Alexithymia – do you have it?

I was complaining to a friend about a lack of material for my blog recently and being the devoted reader and loyal friend that she is, she alerted me to a problem I’ve regularly encountered but never knew how to name until she introduced me to Alexithymia.

Alexithymia is not a person, he’s not Greek but the word does have Greek origin. It’s a term that psychotherapist Peter Sifneos came up with to describe “a state of deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions.” He sounds Greek too.

 The word comes from the Ancient Greek words λέξις (lexis, "diction", "word") and θυμός (thumos, "soul, as the seat of emotion, feeling, and thought") modified by an alpha-privative literally meaning "without words for emotions."

I wish I knew this when I first met my friend. He’s lovely and I don’t think he has this problem but funnily enough he is Greek also, and every time we’d come remotely close to having an emotional chat he’d break out into song and in the tune of the bad boys theme song, he’d sing “deep talk, deep talk…whatchya gonna do, whatchya gonna do when deep talk comes for you, deep talk, deep talk.” Just like that, I would end up in a fit of laughter and he would end up dodging the chat. Clever kiddo. Really clever.

Boys if you want to avoid D&M’s humour is the way to do it. Generally this is something that would enrage, frustrate, aggravate and annoy women…but not my friend. She’s found humour in her boyfriend’s alexithymia. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed but she has happily accepted this as the explanation for their verbally unaffectionate relationship.

She describes him as a gentleman, “old school chivalry and new school avoider.” She is verbose but not expressive of her emotions either (except towards me) so somehow the partnership works.

Her reflection on his better qualities got me thinking however…. are we being foolish in our expectations of men? In wanting a man who can eloquently express his love  are we denying ourselves time with the gentlemen who can show it rather than recite a Hallmark card?

I’ve dealt with both kinds of men. We all have.

Time and time again I have fallen for the wordsmiths, the William Shakespeare’s, the Will-you-marry-me-men who very quickly (every time) become the Will-you-stop-playing-me-men, the Will-you-shut-up-men and the Will-you-disappear-promptly-men. With all of these will’s that I won’t do a thing with, I’ve learnt that when he talks the talk, he stumbles in his walk (and I want a man who struts not stumbles).  

My friend’s newfound happiness (however much she chooses to downplay it) is admirable in its maturity, sweet in its sincerity and beautifully loving in its understanding. I know she would have gagged reading that sentence. Sorry my love but it was worth complimenting you and congratulating you on.

Mum has always said if words were free boys would never pay to use them. Sure enough, mum is right. She always is.

Another friend of mine has been through months of emotional torment because of the trail of  kind words that the guy she was seeing lay out . Initially, it had her following and wanting more. Although she knew he was toxic, she continued to drink from his poisonous cup. His words were alluring but ultimately soul-destroying. His words were cheap. She isn't.

All along though she knew he would hurt her, she bought into the sweet talk and ended up with a root-canal. Yes there was routing involved, yes when it was over it hit a nerve and yes, the pain of being played was a lesson not to dine with the devil – but when his words were beautifully presented, she keenly unwrapped his armour everyday. Everyday a new man was revealed. She became disillusioned. Everyday, he was less desirable. She kept unwrapping till no words were left. They were no longer good enough.

 We like words because they are kind.

We like words because they don’t need to be said and mean the world when they are.

We like words because they imply that we’ve been thought of.

We like words because they appear sincere, but what if people looked like their personality?

Would their words still matter?

How long will you allow yourself to be fooled by the man with the chivalrous shroud?

Be shrewd in your choices and believe in actions, not words. Many can talk, few can deliver -and the gamble seems to be working for my friend.