s day, away from Miseryland like Little Miss Sunshine, knowing what I wanted and demanding it like Little Miss Magic and all the wiser and unwilling to compromise with the Mr Silly’s and Messy’s of the world thanks to Little Miss Wise, George Tillianakis and my new little “Secret.”

The Ugly and the Unwanted in the Wild

I write often about the Fabios of the world that woo you into a whirlwind romance but have seldom written of the no-meo's that is the non-Romeo; that awful male you can't stand to have around you but who thinks he has courtship mastered right down to the engagement ring. You don't have the heart to tell him that you're not interested because the less fortunate in the looks department are always too sensitive to accept the rejection. They are unable to see that it's not him, it's not even you, it's simply that you're not compatible.

I used to consider myself a nice person until I saw that I'd once reduced a man to tears through my condescending comments to him. I didn't mean it and I am sorry for the exchange but it was later brought to my attention that this man's heart weakened because that was the only overworked muscle in him that though feeling vividly was neglected by others after facing a series of rejctions. Unfortunately, even in love it is survival of the fittest.

This Animal Kingdom seeks a Bear Grylls so that in situations where man must verse wild, man always prevails. In this case, the wild won, the boy was lost and the battle was decided. The weakest link was voted off the island of potential love interests as "I am woman hear me roar" sounded off as he took his walk of shame off the island.

One more contestant stepped up with grand gestures coated in sleaze, dipped in slime and ending in a danger zone that I was unwilling to tred into. This time, the offerer was more stoic in his approach, he wouldn't cry like the last one but his temper would flare after his offer was rejected and although I love passion, I hate fury, so this hot head would have to cool off in distant waters where there are plenty of fish in the sea, none of them being me available to this Snapper fish....I'd much prefer to be up on a yacht somewhere looking down at the poor fish than swimming amongst them. Individuality over commonality always prevails in my books.

This may seem painful and perplexing to the opposite sex. We want a sensitive man but not one that cries more often than we do unless it's Jude Law's character in The Holiday. We want a passionate man but not an angry man unless he's fighting for our hearts. We want a man's man but not a grub unless it's Bear Grylls and we want you to be intelligent enough to know when we are and aren't interested so that we don't have to console the sad, avoid the bad and further upset the ugly.

It's a jungle out there and most people let out a mating call in life, you just have to be attuned to the sound and singing the same tune to be noticed. Elephants and tigers could never interbreed and so the lesson in this love saga is for birds of a feather to flock together and avoid the confusion by hoping for physical impossibilities.

The animal kingdom is clever in this regard because they are always drawn to sameness. You may walk like a man, you may talk like a man, but in finding a partner use your instincts like an animal and seek compatability in the wild.