Resourceful Romance

I love social networking. In my field it’s always important to expand my network and add names and numbers to my contact book. Through social networking, that list has been further extended; special mentions go to Skype, LinkedIn and Twitter for allowing ‘work,’ and play to friskily intertwine.

This year, I have mingled plenty and have discovered the world of online flirtation. I never search for them, nor do I subscribe to online dating sites (I haven’t reached that level of desperation just yet) but I have been followed, tweeted and happily linked to an array of attractive, intelligent, successful men who happen to also like what they see. It’s a good photo (will aim to walk around with that smile and pose for all of 2012 in hope that it works in real life situations).

This week, a new connection, emailed to say hello and a few other things. I won’t lie, it was thrilling. To have a complete stranger send me a message of…umm…flattery was nice. As far as I could tell he wasn’t after anything, he just wanted to say something sweet because he could.  Nicer still was the fact that he wasn’t a wannabe migrant overseas flirting for a visa (sweeping generalization, but we’ve all been victim to that kind of terror talk which is always unwelcome).

Better yet was that this was not the first instance of social networking aiding what I like to call resourceful romance. During a little office gossip session on the men using their computers to court women, we concluded that while online dating used to be a painful admission that you were failing in the real world, nowadays, everyone is looking for romance everywhere and anywhere. Few have the time to seek out relationships with our long hours of work and busy ‘single’ social lives. We decided to look at these men as opportunistic rather than desperate, after all, there’s no bad way to take a compliment.

While I don’t think I’d date these men ( I’m still weary of whoever might be hiding behind the screens and the emails) I have enjoyed the ego-boost that comes with someone I find attractive finding me attractive too.

What is meritorious about this is that it actually requires a bit of effort to keep an email chain going and since they’re doing something that they don’t have to do and going out of their way to be nice, just because, I was enjoying being charmed and was not going to be high, mighty and judgemental about it. Instead, for a change, I’d participate.

This flirtation at my fingertips got me thinking about the opportunities available to people in search of romance that they do/don’t use.

For ‘research,’ I was reading an article wherein a relationship expert at a singles convention (no I didn’t attend) chose to motivationally speak to the masses and remind the women in waiting to get out and live in order to meet someone. Sounds simple.

The speaker discussed how most of us are creatures of habit and needed to engage in life beyond our small, safe spheres.

There’s no denying that being single means you’re probably very social. That’s true to me and many of you. What it means is that we’re often having to schedule romance in or worse still, missing out on it altogether because we stick to the same routine, the same people, the same places. It’s difficult to manage a ‘single’ and socially active life. You go to work, go to the gym, catch up with a friend (or a group of them) for coffee and before you know it your week is over. No new faces. No new relationships. Plenty of missed opportunity.  

No I’m not saying ditch your friends. I’m saying expand your friendship circle. Try new things. See new people. Maximise your outreach and appeal in all of your social settings. Speak up. Speak out. Be noticed. Be you because that’s all you need to attract ‘the one,’ just be somewhere where you might meet people.

My gay friend and I were perving on an ultra-attractive male that was walking by us today. We caught each other in the act, laughed about it and he commented, “I’m sorry, I always try to be subtle, but clearly, I’m failing at it.” Subtlety is boring and unnecessary I think.

Obviously, you don’t want to come on too strong but you only need a bit of social sense to know where the line is between sweet and sleazy. I know you already know where that line is because you’re reading this blog and all of my readers are striking and smart.

ANYWAY…back to my point….after our perve, we moved on to pontificating about the stupidity of subtlety. If life is short and we’re all about seizing the day and making the most of the fateful opportunities before us, why is it that where it matters most, we shy away from admitting our feelings. Sure it can be humiliating if we’re rejected, but isn’t the ultimate gain of love worth the risk? Isn’t it serendipitous enough that you’re in the same place at the same time and out of the billions of people in the world, somehow God or fate or whatever you believe has brought you to that point to give you a chance at getting to know each other?

Here is where my upbringing conflicts with my character. I chase people for a living, I’m paid to do it, I am a control freak, a go-getter, am fiercely determined where a goal is in sight but have traditional values and appreciate courtship. Generally if I see something/someone that I want, it takes everything in me to hold back and it just about kills me waiting for responses (because I’m so used to instantaneous replies at work and in friendships). If you want to annoy me, holding back is how. With romance, the happy compromise that I’ve found is in flirting back.

I don’t think it’s tarty or cheap to show someone you’re interested in, that you are interested. Quite the opposite actually…. it’s empowering.  This means living without regret, knowing you always did what you could and it’s one step closer to finding the one. No games. No rules. No headache. Just honesty – the best policy.

We have mouths to speak what our hearts and heads are feeling and thinking. We have fingers to call, text and type to bridge a gap where our feet can’t take us and we have a plethora of ways to access the people we want, where we want, when we want (please excuse the stalker in me - don’t judge…we all do it).

The point is love (or at least initial interest) is everywhere. Gumption gets you closer to finding it and being resourceful with the options and opportunities before you will mean romance is closer than you imagined. Be a doer..not a dreamer.

The first move may be the hardest to make, but it takes two to tango and the first step to the dance is asking if someone will join you.

The best friend, a fiend.

We're all beauty kings and queens in search of world peace until you meet your love's best friend who happens to be the other gender. World peace vanishes and you become destructive, you become much more interested in world domination and that means kicking your lovers BFF off your island.

If this is survivor, they are the outcast and you do all you can to kick this waste of space out of the race. Normally you wouldn't be so unkind to someone. You may even be friends in other instances but when she's taking more of your boyfriend’s time than you are, the girl has got to
go!!!

I'd love to say that we're all really liberal and ready to let love in in every circumstance but most girls wouldn't and I admit I'd struggle with the idea of another girl taking up my man's time up. The reason for this is that you never want to be on the outskirts of their in jokes and I'm unsure of what he'd have to share with her privately that he couldn't just share with me. The situation works only if the female friend is taken and unattractive and poses no threat to your partnership.

Interestingly, many men I know feel the same about us women clinging to friendships with men who aren't them when they are your partners. The explanation given to me was that they only befriend women if they think they have a chance of being with them and if they don't desire that, they were at least initially attracted to that person. Attraction must thus have vanished or never existed to begin with.

Knowing that their brains are hard wired for sex and not much else makes men nervous about you letting other men in your life. Knowing that women rarely stick around in a female/male friendship without the thought of a future with this man crossing their mind at least once makes women nervous about these type of liaisons too. We’re no strangers to the pre relationship clause that details an agreement between you and your bestie that reads 'let's marry each other if we reach thirty and are still single." With the throw away comment safely inserted into their unspoken contract, it’s no wonder, the friendship meddles with our sanity. 

Of course this is not a blanket rule for all friendships or relationships. I know many women and men with great neutral relationships, but partners on both sides enter the relationship with caution and tread carefully until the situation is sussed out. 

The friend can't stand it. The girlfriend can't stand it. The man is left standing in the middle.

The competition starts early. This female friend will notice the diversion of his attention from her to you. She'll be everywhere he is and know everything about you. She'll profess her love to him regularly before you get a chance to do so and she'll manipulate the situation to always emerge a little closer, a little more knowledgeable and a little bit better for him than you.

She'll arrange to meet him, she'll offer him her help wherever she can, she'll happily lend an ear for complaints about you and her profile photos will always feature a special guest; YOUR boyfriend!

I get it. She's insecure, she's losing someone she cares about it and their are difficult changes that everyone has to adapt to. Fair enough as long as no sabotage is involved and she stops being territorial. When that line is drawn in the sand, you better hope she stays on her side of the sand.

I hate the sound of how hateful/hurtful this situation can be so I tried to think of instances where this could work and this is what I came up with:

1) if he/she is in a relationship
2) if he/she is happy to have you there and treats you kindly in his/her absence
3) if he/she is devoid of emotion and therefore is incapable of experiencing jealousy
4) if he/she is ugly/nonthreatening and your partner agrees with your assessment of their looks (harsh but true)!

When beautiful women fight for one man’s attention, ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ comes to mind – this scene in particular.

The problem here is that someone will always get hurt, even if it’s just your imagination going into overdrive. This will happen because life would have taught you often that three (in a relationship) is a crowd and there’s a big chance that that friend if not tapping into the physical, will emotionally occupy your partner’s heart. 

For men, it’s a silly idea from the start….trying to date two women will cost a man three times as much….and possibly your relationship in the end. A man cannot serve two masters and a woman would be exhausted with this too. 

This is a sad truth for most but being an eternal optimist I hope to find the better in the other woman (as long as she’s not his mistress).

For every woman or man struggling to accept your partner’s BFF in your life, practice love – as difficult as it can be, no one can ever hate someone who loves them. They may be annoyed by them. They may dislike them but they’ll never hate them. 

 If your man has befriended a girl before knowing you (or during), she’s probably got some admirable qualities (after all, he does have exceptional taste don’t you think ;)). You could try befriending her, you could try to see the good and if it’s still a futile effort, alert your man. He may agree and things will work for the better. 

If you still struggle to meet at a compromise and your insecurities are still stirred by her presence, then step-away from the threesome because somewhere, someone out there is happy to prioritise you and in such a case, his female friend won’t get in the way. If she does, the hope is that she’s Julia and your Cameron in the clip above and the walk down the aisle comes with the realization that her friend is YOUR man. 

Saint Basil said, “a  tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” With this in mind, love in your heart and kindness in your deeds, you will have successfully turned a fiend into a friend. 

At this point, beauty kings and queens can be re-crowned, cat-fights are avoided and the ugliness of insecurity is safely contained. When every man and woman knows their place on the island, peace can be hoped for once more and no one needs to be voted out.  

Weiner and Woods get women wondering about love.

This week, Congressman Anthony Weiner’s private life was exposed because his private parts were exposed to women other than his wife. The Weiner’s and the Wood’s (Tiger that is) have something in common, where balls are involved, games will be played and the first ladies are put second to the lustful sport of adultery where little men in powerful positions gamble love for garbage.

It’s no wonder women are constantly losing faith in the male species. I almost did this week until scrolling through my twitter feed. A subscriber of all things loving and romantic, one person I followed tweeted ‘don’t say there are no good men left, say I go to all the same places expecting for the scenery to change and to meet new people,” (I’ve paraphrased but that was more or less the point…and WHAT A POINT IT WAS).  Here I was wondering where Mr.Right was when I was hanging out on Dormant Drive – there would be no volcanic, earth shattering romance here – I had little option but to keep walking, keep searching…anywhere but here.

Then a funny thing happened….Mr.Right-Now came knocking at my door. Now I can say with certainty that he is not right for me, but he is present in my life, this minute. He came…also on Twitter (and yes, it is fall of twats) with another perspective on what it would take for me to give him my heart. He said, ‘an intelligent man opens your mind, a handsome man opens your eyes and a gentleman opens your heart.” How nice I thought. I want a combination of all three.

While he claimed gentility, his words when not attempting to court me suggested otherwise and as I questionned his inability to maintain the myth he'd portrayed, alas, an answer came through Lara Bingle. Also trending on Twitter, she said, ‘women fall in love with what they hear and men fall in love with what they see…that’s why men lie and women wear make-up.” Who knew Bingle could speak with such profundity? Experience educated her – her beauty reeled Cricket Captain Michael Clarke in to love but her scandalous photos and foul play made what was visible less desirable and so Clarke’s sweet-nothings ceased to be whispered, making Bingle single.  

Some couples are able to weather any storm though with Weiner’s wife pregnant in her first trimester, she has (as far as we’ve read) promised to stand by her man, seeking guidance from none other than Hilary Clinton on how to wipe the slate clean. I guess the lesson from Hilary for women is, when your man doesn’t know how to conduct himself in public, keep him private… and then wear his pants.

Edmund Burke (not on Twitter) said “the greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.” These men, clearly unable to prove worthy of their power and abusing it when they have it, need women like Clinton and Beyonce to ‘run the world’ to keep them from misbehaving. Clinton wears the pants and Beyonce doesn’t wear any – perhaps finding a happy medium between the two is the secret to good governance of MANkind.

International Cougar Week - Little boys beware

In case you hadn’t heard, it’s International Cougar Week and that means a calling for the Demi Moore’s, the Goldie Hawn’s and the Susan Sarandon’s of the world to take out their predatory claws and allow them to grip onto their willing younger prey. Only twenty two but already considering the merits of being one if I’m still single at thirty, upon observing the successful women around me, I see the merits in women allowing themselves to be taken by their toy boys.

Demi Moore married husband Ashton Kutcher, fifteen years her junior (that’s a little too much for me), in 2005. A whole six years ago and their marriage is still stronger than ever. The reason? I credit it to inferiority complexes among men and their constant desire to prove their manhood.

A man will step up and make an honest woman out of his partner if and when he a) wants to keep her as his own and b) recognises her superiority and knows that if he is slow to act, another will take her. There’s a great line that Ashton Kutcher funnily enough says to Jessica Alba in the movie, ‘Valentine’s Day.’ He says in his proposal, “my father told me that when you meet the girl that’s better than you, marry her.” Life imitated art when he found, fell in love with and married Hollywood dazzler Demi Moore, better than him and now married to him.

Mariah Carey is expecting twins from her boy toy anytime this month. With a vocal range as broad as Mariah’s you’d hate to get into trouble in that household – it’s no wonder Nick Cave is quietly satisfied.

Perhaps the power anthem “I am woman hear me roar” had subtext of female’s being the one’s who court men, of women powering through predefined gender roles and using their prowess to court and conquer hearts; younger more obedient, more giving, less complex men.  

Since Stifler’s mum in American pie we learnt the power of a semi-attractive woman over the growth of a young boy. This is to Sir with Love but reversed – To Madam with lust if you will. “How do you thank someone, who has taken you from crayons to perfume?” What you give in return is commitment, gratitude…or better yet, servitude.

Fountains of Wayne flowed their love and admiration for “Stacey’s mom (who had) it going on” in the 90’s and called upon their carnal desires to be satiated by a cougar.

I remember when I was younger an old friend was enamoured by an older, mutual friend of ours. I never understood it being the younger more attractive one. Now I do. It was forbidden therefore it was desirable. I wonder if cougars became more available would they then become less appealing?

When Mark Philippoussis starred in the reality hit series- “Age of Love”  he was given the option of love with a forty something year old woman or with a twenty something year old. The twenty something cheerleader ultimately won but he seemed genuinely conflicted in making his choice. The show featured ten forty something year old women who competed with ten twenty-something year old women for “The Poos” affection. All were open to falling in love with him. The Poo explained their appeal (many men share this sentiment) - that they know what they want, they go after it, they are more confident with themselves and therefore are more assertive in the relationship – it is love without complexity (I didn’t know that even existed).

The answer then I guess was not in seeking love in a younger male, was not in contributing to the cougar convention, was not about wearing the pants or having a man that acquiesced to all of your demands. It appears that the secret to a successful relationship was a combination of honesty and confidence not age and power play.

Too young to become a cougar and with little need to venture into that arena just yet, I take comfort in the fact that men will want me when I’m old and that I can still have their desirable qualities without the wrinkles in my youth. When love is found, the wrinkles won’t matter because it all looks the same in the dark but if you’re a cougar, you’ll have a toy boy who’ll look good in daylight too; perfect as long as people don’t mistake you for his mum.