You're pretty awesome ya' know... Accept it!

I might have a problem with intimacy.

Not when I like someone – just in the initial phases when you start flirting with someone new. I don’t know how to take a compliment so I just make a joke of it and brush it off. I get how this can seem cold and be a bit of a deterrent for Mr.Shiney-and-new and I also see how it might put a halt on future flirtation, quickly morphing Shiney into dull and old…but I just haven’t been able to stop this crushing reflex.

I always harp on about how I would love sweet nothings being whispered to me and then when it happens, the phony trumpet blows and I blow the opportunity to reel nurture a crush into a relationship.

Fortunately, I realized this with a non-crush before the damage was done (so what I said, mattered slightly less because I cared less about turning him off). Then a few minutes later, I was annoyed with myself.

I know that this is deeply rooted in relationship’s past. Where the person I was, was left behind when my first real ‘love’ (equivalent) was. We’re never the same after a breakup. Temporarily, we are broken. A lucky few don’t go through the lengthy motions of recovery after heartbreak because they spring into flings and manage to compensate emotionally for the absence of an ex. The rest of us, grieve, hate, cry, love, reflect, mourn, grow and recover over days, weeks, months and sometimes years. The change in us is inevitable. We always hope that it is for the better but life is not a rom-com so that is not always so.

Recently, a friend gave me a compliment, told me he liked me and spoke to me like a lady…he even called me one and all I managed to do in response was deflect the compliment, laugh at the gesture and joke at how insincere it sounded. It wasn’t insincere and I had very poorly handled the chat. Again, I was annoyed with myself.

What was so bad about accepting a compliment? Why was it so difficult to return the sentiment or to just say thank you appreciatively and assertively?

I can’t call myself damaged goods because I still remain as one of the most wildly optimistic people I know when it comes to love but it’s easy to see why I might become damaged if I continued in this vain.

I know where I used to love blindly, I now like with hesitation.

Where I used to love compliments (and let me make it clear that I have no problem giving them), I am distrustful if a male is giving me one.

Where I used to believe in everlasting love, now, often I’m searching for used by dates.

I’m making it my mission to change this however because there’s more involved in the rejection of a compliment than my ego.

If somebody has told you they like you, then congratulate yourself, you’ve met their approval (not that you need it for self gratification). They didn’t need to tell you that you were likeable. They didn’t have to say something nice. More likely than any of the other cynical rebuttals you’ve drummed up in your head, they are doing it out of goodwill, out of sheer desire to be good, because they are good. That has very little to do with you.

Whether you brush off a compliment, make a joke of it, downplay it’s value - each of these ways of deflecting a compliment results in putting down both yourself and the giver of the compliment, so they're not actually very giving or kind responses (despite your attempt/belief that you’ve embraced modesty as one of your finer qualities).

I didn’t realize how bad this could be until it was done to me and then I regretted giving the compliment to begin with. I thought it was a waste of breath if the person didn’t significantly react to a sincere reaction to their good qualities. They seemed less ‘good’ because of it.

In reacting modestly, the person I’d complimented lynched my thoughts. Suffocated and choking on my words, it would be difficult in future to utter the same words and risk being hanged again. Modesty in moderation is fine. Rejecting someone’s kindness for the sake of appearing humble is not.

If they were deflecting because they had trust issues (and most of us do), this is only a poor reflection of yourself. If you’re genuine, believe that you draw in people with the same sincerity. You’re generally smart enough to suss out the friends from the fakes, so be wise but be warm.

Although I love attention (that’s no secret), one thing I instinctively do is to return a compliment when it’s given to me. I’m a people-pleaser, I can’t help it and that comes with many burdens in itself. I’ve read that returning a compliment is self-effacing. Mentally for people pleasers, our brains say “I don’t deserve this compliment” and then we bat it back. Insecurity is letting your more admirable qualities down. Back yourself lady (or gent). The flick back compliment is almost as bad as the second ‘I love you.’ It’s not that it means less, but it can often seem like something you’re ‘just saying.’ They ARE a great conversation filler, but few of us lie so well that our fake flattery isn’t transparent. Take credit where credit is due and give it back accordingly.

I was told to take compliments as an exercise in being assertive. I hate for something so lovely to sound so regimented but order makes sense and that’s why it exists. All accepting a compliment is, is a recognition that you are deserving of that kindness and an acknowledgement that it is a kind act for someone to share that with you.

You didn’t need to fancily return the compliment being given to you because in accepting it you were telling the person that gave it that you trusted their judgment, their wisdom and their sense of your place in it.

Few things are nicer than that.