GOSSIP GIRLS – YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT XOXO

The movie ‘Cruel Intentions’ introduced children of the nineties to a sordid type of human; one that is self seeking, sexually driven and unashamedly envious of any and all competition; this repulsive type of person is quite reminiscent of today’s female. Interested in success, envious of other women, a stumbling block to themselves and sadly, sometimes also to their friends. In this movie, they said ‘keep your friends close and your enemies even closer,” and we do.

This week I was chatting to a friend about how much easier it is to be nice to people, how much less energy is exerted when you smile rather than snob off someone and how if everyone embraced this attitude, we’d live in a much more harmonious world. Her response illuminated another perspective, that being nice to everyone was fake, was two-faced and too one dimensional. If nobody spoke their mind, everyone would be nice, nice was boring and therefore nobody would be making headlines and we’d have nothing to gossip about and nobody to make us feel superior over other ruder beings. She had a point.

Painful as it is to admit, women love to have a bit of a gossip. We are leeches to any information that will expose weaknesses of another person and although we all participate (and I’ll admit I gossip too) – the practice itself is disgusting and destructive – not just to the person’s self esteem but also to ourselves as supreme beings. We stoop and become the enemy, thriving off the exclusive access to information that we have.

Women follow a pattern in such situations. They will fake a smile to the girl they are judging, cling tight to the girl dispensing the gossip and at an opportunity to socially climb we will wisely dispense that information to another, for access to a new friendship, to fill time, sometimes consciously, other times just because, more often than not it is rarely justifiably…or is it.

Before I chastised everyone who shares in my crimes, I searched to understand the psychology behind it….and in the process found an answer that suited me.

Nigel Nicholson, Ph.D pins gossip down to evolution and our natural instincts to survive in the animal kingdom. He explains that there are two sides to every story (der!) and with gossip there is the heart warming emotions linked with the forming alliances and finding belonging within a social circle, the second is that gut-wrenching rage when we are placed on the receiving end of the gossip, realizing that we will be damaged in some way through this means.

Nicholson claims that we are evolved to talk.  That makes sense I thought, after all, Eve was created as a companion for Adam and as such, since the start of creationism, two were always better than one. Two could not form a pair however if they were mismatched and this is why we network; to find like minded people who share our loves and hates and in doing so form exclusive cliques that keep out  the outsider. Once the outsider is spotted we influence each other’s decisions to maintain our standing within a group and in doing so form alliances that protect us from the scorn of our friends.

The dark side to this is that by gossiping we exclude others, we are more likely to be gossiped about and as we fuel the fire, many get burnt (think the late Princess Diana and the paparazzi’s fatal pursuit of her private life…of gossip).

However, the often paralleled pursuit of Kate Middleton may have led her to the altar today. As the gossipy tabloids labeled the Princess-to-be, Waity Katie, Kate was reminded of her worth and demanded of Will, that she wait no more…and that’s the thing about gossip…. as toxic as it is, it somehow, it acts as a code of ethics; reminding us of what is acceptable and what is condemned and gives us an option to choose to wear our halos, horns…or Sapphire engagement rings.

And just before my male audience, label us women venomous and vile, my trainer revealed this morning that you men do it too. You just disguise and re-label it. As he chatted to me about who was sleeping with who at the gym and which men was an accessory to two affairs, one formerly attractive man, became the elephant in the room and in gossiping I was spared from scandal.

My trainer revealed that while we call it gossip, men call it character assessment.

Call it what you will, I thought…gossip is gossip and according to Nicholson, essential to survival. Armed with the knowledge that gossip is innate, I will work to only positively analyse people, to be inclusive (not just to people like me), and will try to keep my friends close and make friends out of frenemies......right after girls’ night tonight and the necessary gossip we’ll have.

No More Mr Nice Guy....or is there?

It’s a question too often pondered among women; where have all the good guys gone? It’s easy to generalise and to categorize the chivalrous with the dead but for fear of becoming cynical before my time or generation; I thought this week’s mission was to search for Mr Nice guy and to document his good deeds.

My first shock encounter came in the kitchen at the office. After having just celebrated a colleague’s birthday in the boardroom, one other male colleague had taken all the dirty glasses to the kitchen and cleaned up the area because he couldn’t stand to leave it for the cleaner. His exact words were “the cleaner, didn’t get to enjoy the party, so why should he have to clean up after us.” I was awe-struck by his sensitivity, his modesty and the empathy he had for a complete stranger. This man did not parade his good deeds nor act in pursuit of praise; he acted with kindness simply because it was kind to do so.

This same person made it very easy to write this blog and continue finding material. On a day I had the chance to work next to him, I saw a consideration for all of his colleagues; unlike kindness I’d ever seen before. One girl was hungry so he went down and bought her food without her asking. Another was about to embark on a long road trip, he gave her nibblies to prevent the munchies on her way and another, he gave bars for her children to eat, keeping nothing for himself. Kindness was instinctive, automatic and agenda-free. I was starting to feel very inferior by comparison.

This lesson was not just demonstrating that kindness existed but that in fact, the good I saw far outweighed any good that I had shown.

But wait there was more (writing infomercials is getting to me).

Rather than set my sights singularly on one man, I opened the window to let in all mankind – they didn’t all make it through the narrow gate but, when judgement day came, I was happy to pass and fail some. Preferring to remain optimistic about the good I didn’t know and the greatness I’d one day meet, this was a reminder to me and all like me to believe in better because better was out there and is sometimes staring you in the face.

His peer proved an equal saviour; correcting my errors on a day I was put on trial in a new position. Without making a complaint, making a point of proving my incompetence or gratifying a want to prove he was better, he was heroic in that in his attempt to right my wrong, I was not cockily corrected, just kindly shown how to improve; he was courteous and considerate .

While at the gym this week, I was in cycle class and through the sound-system blasted, Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Holding out for a hero,” but this week as I pushed on through spin, I realised I had nothing to spin on the good deeds I’d seen.

Tyler in her ballad for all of woman-kind, cried;

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and I dream of what I need

….but this week my sleep was uninterrupted, because I had an answer to rival Tyler’s rant. This week I learnt, the good men are still around, are exceptionally better than me when I give myself a chance to notice and though they’re yet to win my heart, they’re hearts proved a credit to their gender (or upbringing). For now, just knowing the good ones exist, is all the hope we need and that hope is timely too….there’s a royal wedding imminent.

Single, taken then dead for catching the grenade.

We all know that Bruno Mars song and every one who has loved swears to being the victim of relationships past. We are single, we are taken, we are taken by love, we give our all, and we end up broken. Love always hurts if you let it and if you don’t.

The hurt that the young girl in my story knew this time around was not love, it was delusion. For a moment, she was single, was taken by a man’s charm and was shell-shocked when the truth about  his character detonated in her face. The news exploded into her world and her faith in someone she once cared for was shattered. She was not entirely the victim this time though, because I believe that in love there are three central themes upon which the success of a relationship depends; choice, chance and change. In making the choice to give someone a second chance while expecting them to have changed, she was at first unlucky, but the second time was a fool.

This is how the tale unfolded. Once upon a time, there was a young girl; naïve and with a heart wide-open. She fell for a thief masked as a prince and had her naivety stolen from her. For years she had focused on finding a prince and one day, just as she planned, the prince had found her. It was a fairytale. She made a choice to trust him because chance had brought him in her life and her earnest hope was that life thereafter would blissfully change. What changed however was his attitude towards her. Afraid of commitment and embroiled in scandal, he sought sex appeal over sincerity, many women over one, freedom to be a boy over assumption of a predestined role to become a man. Very quickly the fairytale failed the young girl who thought love came once and without difficulty or heartbreak. She was blissfully ignorant till he came along and while first time around she mourned the loss of him, the young man continued to live happily ever after. This is not one for the kids.

The second time around the man returned; changed, seemingly reformed with new charms and greater sincerity. It appeared his former mask was removed. He had new things to offer so the young girl with an open heart, let him in again (because it seems they hadn’t sufficiently hurt each other enough the first time). Flaws in his new plan to court her surfaced as each line came without promise, each compliment came with a catch, each good deed was overshadowed by a bad one and then the final straw…he was seeing someone else while MAN-ipulating the young girl’s heart. Shame on him for tricking her once but shame on her for allowing him to trick her twice!

Sound familiar? Good girl meets bad boy, bad boy leaves good girl ,bad boy moves on to break more hearts, bad boy occasionally returns to validate his ego and confirm to himself that if he wanted the good girl, he could have her. Bad boy needs a naughty corner.

The sad truth is, the good girl will always compromise for the chance at love. In keeping with the self-sacrificing Bruno Mars theme, another song I was listening to of his was called ‘The Other Side.” Great song!  It was all about a straight-laced girl falling for a shady boy and all she had to do was make the choice to cross the road and submit to his debauchery. Life, lust and a chance of love were all choices that the girl had to make but if she dared cross the road, there was no guarantee of exclusivity or of a happily ever after.

At long last, an answer I thought – all things ‘relationship’ before finding love are about making choices when chance encounters tempt you. Expecting change is the error that most good girls will make when faced with the chance to choose. What we all know is that a leopard never changes its spots, so we mustn't expect it to. While animal print is always alluring, it is only a seasonal trend.

Armed with the experience of the choice/chance/change effect, the little girl in this fairytale made a new choice. She decided she’d give no more chances to those that needed to change. She'd no longer expect a change in others but would make changes in herself and the choices she made. She admitted that the prince she once knew was just a thief in a prince’s clothing. She didn't try to change him but choosing to believe that he could have and giving him a second chance is a choice she'd change if given another chance. Ignorance may have been blissful in her adolescence but knowledge this time around was power.

After being single, after momentarily allowing herself to be taken by a bad boy, she knew that this bombshell was a lesson to not toy with explosives. She’d leave heroics for the boys she’d meet in the future and just like that, she emerged a hero. She may have been single again, but this time she was better for it.