That Thing You Do....

I know I’ve created a bit of a reputation for myself as a man-hater. I know because the men that read this have told me so. I'm here to set the record straight....that couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re only going to speak so passionately about something if you genuinely care for it. That ‘it’ for me, is the entire male race. You have me in a headspin most days. I’m frustrated with you for at least three quarters of the year, but I’m simultaneously besotted with you. I think you're fabulous and I love how happy you've made my friends and family. You've even tugged at my heartstrings here and there. 

Although it’s loads of fun to man-bash, this week’s blog is about celebrating the goodness of the men in our lives (and it's not even father's day.... how cute is that).

The good thing about being single is that this means I can draw inspiration from all the men in my life to list the reasons why we love them...and they are many.

1.     The first and the simplest of assets are their good looks.

…. Seriously, I could look at them all day.

Ryan Gosling you look dapper in a suit. Man oh man at a man in a suit (another star quality).

They don't just look good in suits - they also look fabulous when fit and shirtless. Thank you David Gandy and thank you Dolce & Gabbana. 

They can have talent and be good looking AND be in a suit all at once. I'm looking at you Chris Hemsworth ( Still pains me that I missed meeting him at the office today). 

They don't even need to wear suits if they have scrubs (Patrick Dempsey)... however if they scrap scrubs for a bow tie - they will right every wrong in your life. 

If you are lucky and lost on an island - this is what you'd get to look at and love. Thank you Matthew Fox

Tough pick ladies. 

My pleasure. Thank me later.

2.    I'm not completely superficial however. I do recognise that they have capacity for many other great things. They fix things. From the surgeons to the sparkies - We love ya! However, when I googled hot electrician or hot surgeon (I couldn't find a single one that wasn't famous).  

3.     They’re protective. Few people will feel as indignant about you being cheated, hurt, lied to or taken advantage of but the men in your life will be just as cranky and will always offer to fight for your honour. They are honourable. 

4.     They’re great sportsmen and great to play with. They will encourage you. They will push you beyond your limitations. They will play to your strengths and they will inspire you to aspire to greatness. They also still look amazing mid-workout and covered in sweat. I'm so into sports....

see-! I'm pretty sure Cristiano is praying to meet me in this photo. 

5.     They give you this cute little wink that says you’ll be ok when you’re looking for your cheer squad. That wink is always enough. 

6.     They’re great listeners (warning this is a rare quality. A good listener exists in 1 in every 500 men *statistics in this blog are guesstimates). 

7.     They say exactly the right thing when you need to hear it most. It won't be sugar-coated. It won't be flowery. It will be the truth and it will mean everything when you hear it.

8.     They won’t bother arguing about menial things (that waits till after marriage). 

9.     They won’t hold grudges (that waits till after marriage too). .

10. They love a good chat and a good gossip just as much as we do (this is eternal).

11. The funny ones are side splittingly funny. These ones are unfailingly the best company.  

12. They’re spontaneous

13. They’re adventurous

14. They try new things and as they plan their future, they envision you in those plans.

15. Their smile fuels yours.

16. Just a few kind words are enough to sustain you for days.

17. They are wonderfully selfless when in love.

18. The good ones will supersede your every expectation.

19. They’re in awe of your goodness.

20. They recognise all of your good qualities.

21. They support your dreams

22. They help you achieve them.

23. They never stop encouraging you

24. They better you just by having them in your life.

Yep. Love them.

Easy one to work out this week and blissful to write. Thanks boys. Thanks men. Thanks Google. 

Love Tapestry

I’ve been surrounded by a lot of positivity recently... so much so that I think it would be beneficial to the world to have two of me, just to share the joy. Humility has never been my strength.

As positivity enters my life, amazing things keep happening. Some call it manifesting my reality by putting what I want out there, but being a believer in God, I think you do your bit, giving it all you have, and the rest is left to the big man upstairs to sort out and bring into fruition if it’s right for your life.

The reason I have doubts of ourselves as demi-Gods and as the sole makers of our own destiny is that I don’t believe someone like Kerrie-Anne Kennerley wished Cancer on herself this week – her determination might get her through the battle but being the healthiest she’s ever been, she certainly wasn’t asking for ill-health.

Some things are left to God – you can call it the universe or Mother Nature if you’re that way inclined. Love is one of those things that are left to the forces that are greater than us. Once we have it we work to keep it, but it's journey to us, doesn't always have something to do with how we brought it about. While everything you do should be done on purpose, everything that happens to us, isn't always our doing. That's a bit too much responsibility to bear. 

While we’re all deserving of love, we all receive it at different times and often when I survey those who have found it, there is a deep appreciation for true love coming when they needed it most. It came when they had experienced heartache and needed someone to help them heal, when they’d found completion in themselves and as a result were able to completely love someone back without being too needy, or when life had slowed down so they could finally give enough of themselves to sustain the relationships that they might have previously jeopardised or not prioritised.

My friend and I were discussing creative ideas and thought, imagine everyone had been given the time, date and name of the person who they would fall in love with? This is the desire of many single girls – the old, “I don’t care about being single but if I could just be told the day I was going to meet him, I could call off the search.” Guilty.  It’s a bit tragic and it got us thinking, if you actually had an answer, if you had that secret revealed to you, would you actually show up or would the idea of forever freak you out from arriving to your fate? Imagine your horror when you had dreamt up Ryan Gosling and you’re faced with Zach Galifianakis (without knowing how funny he is)?  What if Zach was your fate and you were perfectly suited to each other but you’d spent your youth fixated on the wrong person then missed out on your happily ever after? We already know that we miss 100% of the shots we don’t take. Would you take that shot and give yourself the chance to love the underdog?

Continuing in this vain, I thought what if you weren’t given a time or date but that in dreaming him up you could manifest your relationship reality? What would that include? Would you do whatever it took to reach him or her? 

I read an article about this today that detailed the many reasons why we need to reassess our priorities.  This personal review would start with a vision board and end (ideally) with a relationship.  The board is supposed to feature images of you with your crush/partner but the focus is not so much on the person as it is about the qualities that you admire.

The vision board acts as a remedy to your bad choices thus far. If you keep attracting the wrong type, if you fall into the same toxic patterns of dating those who are ill-suited to you, if you want a friend to turn lover, you are hoping to settle down with ‘the one’ or you just want to improve the relationship you already have, then a vision board is for you.

I will admit I’m sceptical but I’d hate to miss an opportunity because my mind was closed to an idea.

 Frank Zappa said “ a mind is like a parachute; it only works if it’s open,” so with an open mind, this image is the start of  my vision board (yes, it features Ryan Gosling and yes, this may be why I’m sceptical about it happening). Also Ryan Gosling would say, "you and I" at the end of that quote rather than "you and me." Good grammar is important and is also on the wish list.

Thomas Eddison said “opportunity is missed by most people because it’s dressed in overalls and looks like work,” – who would you love to spend your love life working for and with?   What would your vision board include and if he had all the things you were hoping for, would you be brave enough to show up on the day you knew he was coming? 

Not Your Mother's Rules.

A while ago another relationship blogger; Vanessa Taylor, introduced me to “The Rules.” I’ve become an avid subscriber to her musings – her blog is more about celebrity relationships – but I think love speaks a universal language. It doesn’t matter if you're black, white, rich, poor, on the cover of Forbes or sweeping floors, we all want it and we’re all puzzled in the quest for it. Most of us have enough going on in our lives to not have to worry about what the celebs do in their love lives though – like Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth getting engaged ( she is looking amazing these days and locking her down in her prime probably has something to do with the proposal)….but what about the rest of us?

I’m guessing she’s a “Rules” girl – because she now has a ring on her finger and I’m told the plan is a full-proof one.  

“The Rules” were written by Ellen Fein and Sherie Schnieder and enacted by women around the world – not just your desperate, dateless know-nothings either. Beyonce calls it her favourite book (and she has Jay-Z), Oprah swears by it (and she has Steadman) and Kate Middleton played by the rules and we all know how that ended up. 

Seventeen years ago when “The Rules” were released, the dating world was shaken by a book that pushed the "treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen" philosophy – especially after many were still enjoying the perks of the sexual revolution. It wasn’t going to be easy, but the end result was going to be worth it.  

Women everywhere gave ear to their 35 fool-proof rules to snagging Mr. Right. This is the general gist of what the book contained:

-  Don't stare at men or talk too much

-  Don't talk to a man first

-  Don't call him and rarely return his calls

-  Always end phone calls first

-  Don't go Dutch on a date

 All those rules still very much apply and I feel like I’ve been practicing this stuff from the womb (to no avail) and maybe that’s because nothing has been written that is applicable to all the other loopholes in love that exist with today’s technologies.

Alas, Fein and Schneider have heard our cries. Earlier this year, the women announced that they were working on an updated version of the guide for the sexting/texting/tweeting/poking world, called “Not Your Mother's Rules.”

Is that a squawk of excitement I hear?

…just keep your pants on for now. As old as love is, the lessons for attaining it are also.

The biggest takeaway lesson from the New Rules is that you can cry 21st century all you like but the Rules stay the same. You can’t teach old dogs new tricks but you can play games…dogs like games…and so do men unfortunately.

I’m often incited by my male friends to remain an object of mystery (but for a guy to want to know less about me in order to find me desirable is kind of insulting). However, “The Rules” preach the same thing.

Men are still expected to eat out of the palms of our hands but you need them to come begging of their own accord. They’ll come when they want to. They’ll come when they need to.  At ease lady (if they like you, your work is done).

They make no exceptions to the rule that men should always initiate contact (this I agree with – though I have whimsically broken this rule many times).

Fein and Schneider in a recent interview on JDate said, “No exceptions. A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy's profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move. If you have something exceptional in common, he has to notice that, and contact you first.”

Women this is your clue and gents this is your queue.

 The authors also advise women to "wait as long as you can before having sex".

That means a lot of talking time. Odd when they’ve told women “not to talk too much.” My only question for them is,  if you can’t talk and you can’t play…what on earth do you do on dates?

Not Your Mother’s Rules is out next year, so you can break all the rules until then then there’s no excuse – you’ll have a manual…and hopefully a man by then too.

The curse of comparison

 
I want to look like Sofia Vergara with a bit more tone..or Adriana Lima (no adjustments necessary). That’s getting a little picky but as I trim down, her body and Adriana's face are always in sight. I think a bit of comparison in order to keep goals in check is healthy but the delusion that once I’m thin, I’ll look like either of them is toxic…and a little bit insane.

I can’t be so narcissistic that as a kitten, I’m looking into a mirror and seeing a lioness. Not in this jungle. Not in this lifetime.

You all have a body dream (Sofia Vergara/Adriana Lima). A person whose intelligence you wish you had (Mark Zuckerberg), a person whose outreach you wish you could attain (Oprah) and let’s face it, you can imitate but you can rarely duplicate so your pursuit of happiness is complete when acceptance with your difference begins.

We've all fallen into the curse of comparison more than once but recently I’ve noticed the curse outstretching its shifty hands and hovering over people’s happy places and I'm kindly requesting it to stop.

The place I’ve learnt to conquer the crazy in me has been through Crossfit (I highly recommend it to any woman or man who wants the fact that they can kick arse asserted to them on a daily basis).

Crossfit is a high intensity workout that reels you in because of the gladiators that do it and keeps you there because of the community that is created through shared struggle. I began the workout a little intimidated by the super-human strength that some of the women around me displayed on a daily basis. I had two options, be envious or work from the bottom up. I chose the latter and because of it am reaching the former and have found my mojo in the process.

Without comparison we would have few goals but the finesse in doing so is in comparing without envy. Over the period that I’ve been training, I’ve reveled in seeing the people around me come into their own, seeing one of my besties mould the bedonkey-donk butt she’s been dreaming of. You know who you are and the change is inspiring.  Not all of us would see it this way and (if we do we certainly fail some of the times). I do still fall into the trappings of wishing I had X’s abs, Y’s butt, Z’s arms but I take an active stance and quickly realize that a better me is enough to keep me content…without wanting another person’s anything.

Women are their own worst enemies. They have a trillion fabulous qualities but they will look to the flaws of the women around them to satisfy their insecurities and assert their superiority. It has to stop for a sisterhood to be possible.

I think today, we’re going through a narcissistic renaissance where the world’s population is entirely consumed by it’s self and it’s image. The acquisitive, self-seeking and in my view, ugly manifestation of that want to be perfect, breeds an evil, egotistic and deeply insecure alter-ego. Ladies, you want to get rid of her instead of lugging her around and having her diminish your sense of self.

That beautiful woman you’re staring at has an abusive father, that girl that’s thinner than you has an eating disorder, that woman with the beautiful smile has steely eyes from the heartbreak she’s experienced. That wealthy woman is devastatingly lonely. That woman with three children, struggled for ten years to have them. That woman with great hair, is in remission from Cancer.

Every quality we admire has been established through struggle.

Nothing comes from nothing so every gift you’ve been given is worth backing.

Back yourself, is of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

The other valuable lesson is kindness. Mark Twain said kindness was the only thing that the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Kindness and confidence are the most beautiful accessories a person can carry.

If you’re kind to yourself and kind to others, comparison will bring a kinder you and confidence in your character will be enough to satisfy you. Your satisfaction with yourself is what everyone else is searching for.

What we say and what we mean.

I didn't write this but found it hilarious and thought I should share it. Enjoy! X

To the greatest mother of all.

She's been there through everything. She wiped you up after your first poop and has been elbow deep in your crap from the day she had you and she's done it all for your entire life with a smile on her face.

A mother's selflessness is unparalleled to any other person you'll ever cross paths with. They sacrifice their time, looks, wardrobes, incomes, health, fitness, feelings all to see you smile - and that is their only payment.

They endure laborious jobs to pay for your comforts and the moment they arrive home, they leap into their other full-time commitment - their husbands and their homes.

Dinner is always on the table, the bedrooms are always clean, the ironing is complete, the dishes are done and dry, the washing is neatly folded...all with a selfless joy I neither understand or know how to emulate.

They say as we grow we're only as good as the people that raise us and if it's true that I'll even be fractionally the mother to my children that my mother has been to me, I'll be nominating myself for a Nobel peace prize because her love is the type that moulds a murky world into a rose-coloured love nest

This mother's day (and every mother's day) it's important we take the chance to thank our selfless mums for the sacrifices they've made for us. This year I've written a poem that dotes on the good stuff – mum comes in no other variety:

I didn't know what lay ahead

But you gave me a heart and head

Born into this world your little girl

You brushed my hair and straightened my curls

Years passed by and I grew older

And all the while I had your shoulder

To laugh, to cry, to kiss, to hold,

A hiding place, my warmth from the cold

I came to you with stories of love,

Your wisdom felt like a gift from above

I came to you with a graze on my knee,

And you gave me the strength to again run free

You armed me with love that strengthened my soul,

You backed my dreams and supported my goals,

You gave me love that is unparalleled

Through every stage of life it’s your hand that I’ve held

You taught me to love, to forgive and forget,

You taught me to live a life without regret,

For every lesson you’ve blessed me with,

I’ve taken it on as a precious gift

You are a woman that gives your heart to strangers,

That loves without expectation, no matter the dangers,

You give your heart and your service to all,

In serving selflessly, you are enthralled,

If I had lived one hundred times more,

You’re the only mother I could ever wish for,

You are everything that I could hope to be,

The greatest gift in life I know, is that God made you for me.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful women out there who have made this world a better place.

X

You're pretty awesome ya' know... Accept it!

I might have a problem with intimacy.

Not when I like someone – just in the initial phases when you start flirting with someone new. I don’t know how to take a compliment so I just make a joke of it and brush it off. I get how this can seem cold and be a bit of a deterrent for Mr.Shiney-and-new and I also see how it might put a halt on future flirtation, quickly morphing Shiney into dull and old…but I just haven’t been able to stop this crushing reflex.

I always harp on about how I would love sweet nothings being whispered to me and then when it happens, the phony trumpet blows and I blow the opportunity to reel nurture a crush into a relationship.

Fortunately, I realized this with a non-crush before the damage was done (so what I said, mattered slightly less because I cared less about turning him off). Then a few minutes later, I was annoyed with myself.

I know that this is deeply rooted in relationship’s past. Where the person I was, was left behind when my first real ‘love’ (equivalent) was. We’re never the same after a breakup. Temporarily, we are broken. A lucky few don’t go through the lengthy motions of recovery after heartbreak because they spring into flings and manage to compensate emotionally for the absence of an ex. The rest of us, grieve, hate, cry, love, reflect, mourn, grow and recover over days, weeks, months and sometimes years. The change in us is inevitable. We always hope that it is for the better but life is not a rom-com so that is not always so.

Recently, a friend gave me a compliment, told me he liked me and spoke to me like a lady…he even called me one and all I managed to do in response was deflect the compliment, laugh at the gesture and joke at how insincere it sounded. It wasn’t insincere and I had very poorly handled the chat. Again, I was annoyed with myself.

What was so bad about accepting a compliment? Why was it so difficult to return the sentiment or to just say thank you appreciatively and assertively?

I can’t call myself damaged goods because I still remain as one of the most wildly optimistic people I know when it comes to love but it’s easy to see why I might become damaged if I continued in this vain.

I know where I used to love blindly, I now like with hesitation.

Where I used to love compliments (and let me make it clear that I have no problem giving them), I am distrustful if a male is giving me one.

Where I used to believe in everlasting love, now, often I’m searching for used by dates.

I’m making it my mission to change this however because there’s more involved in the rejection of a compliment than my ego.

If somebody has told you they like you, then congratulate yourself, you’ve met their approval (not that you need it for self gratification). They didn’t need to tell you that you were likeable. They didn’t have to say something nice. More likely than any of the other cynical rebuttals you’ve drummed up in your head, they are doing it out of goodwill, out of sheer desire to be good, because they are good. That has very little to do with you.

Whether you brush off a compliment, make a joke of it, downplay it’s value - each of these ways of deflecting a compliment results in putting down both yourself and the giver of the compliment, so they're not actually very giving or kind responses (despite your attempt/belief that you’ve embraced modesty as one of your finer qualities).

I didn’t realize how bad this could be until it was done to me and then I regretted giving the compliment to begin with. I thought it was a waste of breath if the person didn’t significantly react to a sincere reaction to their good qualities. They seemed less ‘good’ because of it.

In reacting modestly, the person I’d complimented lynched my thoughts. Suffocated and choking on my words, it would be difficult in future to utter the same words and risk being hanged again. Modesty in moderation is fine. Rejecting someone’s kindness for the sake of appearing humble is not.

If they were deflecting because they had trust issues (and most of us do), this is only a poor reflection of yourself. If you’re genuine, believe that you draw in people with the same sincerity. You’re generally smart enough to suss out the friends from the fakes, so be wise but be warm.

Although I love attention (that’s no secret), one thing I instinctively do is to return a compliment when it’s given to me. I’m a people-pleaser, I can’t help it and that comes with many burdens in itself. I’ve read that returning a compliment is self-effacing. Mentally for people pleasers, our brains say “I don’t deserve this compliment” and then we bat it back. Insecurity is letting your more admirable qualities down. Back yourself lady (or gent). The flick back compliment is almost as bad as the second ‘I love you.’ It’s not that it means less, but it can often seem like something you’re ‘just saying.’ They ARE a great conversation filler, but few of us lie so well that our fake flattery isn’t transparent. Take credit where credit is due and give it back accordingly.

I was told to take compliments as an exercise in being assertive. I hate for something so lovely to sound so regimented but order makes sense and that’s why it exists. All accepting a compliment is, is a recognition that you are deserving of that kindness and an acknowledgement that it is a kind act for someone to share that with you.

You didn’t need to fancily return the compliment being given to you because in accepting it you were telling the person that gave it that you trusted their judgment, their wisdom and their sense of your place in it.

Few things are nicer than that.