The lady and the loser...a lonely liaison.

Listen buddy.

This is starting to be a problem. I told you before that if you upset my friend you’d have me to answer to.

Collectively, my girlfriend’s and I have had enough!

I’ve tried to defend you. Believe me I have. I tried to stay optimistic. It was even my middle name for a while.

Then you disappointed her. Then you disappointed me. Then I stopped defending you. There was nothing positive left to say.

You knew you could get her and so you sought her. Then rejected her when she didn’t even want you to begin with.

The only thing more hurtful than having someone you love reject you is to have someone you didn’t want reject you too. Why was it a game? What did you stand to gain? You’re an idiot. There are no two ways about it.

You see, you’re constantly telling us that you’re not all bad. You’re constantly in defence of your gender as being the more reasonable, rational side of the sexes but what is reasonable or rational about hurting someone for your own enjoyment? What is honourable in that? Do you need me to explain to you what honour means?

An old friend and I have reunited. We were close years ago and have found each other again, only to discover that we never lost our connection. We were immediately close again when we found each other. We’d taken similar paths in career, we trod along the same track to fitness and we were both, a little jaundiced by love because so far it was slapping us around.

Let me tell you a bit about my friend…she’s a knockout! She has an enviable body, she can outrun most boys in a race, she can challenge ANY man; be it a barman or a Barrister, she is educated, she is fit, she is social, she is outgoing, she has launched her own very successful business but is still grounded, is still loving, is still warm and here’s the nail-biting finish…she’s single. I don’t get it! I bet you don't either?!!

My only explanation would be that her success is intimidating. What a tragedy that is if this is the truth; that her greatest strengths would become her worst enemy in love is ludicrous to me. It is her confidence that attracts you and her completion of self that makes you realise the absence of it in yourself. Rather than fearing commitment, why don’t you look to join the person that challenges you to be your best self?

Gentlemen, welcome to our brains…

Take a seat…

I can tell it might take a while before you understand just how foolish you’ve been!

This game you’re playing is stupid….and a little bit mystifying at the same time… and you say WE’RE a mystery. Boys, we ain’t got nuthin’ on you!

You were lovely for days, weeks, months and then you either died or got amnesia. It’s the only ‘reasonable’ explanation for your absence because you simply stopped calling? Nothing changed on our end. We couldn’t work out why you’d stopped? You didn’t dignify the relationship with a response. You just ran off. What the hell where you thinking? What are you still thinking?  You asked for our numbers and then when we gave them you never called? You even joked that you never wanted it to begin with..You say you can see a future for us and then you bolt right into the future and leave us in your past? You shy away from intimacy but claim to be searching for it.  How could you not be interested? When will you ever commit? What did we do wrong? Why, do you even exist!!!

And that’s summarised.

In this tug-of-war of love, why does immersion into a relationship with you feel like a total mental and physical strain of ourselves?

The answer this week, for me…because I’m trying to stay optimistic (and keep optimistic for my friend) is that men are just as afraid of rejection and heartbreak as us – so they’re ego steps in and spoils what is perfectly good  as a defence mechanism for their own hearts. It turns out, that in love, it's we women who have the balls. We’re much more willing to give our hearts and expose it to heartbreak than a man would. So far the gamble is not paying off.

I always do a bit of research pre-blogging so I have some intelligent backing to the arguments I made…or if my findings are not that intelligent...then just so I have somebody to argue with. I found many therapists who have counselled tribes of brave men into relationship security. This would be wonderful if we were all after the crazies, but instead we’re the ones being driven crazy and the game players are far too busy to sit in a confessional because they’re the ones playing the field.

The therapists or the equally distraught damsels are the ones blogging and article writing and hypothesising. Guilty as charged.

The sisters have spoken and the truths they have gathered parade in typical, ‘it’s not you, it’s (them)’ fashion (of course it’s them..it’s definitely not you)…boys don’t commit because:

a)  a)                   They are emotionally immature. Ladies you need to kick him to the kerb. If he’s not man   enough to take command of his own emotions, how on earth will he handle yours? If he can’t make a decision and more importantly if he can’t give you a definitive answer about being with you then make the decision for him. This boy has gotta go!

b)                 Men need to feel superior. Superiority is so two centuries ago! We’re all equals where I’m playing. If he doesn’t like it, you show him who’s boss…and by that I mean YOU! I’m only interested in a man who is level-headed. As soon as there is an imbalance, you know not to let yourself get weighed down by an egotistical male. Bump him off the scales and dump him from your life. There should be no powerplay between you and when it arises then the power is yours to excuse yourself out of there.  

c)                  Men use mind games to tease women. It’s that old adage that if a boy REALLY likes you he’ll make fun of you. That’s cute till you’re 12. Now, if a boy really likes you, he BETTER be on his best behavior. I’m not saying limousines and diamonds, I’m saying good old fashioned manners. Treat her like she’s important and she’ll place no one above you. Put all your cards on the table. It’s gutsy and it will get you the girl – if it doesn’t, she’s a tosser or you’re a creep. It can only be one of the two. (I’m kidding..there are other reasons but they are more than can be numbered…and I won’t be able to go out and meet the one if I’m sitting here writing all day).

d)         Men often use mind games to gauge a woman’s interest in them. How stupid! What’s the point of acting uninterested when you have genuine feelings for someone? It’s a waste of time; yours and hers. I know you’re afraid of rejection. So are we! Your plan to play hard-to-get will backfire and the girl you want will be somebody else’s before you get your  crap sorted. Enough games. More honesty. Honestly!

e)       The rest of the blokey bachelors play mind games because they are jerks. There is no way to sugar coat this. There are two types of men – the good men and the jerks who simply get off on playing mind games with women. If you’re stuck with the latter, don’t even bother with trying to understand why he’s playing mind games with you. If he’s making you work, it’s likely he’s a jerk and rather than go bezerk, stay away from where he lurks! He’s not worth your time or worth making you lose your shine.

The boy who has been messing my friend around falls into all of these categories and because of that, I think he’s small. Miniscule even. You are missing out on my friend's greatness. I can already tell she's better than you. You're a tool. Stay hidden in a shed. Days and nights have no need for you. Go gather dust somewhere dark and lonely. Dirt seems to be your destiny, your habitat and your essence.

You will not win. Refer to my old “Dear Douchebag” blog for more details on what will happen to you if you insist on your immaturity.

To the gentlemen who have taken issue with this blog….don’t! If you are in fact gentlemen…then  by next week, I’m going to need you to help me out here. I want to speak well of you. My friends do too. Show yourselves. We’re all waiting for you to paint a better picture. Your mates are doing you a HUGE disservice.

Hopeful,

Miriam (and friends). 

Loving Senselessly

I have a new trainer. He prefers to be called coach. Today, he didn’t just train me physically, he worked me mentally too. Today he was a life coach. No I’m not in love with him but we did have a very refreshing chat this morning. He’ll hate me if he ever reads this blog. Sorry in advance. I’m joking…but not really.

We were talking (briefly) about his change of values in his search for a woman as he got older. We talked politics and the purposelessly famous (enter Kim Kardashian).

I took the opportunity to boast about meeting her and said regardless of his opinion on her, her good looks were undeniable and he’d at the very least have to admit to that.

His response surprised me. “I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting to that and if ever the opportunity was presented to me, it would only be my ego that would use the chance to boast about the connection but it would never be my brain or heart that would fall for a woman like that…a woman without substance.”

I don’t respect her fame but I do think she’s incredibly clever to be capitalising on the world’s obsession of her. Putting Kim aside, I must say, I found it incredibly refreshing that a man of just 29 would think so wisely in the search for love.

Men, you get a hard wrap from me often. I know you’re not all bad in the same way you know all women aren’t neurotic, but here was the first instance in a long time that a man in front of me had described the search for love as a genuine search for a connection; beyond that which is physical. I understood it but didn’t quite believe it. Being a trainer, of course aesthetics were important!

I was reading about the difference between love and lust and it was perfectly explained like this: Love is giving and lust is taking. It was the same concept in his retrained brain.  The old trainer, said in his younger years aesthetics were everything. In his older years, personality was. Ladies – the good ones are still out there. I will give you details of where I train later. Inbox me for details ;)

I thought in writing and researching for this blog, I’d come across some sensational explanation as to why we mature or why our tastes do and share it with you. I thought that this would be the Holy Grail…that this would be the answer to why men commit. I thought I could be the love guru for a week. Instead I found an article that read:

“Aging changes in the senses”

Extra, Extra read all about it!!

Extra was exactly what the article was talking about. Extra attention needed for the senses that is.

The article outlines the perceptual changes related to age. This at first made me laugh. This was a “you look better with the lights off,” approach to love. If you’re eyesight was worsening your body was naturally forcing you to adapt and lower your visual standards. Women with age would stop wanting a man with thick hair and would have to be happy with the balding guy instead. Men were strangely foregoing the dream of bagging Miranda Kerr for the chance at love with her shorter, curvier, less attractive counterpart.

As I continued to read about the deprivation of senses, I quickly understood the demand to over stimulate those senses with a partner who satisfied the need for those sensations.

When you age, the way your senses are able to give you information about the world changes. They become less acute and according to the article, “you may have trouble distinguishing details.” Goodbye taste, smell, touch, vision and hearing. JOY!

Age as I read on was going to have a tremendous impact on our lifestyles. It was really about to stuff us around but it was also going to be our saving grace in the search for love.

With age, the amount of sensory input necessary to adequately absorb feeling, sense of smell, etc. was going to have a massive shift.

I learnt that both sight and hearing where the first to go in the aging process. If sight was to dissipate your partner’s looks were no longer important. After a few good years of marriage, you’d stop having to look at them…or rather your eyesight will prevent you from it.

If hearing were to follow, then you’d have to like the person who was yelling at you. This cancels out the Fran Drescher’s of the world. Nasal voices out. Soothing lady like ones in. It made sense then that if a man was to commit, he’d like talking to his partner above any of her other qualities because when talking wasn’t enough, yelling would take over so you better like what she has to say.

Some age-related eye changes may begin as early as your 30s. My coach must have a premature onset of this symptom.

The good news was that aging eyes produce less tears. Men, your partner’s emotions only run a few decades. If you stick it out, you won’t see them cry or hear them cry. Marital bliss.

By the time you turn 60, your pupils decrease to about one-third of the size they were when you were 20. Jury’s out on whether this means he’ll only see half of you. This would be like wearing beer goggles for life. A great thing for both parties.

The other great news for men married to women who can’t cook and for women married to less than master chefs, is that your sense of smell and taste declined with age too. This not only meant satiety of the stomach, it meant contentment with the stench that in your youth, may have bothered you.

Age sounded awful to me by the time I read through the entire article until I realized that it actually DID uncover the Holy Grail. I didn’t have the answer to why men commit but I did have a different valuable conclusion to make… it was far better to marry old because you had less to be critical of and you had fewer senses to be critical with.

Age was the secret to happiness because you couldn’t see better, because you couldn’t hear better, because even though you used to smell better, the taste of a relationship was better because your senses by then, know no better. 

Love them or leave them?

A few weeks ago a friend and I caught up. It felt like an age since we last spoke and we had much to catch up on. She shared stories of love that came, love that left and love that she thought was lost. Hers was a story of forbidden love. As archaic as it may seem, she couldn't marry a man who was beneath her in education. This wasn't her choice. She was moving interstate and her family was utterly opposed to her pairing with a man with seemingly lesser intelligence. He said he was prepared to fight for her, she wasn't so sure of her love.

She knew she'd never been made to feel as desirable as she felt with him. She knew nobody had ever shown her that compassion or that kindness but when she didn't rebel against her parents’ wishes, he disappeared, not a single battle was fought. He just left. She would wonder for now if she made the right decision but would rest securely in the fact that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.

Being religious she knew that God would never punish her for being obedient to her parents. Honouring their wishes was all she knew. That would be enough for the time being.

The thing she was missing was that if he was expecting her to fight for his love against all odds, he would have to fight for her love too. He didn't. She didn't and Jason Derulo released a song about doing it.

Both instances got me thinking at what point in a relationship does someone decide to fight for the love that exists and when do you decide that it's ok to throw in the towel?

The issue is too broad for me to cover all instances of relationships (and frankly I don’t have the brainpower to do it today), but I’m talking about the intermediate stages of dating or infatuation.

Breakups are not new news but the frequency of them these days is, so what would we make you stay? Is the short term pain for long term gain worth it or should everything come up roses before you accept a lifetime pairing with a person? I think there's only one thing you need to be sure of before you enter the battlefield; that being the potential for love between you both.

For my friend being unsure of her love was the first alarm bell that it was not worth fighting for. But what of cold feet? Honestly, I don’t think it exists.

In relationships I’ve known of and that have lasted there has never been the smallest inkling that the relationship was temporary. Neither party ever fought with the intention nor the option of leaving, neither party ever believed they couldn’t recover from an argument and none of them ever threatened it. If you are with someone for life, you don’t contemplate a life without them and when leaving is an option that you’re comfortable with (particularly in the early stages of dating), then that’s exactly the time to go.

The stories of striving and struggle for love that I’ve enjoyed and believed in most are when a man has found and fought for the woman he is taken by. When loving her was the only emotion he cared for, when losing her was unfathomable, when winning her love was the only ending contemplated and when in the end he did.

What I’ve seen in instances where he has worked for her love first is a love greater in capacity returned to the man than he imagined could ever be given to him. I know of a guy who hoped for my friend’s love for his entire youth. He never thought he could get her love. When he did, she called herself the lucky one. She had a man, who knew what he wanted, went after it and spent a lifetime grateful for having won – that was exactly what she wanted in the end too.

I know many feminists would be in a head-spin about me making women sound like a game to be won, but I actually believe that a man that knows a woman’s worth, would always fight regardless of the rejections for her heart and that is a feminist thought in itself. It is not passivity or submission, it is acknowledgement of your worth and acceptance that you are worth the battle.

We may live in an age where women share many freedoms and within those freedoms is a choice to fight for the man you love, but in my friend’s case and many of yours, I’d only ever encourage a sister to fight, if she was fought for first….

Power, Passion and Pain on Valentine's Day.

The Grammy awards were held two nights ago and a song that stands as one of the greatest ballads of this generation, won its singer, Adele the greatest gong in the music industry. After her album, ‘21’ was named album of the year she thanked a "rubbish relationship" for inspiration.  Her lyrics, laced with power, passion and pain shared in universal human experience and made her lyrics send tremors in the hearts of the torn and emotionally tarnished globally.  

I can’t write a blog about passion and pain without giving Whitney Houston a mention. Before Adele, she was the musical great whose music we all blasted, whose love we all related to, whose voice echoed in our minds and hearts and who wrote with passion, sung with power and shared her pain in a public forum. It almost appears that one cannot have extreme success without extreme pain; in life and in love..

The rawest of emotions spark the strongest of responses and the truest of feelings shared, inspire the greatest of human connections.

This is my valentine’s day musing. While many may be mourning their single status (congratulations to those who aren’t today), the rest of us should take consolation in the fact that relationships are difficult – one of life’s greatest struggles and the longevity of a relationship, is one of life’s greatest successes. You don’t want to be in one unless you’re prepared for the long-suffering nature of it.

A few weeks ago, I watched the movie that is getting rave reviews among Oscar big-wigs for its portrayal of reality, ‘The Descendants.’ As George Clooney’s character bids farewell to his dying wife, he says a few poignant words that have since, lingered in my memory.

 “Goodbye my joy, goodbye my pain, goodbye my love, goodbye my friend goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.”

Love struck me as one of the most paradoxical emotions or states of being that you could experience. You could love, but you’d have moments of hatred, you could give, when you only wanted to take and had nothing left to give. You would share, when you only wanted to be left alone. You would fight, even when you had no energy to keep going. You would stay, when it would be easier to leave, you would give your heart, even at the risk of it being broken.

That love is the rarest kind and that’s the one we singles are waiting for. It’s also what you taken people should be experiencing.

Someone like Adele felt broken. Opportunity didn’t knock so she created a door while she was waiting for her next great love. Look to the lessons you’ve learned, the realisation of your capacity to love and seek relationships or opportunities that will evaporate your bitterness and encourage your growth. She did and it paid off massively!

 Someone like Whitney let her love break her. The difference between the two icons of passion, power and pain, were that one searched for someone to complete her, when that love only depleted her and the other realised she didn't need someone to complete her, she just needed someone to accept her completely (and then wrote an award winning song about it).

This Valentine’s day, look how you can grow from the experiences that hurt you, never stop believing that love will come but know that when it does, it will rock your world (not always positively). The road won’t be easy – it will be paved with problems, but the trials will be worth it for a lifetime threaded with power and passion that somehow nullifies the pain it often causes.

Look for love to be everything but don’t feel like nothing when it doesn’t work out. Let love change you for the better and if it diminishes your spirit (like Whitney) then escape before it destroys your soul.

I’m all for commercialism and extravagant displays of love and affection, but we all should take note that in that bouquet of roses are stems full of thorns and the hard work put in to that relationship is deserving of that recognition (today and always).

This year, don’t  be jealous of people that have love, be happy that they’ve found it and be all ears to how they’ve managed to sustain it. I’ll be blasting Whitney and Adele in the meantime. I’m such a cliché.

Why I write about love...

It’s been a rough couple of weeks and when fear set in about the situation I was in, faith, family and friends stepped in to remind me that when all else failed, I had love to save me.

I’m often asked why I chose to write about love and my answer changes from time to time as I learn more about what I’m writing. My answer used to be because it is universal, because it is searched for, longed for, craved and fought for and is something that always retains its value. It’s one of the few things that we come back for even when it has hurt us because we know exactly how good it can be when it’s present and when it’s perfect.

My answer today for why I write about love is simply, because it heals.

In my weakness, I am thankful for my faith because in my insecurity, in the midst of my troubles, in the darkest and loneliest of places, it reminds me that I’m being thought of. I’m reminded that a greater being has a bigger plan and that that plan is brought into fruition as a symbol of God’s love for me. It means as much as I hate what is happening, what is happening is in my best interest, and knowledge of that love comforts and saves me.

I’m far from perfect and even further from clarity about why horrible things happen in the world and the thought is something that I struggle with often but the positive that I know and have experienced is that when life hurts, love heals and that love is seen at its peak, when I’ve been at my weakest.

The same rings true the world over. When disaster strikes, the kindness chord is struck in the hearts of many. Suddenly, the world responds as brethren and we forget ourselves for a second to think of others, to give, to help, to aid, to rebuild the lives of those who’ve had it broken (think the famine in Somalia, the earthquakes in New Zealand and Japan, the Hurricanes in New Orleans and how the world stopped to help).

I don’t know for sure that disaster strikes to stir us into action but I do know that when our worlds spiral out of control and a hand is stretched out to help us; be it from a stranger or a friend, our cores are shaken. When we know love exists, we’re moved to live better, to live longer and to live lovingly.

Faith has taught me those virtues too. It reminds me to give love as I am loved and it’s a virtue reiterated throughout the Bible. Love is a unifying virtue in all faiths because it is as old as time and is crucial to our survival.

Through faith, I’m told to hang tight when I feel like I’m losing my grip. It supports my grip by telling me that there is another hand holding me up and then it sends me family and friends as angels to protect my heart and preserve my happiness.

Love from family and friends over my whole life but particularly over the past fortnight have nursed me to health, have encouraged my growth, have inspired my positivity (and this post) and have shown me the gifts that God has sent me in this life, when life seems unkind or unjust.

Faith, family and friendship have given me love to make me the happiest when I’ve been broken, to make me the wealthiest when my spirit is poor, have made me the warmest when my heart was frozen from feeling.

Love this fortnight restored me when I didn’t care for its presence in my life. It’s something that seeks you out to save you and it surprises you when it comes in the volumes that it does.

It’s humbling too. When you are shutting the world out, love is knocking at your heart’s door. Love is infinitely poured into your life when you’re least deserving of it. It teaches you that you need it more than life itself and if you’re as lucky as I am, love will bring you back to life.

Every religion will claim to preach it.

Every person in the world will seek it.

Every broken heart craves it.

Every friend practices it.

Every family needs it. It defines my own.

Every tongue speaks it.

Every kind act shows it.

Every brain thinks of it.

Every heart feels it.

Love is at our core and no person is without it (or wants to be).

I write about love because nothing matters when you have it and everything is nothing, when you don’t.

Kung-Fu Catfights in Search of Compatibility

Over the weekend, it’s estimated that 10,000 people between the ages of 22 and 35 showed up single and ready to mingle at a matchmaking event organized by the Chinese government in Shanghai. 

With the belief that you stick to your own, a two-day event, open exclusively to Chinese nationals became the city’s largest ever love fest.

It was estimated that 6,000 tickets were sold to single ladies and if the 4000 men that bought tickets liked it,  they could heed the wise words of Beyonce and put a ring on it. The ratio of women to men was three to two, so you could imagine the Kung-Fu cat fighting that might have unfolded on the day.

Comically, around 3000 parents tagged along to the event to help filter through the germy men to each find their respective daughter’s a gentleman. Long queues of singles waited for a chance at a five minute chat with participants of the opposite sex. 

The event was organized as a reaction to the rising numbers of single women in China who waited longer to marry and refused to settle for men of lower socioeconomic status. 

It got me thinking about marrying your equal.  While at the gym this morning, my personal trainer quizzed me on my criteria for a future partner. While I wasn’t particular on profession, I knew that as I got older, I’d want to end up with an intellectual equal (or have him be intellectually superior to me). 

I needed a challenge. I needed to be mentally and emotionally stimulated and since I worked hard, I wanted someone who shared the same values and sought success through honest, hard work (like I do). 

While I’m a champion for love, I don’t think it’s always enough to sustain a relationship so I sought high intellectual and emotional intelligence, this is what I typically found in my friendship group. My besties were all dynamic women with plenty of depth and while we were all in different occupations, I respect each and every one of them as equals so I popped friendship on my list too. You need to be friends so that you’re equals so when fights unfold, you both have boxing gloves and both have protective pads – guaranteeing you fight fair and that no one is left alone in the ring. 

Friendship canceled out snobbery and if any of us were social snobs within our group, I’d say, I was probably most guilty of it. 

I do wonder if snobbery is a sensible or superficial argument however. For example, if every guy wanted to marry a mental equal, then they’d enter into increasingly competitive relationships (on the plus side affairs with secretaries might end) and a plethora of other problems might arise. If snobbery was standard among men then neither Princess Mary nor Duchess Catherine Middleton would have had a chance at marrying their loves. My girlfriends might also not be in their relationships if they had looked at their partner’s careers over their compatibility. After considering this, I confused myself and lost all direction for this blog. 

I hate fence sitting, so I did it till sitting hurt my backside and bounced off with a bit of clarity. 

 At the aforementioned Shanghai match-making event, 6000 women showed up in hope of finding the one went with the naked admission that what they had tried so far hadn’t worked. 4,000 men concurred and just like that 10,000 people had something in common. 

United in cause but not necessarily status, the quest among all of them was for compatibility. There was no formula but their was a search for chemistry. 

The equation was 1+1, the science combined biology with chemistry and failed history would inspire an exchange of language; the language of love – that would speak more profoundly than any degree could, it would work harder and sweat more than a bricklayer in forty degree heat and would lay down the foundations to make the partner their home and in the eyes of the law, their union would be recognized. Love was about bringing together many specialties to create a special tie. 

No psychic could foresee it, no singular specialty could sustain it and no level of education could inform it. Compatibility was key and every individual had the right to search for it and deserved to find it.

For love of rhyme and love of love, I wrote a poem to summarize the above:

The terms and conditions are yours to make,

Strictness and refinement are fine when your heart’s at stake,

The greatest lesson that can be learned,

Is that your love and affection should be earned,

The one that fights for your affection,

is the one worth your attention and your reflection,

While he or she may be flawed in one way or two,

Only you can decide what is perfect for you.

  

Would love to hear your thoughts on this one….