Feminist

I was reading over my year 12 major work this week.  It is about the evolution of the female role (or lack of it) from the late 19^th century to the 21^st century.  It began with a man’s voice because a woman’s world back then only existed as far as a man had allowed it to. My story ended with a man’s voice too. ..only for much of it, he was saying “yes,  dear.” The point I made through the different women living at 49 Alter Avenue (notice the pun) was that a woman’s role in the world had not evolved that much at all. We were in charge of the housework, we were the one’s responsible for raising our children and when we were finally allowed to vote and work, we got the right to work more; adding to our roles but not necessarily to our freedoms. 

I continued to read through my major work and found the Feminist Manifesto that inspired much of my work. 

The passage read: 

“Because women’s work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we’re the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it’s our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we’re nagging (something that rhymes with witches) and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos and if we don’t we’re frigid and if we love our friends it’s because we can’t get a “real” man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we’re neurotic and pushy and if we expect childcare we’re selfish and if we stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and “unfeminine” and if we don’t we’re typical weak females and if we want to get married we’re out to trap a man and if we don’t we’re unnatural and because we still can’t get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can’t cope or don’t want a pregnancy we’re made to feel guilty about abortion and…for lots of other reasons I am a feminist.”

Provocative stuff! 

This double standard reminded me of the social constructs that women create, abide by and then abhor. We’re our own worst enemies lovers of freedom but choosing entrapment, seeking independence but searching for completion in our significant others, seeking more work then constantly complaining that we’re too tired to do it. A lot of women of my generation are uncomfortable with being called a feminist.  While the bra-burning, arm-pit-hair growing, man-repelling connotations are easy to detach yourself from our fantasies exist because women fought for more than just the right to vote and your paycheck.

Paychecks are the reason that sipping Pina-Coladas on the Greek Islands, while shirtless Greek Gods wait on you, are made possible. 

We are freer than we realize, more liberated than we’ve ever been and our ambitions are supported not stunted by the men that surround us. While there’s plenty more to do, and it’s true, ‘ a woman’s work is never done,’ I’m excited that in an age where we have everything, that their could still be more. 

Sure we work plenty and get paid too little for it – but men have that complaint too. We’re no longer the first to get fired and yes, what we look like is important but nobody places more importance on it than ourselves. 

I’ll be first to put my hand up and confess to being a marketers dream. I’ll believe and buy anything that promises to bring me closer to looking like Cindy Crawford (now or in her heyday). 

While rape and abuse do exist we have people fighting against it and women can become advocates for that change (Unifem, Australian Women's Health Network, Country Women's Association of Australia, Immigrant Women's Speakout Association, National Women's Justice Coalition, Women's Rights Action Network Australia, among so many others).

 

 I’m a journalist so being a nagging (something that rhymes with witch) is commended and encouraged; relabeled tenacious and persistent and we’re allowed to be nymphos (think Samantha in Sex and The City)….we’re also allowed to be frigid and to some that’s still revered (everyone loves a lady…in the street). Sure if we love our friends, we can be labeled lesbians (think Oprah and Gayle King) but when you’re Oprah Winfrey, who cares what people call you? Be “unfeminine,” be aggressive, be weak, be single, be whatever you like, but above all, be a feminist, because it gives you the choice to be any of those options and more.  

Boys will be boys

Every girl knows too-creepy-too-forward-guy who doesn't know the difference between flirting and gross disrespect… or pretends not to know for his delight.
 
There was one colleague I once had who brazenly asked another colleague's mother if his workmate (her son) had been circumcised...and he's straight! Why he'd need that information is beyond me.

Friendly or inappropriate?

 I don’t know what dinner table topics he was taught were acceptable but most of us didn't have a Meet the Fockers’ type upbringing. He laughs about that night now but I don’t think he ever learnt his lesson.
 
And we shouldn't be surprised.

Clichés exist because they are repeatedly used. So history tells us that, ‘boys will be boys,’ ‘old habits die hard,’ and that ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,’ which after this week, I’m pretty sure is talking about men and their inherent inability to learn, to
change or to be bettered. I can’t be mad if it’s just in their genetic makeup.  
 
Knowing this should have dictated my actions last week when I honestly approached a boy who I thought was a man about the inappropriateness of his conversation with me. I wasn't China imposing censorship laws against his every word, I was a decent girl speaking to a friend who I thought respected me enough to accept my opinion and was man enough to appreciate my honesty. Despite his intelligence, a mutual appreciation for each other's conversation and an acknowledgement that we enjoyed the challenge that each brought to the friendship, his ego couldn't handle a simple request from me not to be spoken to discourteously. Was this for a love of vulgarity or was he simply too proud to accept that on this one occasion he might have been wrong?

If the situation was reversed, a woman would phone the person, apologise profusely for the indiscretion and vow never to do that wrong thing again. I would at least… but men and their ego’s are no new thing.
 
This week, a man we have loved to hate over the course of the Amazing Race, Chris Pselletes fronted the crowds that hate him in a live interview. Pselletes was labelled an "abusive, hot-headed misogynist." Appearing contrite in a Daily Telegraph interview, he said he was ‘disgusted’ with himself and would work on earning the high opinion of the people around him to prove that he was respectful. (You can read about it here http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/confidential/racers-shame-over-treatment-of-partner/story-e6frf96x-1226073590038 ).  He has a colossal task on his hands.

Although I know I wouldn’t be with a man that spoke to me like that, and Australia thinks his girlfriend Anastasia should take the Amazing Race out of that relationship, at least he grasped the concept that  respect was something earned, not established.
 
My friendship was platonic so neither of us had to fight it out, but this intolerance of being shown up struck me as typically male and I was curious as to why things turned sour when there was a threat to a man’s power?
 
An ‘inferiority complex’ is what most psychologists put this erratic behaviour down to. In 1912, a psychologist by the name of Alfred Alder wrote a book titled The Neurotic Character. His research in this book founded a popular area of psychology known as the inferiority complex which is a term used to describe a sense of inferiority an individual feels about oneself towards other people. It revolves around social status, power, ego, and dominance. You will have an inferiority complex when you feel inferior and think that other people are better than you.

Aha!…Light at the end of the tunnel…Chris yelled because he was unworthy of Anastasia’s forgiveness or partnership on the show and in life. He reacted angrily as a way to assert to himself that he was in control, and in his rage, spiraled out of control instead. Anastasia tolerated the anger, perhaps out of pity, perhaps out of love. Definitely, because she was better than him.

Although I was upset about a strangely sour end to a friendship, I’m not going to fight for someone who refuses to respect me. However, I will delight in the fact that he responded so illogically because he thinks I’m better than him….then proved I was.

Weiner and Woods get women wondering about love.

This week, Congressman Anthony Weiner’s private life was exposed because his private parts were exposed to women other than his wife. The Weiner’s and the Wood’s (Tiger that is) have something in common, where balls are involved, games will be played and the first ladies are put second to the lustful sport of adultery where little men in powerful positions gamble love for garbage.

It’s no wonder women are constantly losing faith in the male species. I almost did this week until scrolling through my twitter feed. A subscriber of all things loving and romantic, one person I followed tweeted ‘don’t say there are no good men left, say I go to all the same places expecting for the scenery to change and to meet new people,” (I’ve paraphrased but that was more or less the point…and WHAT A POINT IT WAS).  Here I was wondering where Mr.Right was when I was hanging out on Dormant Drive – there would be no volcanic, earth shattering romance here – I had little option but to keep walking, keep searching…anywhere but here.

Then a funny thing happened….Mr.Right-Now came knocking at my door. Now I can say with certainty that he is not right for me, but he is present in my life, this minute. He came…also on Twitter (and yes, it is fall of twats) with another perspective on what it would take for me to give him my heart. He said, ‘an intelligent man opens your mind, a handsome man opens your eyes and a gentleman opens your heart.” How nice I thought. I want a combination of all three.

While he claimed gentility, his words when not attempting to court me suggested otherwise and as I questionned his inability to maintain the myth he'd portrayed, alas, an answer came through Lara Bingle. Also trending on Twitter, she said, ‘women fall in love with what they hear and men fall in love with what they see…that’s why men lie and women wear make-up.” Who knew Bingle could speak with such profundity? Experience educated her – her beauty reeled Cricket Captain Michael Clarke in to love but her scandalous photos and foul play made what was visible less desirable and so Clarke’s sweet-nothings ceased to be whispered, making Bingle single.  

Some couples are able to weather any storm though with Weiner’s wife pregnant in her first trimester, she has (as far as we’ve read) promised to stand by her man, seeking guidance from none other than Hilary Clinton on how to wipe the slate clean. I guess the lesson from Hilary for women is, when your man doesn’t know how to conduct himself in public, keep him private… and then wear his pants.

Edmund Burke (not on Twitter) said “the greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.” These men, clearly unable to prove worthy of their power and abusing it when they have it, need women like Clinton and Beyonce to ‘run the world’ to keep them from misbehaving. Clinton wears the pants and Beyonce doesn’t wear any – perhaps finding a happy medium between the two is the secret to good governance of MANkind.

Crazy little thing called love.

Your palms are sweaty, you fix your hair, apply your lipstick and stick your boobs out a little (it’s no secret that boys like them… and you know it). Game on! If you’re male, you stand a little taller, act more obnoxiously, flex a little, and talk louder but deeper making that voice of yours a weapon of mass seduction as your vocal chords strum a few sweet nothings on the heart strings of your crush. It sounds ridiculous but those attracted to another dabble in the ridiculous to experience the sublime.

After getting in contact with a long lost friend and having a great chat on the crushes we’ve had over the past ten years, we quickly got on to the stupid things that we have done to attract the opposite sex. My friend (much braver than I…than most actually) dived head first into a dumpster to help find her crush’s lost possessions. He was too afraid to go in there himself so she chivalrously dispensed all of her inhibitions and gambled hygiene for love – somehow, believing the act would overpower the smell when she emerged from the bin for him. It’s one of the greatest stories I’ve ever heard. She didn’t get the boy (bad smells will do that to a person – but she also no longer wants him).

It got me thinking, what if there were full proof plans we could follow to ensure the affection of the one we have eyes for? I found answers in the animal kingdom (please note they are not necessarily full(or fool)proof).

There are many varieties in which animals compete with each other to attract a mate. Some animals attract through pheromones. This is disgusting! By producing a hormonal scent, females respond to this and are able to track the male. In the human world, those scents are usually kept secret till a couple is locked in love and less repulsed by the odours a man will emit. Women of course, never pass wind in case you were wondering.

We humans do, do a similar thing (I think more for us than for the opposite sex, by drowning ourselves in cologne or perfume). It is this animalistic notion of courtship however that has inspired advertising campaigns like the lynx effect. The men in these ads only require a simple spray that tickles and delights the senses of alpha females everywhere.

Colour display is another dating strategy for fish and our cousins,’ the chimpanzees. The colour change is used to illustrate an animal’s 'availability'. We imitate these primates by changing an outfit, dying our hair, applying make-up or pulling out our most alluringly coloured dresses to grab the attention of the men we’ve set our sights on. Men I believe, also work in colours, but internally. When their light is switched on red, they are occupied, taken and unavailable to your green light signals. When they are unhappy in relationships, tied up with work, committed to other things and not people, their yellow light comes on – it indicates that you can enter with caution. This light preemptively warns you that his situation is a changing one and as a woman you may enter but only at your own peril knowing that he may soon become unavailable or free up again for you and finally there is a green light that allows traffic to freely flow in to his life. A man with his green light on is the one you want to look out for…he’s the committed type, ready to date but also, just like a traffic light capable of putting dating to a stop and coming to a standstill with you.

I’ll happily admit to having done many a thing for attention and for love, I’ve written love letters, poems, made books, sung and have even done the neurotic sticking of post-its on cars, some have scored me brownie points, all are appreciated but not all have been reciprocated.

A big fan of grand gestures, I’m thankful for the insanity that overcomes us when we allow ourselves to become stupefied by love. It makes the crazy excusable and to that special someone, even adorable. Enter “The Notebook” and the famous “Say I’m a bird”…“Now say you’re a bird” line.

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird,” the charming Ryan Gosling says in the movie.

Katie Melua labeled love “the closest thing to crazy (she) had ever been,” but she like most women wouldn’t have it any other way as she concluded ‘now I know that their’s a link between the two…being close to craziness, and being close to you.”  

I’d never ask for an end to the games, because amidst the craziness and the crush induced courtship, you meet a person that loves the way you smell, never asks you to change your colours but loves you with every change. If you’re a bird, he’s a bird and he’ll fly you to the moon and back.

Honesty (a lonely word)

Arnold Schwarzenegger said the two best things in life are “pumping and humping” and those two things  ultimately led to Maria Shriver dumping the womanizer after he admitted to having fathered a lust-child ten years ago to one of the women that cleaned their house (and there are rumours his humping was not limited to the hired help). 

Shriver, an award winning journalist, part of the Kennedy lineage and mother of his four children, sacrificed her career to spend her life as Arnie’s trophy wife, but at the end of their 25 year marriage, their were no medals for her sacrifice. 

We are yet to see this story unfold and cannot foretell if it will evolve into a Tiger Wood’s type scandal ….it’s the wood that seems to keep getting these men into trouble. What this repeatedly reveals is the dispensation of a core quality in relationships; honesty. 

If Arnold had been honest about wanting more loving, I’m pretty sure he’s devoted wife would have given it. If he was honest at the time he cheated, he may have been deterred from repeating the cheating, if he had been honest, his marriage may still be in tact.

This comes as more friends than usual, are dealing with issues of honesty in their relationships. One friend is seeing someone who after months of dating refuses to give their ‘seeing-each-other” a definition. 

We are women, therefore we think. 

It is never sufficient for us to have men see us through relationships, have us form attachments and then have them decide one morning that they have used our goods to their satiety, later venturing on to the next bright, young, shiny thing. Men claim that if women were more honest, there would be fewer problems; I agree.

However, if women were always honest, a lot of men would be very quickly scared away at the idea of us wanting commitment, while they want play. If honesty was always at play, men would be restricted in their freedoms and their friendships. They would be subjected to a lot more control than they are willing to accept, and most women would happily harp on about their problems with the men they are seeing that the relationship would be over before it existed. It’s a painful truth, that men too have to be ready to accept.

As my friend sought my advice on what she should do, she asked, should she seek out a definition from the boy she is seeing or should she let it come from him? I am always very conflicted when it comes to what women should do in a relationship. My traditional self tells me to allow the man to do the courting, while my 21^st century self screams ‘female liberation’ and the freedom to find your own fortune. In this situation I figure, if you have been dating for five months, you are exclusive and he is yet to call you his girlfriend, this boy is probably playing you or tongue-tied. Either way, he needs a little less action and a lot more talking, as dreaded as it may be. It’s difficult to call this boy, everyman but it does beg the question, why are some men ready to settle earlier than others? In comes that word again.  Honesty!

If both had articulated their agendas at the start of the relationship, neither would be in this conundrum. Unable to turn back the hands of time, honesty here will either offer security in the relationship they have or shut my friend out of the love shack. Both,to me, are good outcomes because at least then there is no more guess work. 

This has been the stuff of countless breakups. When sweet-talk does not suffice. Honesty steps in; calling for accountability, their is no dancing around answers,  love is the hoped outcome but  an honest answer, has sometimes painfully (but for the better) proved not to be. When it isn't, the relationship isn't either, but the truth, sets both free.

One of my favourite songs, originally by Billy Joel but beautifully covered by Beyonce, is called “Honesty.” The lyrics sing of love, of flattery and of little white lies being easy to find but the song shares a poignant truth; that honesty is often accompanied by loneliness because of its evaporation from society, and people’s inability to digest harsh truths.

Honesty it says, is hardly ever heard, but is what the world needs most. Agreed. 

For the end of questions, for the start of clarity, for deeper understanding of the people that surround you, the simplest answer exists in honesty. Honestly.

Superficial standards stifling relationships.

I’m not telling people not to have standards (that’s essential to contentment with your future groom or bride to be) but are people’s expectations of their future partners becoming ridiculously unattainable?

I have a few friends at the moment with relationship troubles because for one reason or many, a friend or their partner, was expecting too much of their other half.

One fool with no vision beyond his biceps left a fabulous friend of mine because she wouldn’t ice-skate, but she had reason to refuse… she was never taught how. Ice-skating to me, would not make or break a relationship. One does not master marriage on skates. Ice-skates were not going to help her clean, be a better cook or a better lover. This gutless wonder, found flaws in one of the most beautiful people I know, not because she was flawed but in fact because he was looking to pair up with Tour-Guide Barbie which might be fair if he was Ken, but this boy is more akin to Humphrey Bear (in appearance not love). Seeing my friend so broken over a flawed person who pointed to her insecurities to justify his commitment-phobia was heartbreaking. This was a man that was all brawn and no brain because any smart forward thinking man would have done his utmost to keep her…come to think of it, he may have been lacking in another department too. 

The devastating thing is this is not the first time I’ve seen it happen. I’ve had friends in long-term relationships who have become train-wrecks after their romantic carriage ride down lovers lane came to a screeching halt when one partner failed to commit to someone they knew they loved because they believed there was better out there.

That polygamist ideology is spurred on by articles like this one from Sam in the City in SMH that claim that believing in “the one” when there’s so much choice out there is unfathomable in the 21^st century (http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/blogs/ask-sam/can-you-be-with-one-person-for-the-rest-of-your-life-20110511-1eifd.html).

Opinions like this, show a great loss of a necessary value. If love is what guarantees happiness, why are people treating it like a disposal commodity? Does an abundance of people create the illusion of choice? Are we so fickle that the sight of an attractive person who we aren’t with, makes us question the value of the person we are blessed to have?

When I think of it in terms of friendship, an end is never a foreseeable option to a disagreement. We may meet many people throughout our life’s journey but we always hold nearest and dearest those friends that have seen us through every triumph, tribulation and tooth loss from adolescence to adulthood. Why then, when we find love is it so easy to part ways with someone we’d hoped for a future with?

This week I was shocked to learn that Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger are separated after 25 years of marriage. The terminator and Shriver terminated a love that spanned years, career changes, hairdos and eighties fashion (if you survived the latter you’d think you could get through anything). Of course nobody ever knows the intimate details of their friend’s relationships unless they’ve divulged every detail to you, but from what I have seen and heard, I’m disappointed in the fact that nobody wants to fight for what is meaningful anymore.

For many of us, our parent’s generation got to know each other very quickly and within that time decided that that person would be the one they shared their life with. It was not the fairytale that many of us dream of, it was better. It was that deeply connected, self-sacrificing, faithful, serving, unconditional love that swore and stayed committed till death do them part because love, marriage, their word and honouring a promise were values far more important than a candlelit dinner and a few lust-induced butterflies.

When they promised to love, they also promised to fight because the relationship would always be a bond they’d never dare break. They treated marriage like it was something they could never get out of because it was a choice they made and they accepted that true love was hard work. So they kept on working.

I don’t think that standards were sacrificed back in the day. I think it’s more that they favoured quality over quantity and perhaps that was the secret. They didn’t look at small flaws, they worked together to right each other’s wrongs and it didn’t matter if one could skate or not because they’d guide each other through it (or do an awesome lift where the non-skater didn’t have to touch the ground).

The secret to finding true love was not about butterflies, boobs and Barbies, it was about finding someone you’d rather fight with for the rest of your life than leave and be superficially dating anyone else.

The Ex Files

An anonymous reader of this blog asked me this week what are the rules when it comes to befriending your friend’s ex.  

The reader asked “when a friend breaks up with their long term relationship and you’ve made friends with the other party, as a friend do you have a responsibility to end the friendship with their ex? Is the proper etiquette to at least offer to do so? And finally, does it depend on the terms of the break up?

The reader was happy to have me blog on the topic as it’s an issue that is commonly faced by everyone at some point in time. I tried as best as I could to outline the rules according to dating, in the Ex files.

My first question, was for you to consider how close you are to both parties? If the obvious answer is your friend, then it’s a no-brainer but if the relationship has spanned years, the lines of who is friends with who may be blurred, so we move on to the other common factors.

Ultimately, and it's a sad truth in most friendship circles, a friendship with a person of the opposite gender  will dissipate or will at least be less intimate, when the male or female gets into a relationship, so if you are to pursue friendship with your mate’s ex, ask yourself is it worth losing your friend over a friendship that is likely to be over in a few years? This assumes that you have befriended your friends ex purely platonically. The other option is a whole other blog.

The other thing worth considering, is if your friend would do the same for you in return? Has he/she done so, so far? I know that friendship is not eye for eye, tooth for tooth but if you are not naturally receiving what you are giving (without keeping tab) then the quality of your friendship is probably questionable anyway.

I have some very loyal friends who I know would stick by me and have when I discover I have made the wrong decision in liking a guy. Their hatred for the boy stems out of loyalty to me and an intense hatred of seeing me upset. I’ve never requested that they hate whomever hurts me but they’re reaction is instinctive and stems out of loyalty. This reaction of course, is only warranted when a break-up or the end of a more-than-friends-friendship has resulted in my hurt. The same applies for you…if you’re friendship is hurt from an immediately unforgivable act that an ex committed towards them, then you’ll usually find you’re pretty mad at them too for putting your friend in that state. If the break up was peaceful, a different set of rules apply again.

If it was amicable then they are both good people that deserve happiness elsewhere. No hard feelings, but maybe no more feelings (period) is a good idea?

You’re friend may even push for your friendship with the girl to continue. Two sides to that argument are that if your friend wants to look like they don’t care anymore (peace/love/harmony approach) then he or she will encourage you to keep talking to their ex so it looks like he or she is over it. I do think there is always subtext in that. I've seen it done before, where friends go ahead and befriend another friend’s ex to show that their newly single friend is above the pettiness. The danger there is that when friendships develop, they get a little annoyed at their misplaced loyalty because they were there first and therefore should have priority. Will your mate have the same reaction?

 Always ask if your friend minds most good people are inclined to say forgive, forget (in good time) and go ahead and talk to her/him, but at least you'll cover your back if you've got the ok first. 

The option is yours and there is no infallible guideline for every breakup because as we know every relationship is different. I can’t definitively tell anyone what to do but personally, I'd limit my contact to what is peaceful without a close friendship. What makes men gentlemen is that a gentleman is always doing what is kind. It's kinder to be nice to all, but more valuable to be exceptionally loyal to some.

As someone on the receiving end, I've also known how hurtful it can be when an entire group of people stop talking to you because a boy has decided to cut ties. What I learnt from the experience is that most girls and boys won't wait for your friendship but if you're friendly, the ex will appreciate any positive acknowledgement more than a complete disregard of their existence. That’s just rude.

So my advice? Be kind. Be friendly. Be polite, but you have to be selective with your loyalty if the friendship is valuable to you.