The Ex Files

An anonymous reader of this blog asked me this week what are the rules when it comes to befriending your friend’s ex.  

The reader asked “when a friend breaks up with their long term relationship and you’ve made friends with the other party, as a friend do you have a responsibility to end the friendship with their ex? Is the proper etiquette to at least offer to do so? And finally, does it depend on the terms of the break up?

The reader was happy to have me blog on the topic as it’s an issue that is commonly faced by everyone at some point in time. I tried as best as I could to outline the rules according to dating, in the Ex files.

My first question, was for you to consider how close you are to both parties? If the obvious answer is your friend, then it’s a no-brainer but if the relationship has spanned years, the lines of who is friends with who may be blurred, so we move on to the other common factors.

Ultimately, and it's a sad truth in most friendship circles, a friendship with a person of the opposite gender  will dissipate or will at least be less intimate, when the male or female gets into a relationship, so if you are to pursue friendship with your mate’s ex, ask yourself is it worth losing your friend over a friendship that is likely to be over in a few years? This assumes that you have befriended your friends ex purely platonically. The other option is a whole other blog.

The other thing worth considering, is if your friend would do the same for you in return? Has he/she done so, so far? I know that friendship is not eye for eye, tooth for tooth but if you are not naturally receiving what you are giving (without keeping tab) then the quality of your friendship is probably questionable anyway.

I have some very loyal friends who I know would stick by me and have when I discover I have made the wrong decision in liking a guy. Their hatred for the boy stems out of loyalty to me and an intense hatred of seeing me upset. I’ve never requested that they hate whomever hurts me but they’re reaction is instinctive and stems out of loyalty. This reaction of course, is only warranted when a break-up or the end of a more-than-friends-friendship has resulted in my hurt. The same applies for you…if you’re friendship is hurt from an immediately unforgivable act that an ex committed towards them, then you’ll usually find you’re pretty mad at them too for putting your friend in that state. If the break up was peaceful, a different set of rules apply again.

If it was amicable then they are both good people that deserve happiness elsewhere. No hard feelings, but maybe no more feelings (period) is a good idea?

You’re friend may even push for your friendship with the girl to continue. Two sides to that argument are that if your friend wants to look like they don’t care anymore (peace/love/harmony approach) then he or she will encourage you to keep talking to their ex so it looks like he or she is over it. I do think there is always subtext in that. I've seen it done before, where friends go ahead and befriend another friend’s ex to show that their newly single friend is above the pettiness. The danger there is that when friendships develop, they get a little annoyed at their misplaced loyalty because they were there first and therefore should have priority. Will your mate have the same reaction?

 Always ask if your friend minds most good people are inclined to say forgive, forget (in good time) and go ahead and talk to her/him, but at least you'll cover your back if you've got the ok first. 

The option is yours and there is no infallible guideline for every breakup because as we know every relationship is different. I can’t definitively tell anyone what to do but personally, I'd limit my contact to what is peaceful without a close friendship. What makes men gentlemen is that a gentleman is always doing what is kind. It's kinder to be nice to all, but more valuable to be exceptionally loyal to some.

As someone on the receiving end, I've also known how hurtful it can be when an entire group of people stop talking to you because a boy has decided to cut ties. What I learnt from the experience is that most girls and boys won't wait for your friendship but if you're friendly, the ex will appreciate any positive acknowledgement more than a complete disregard of their existence. That’s just rude.

So my advice? Be kind. Be friendly. Be polite, but you have to be selective with your loyalty if the friendship is valuable to you.