Walk like a man, Talk like a man

 I wrote a text to someone and got a response back. Was this because he was interested? Was it because he wasn’t interested so didn't feel compelled to game play? Is it because he's not a game player? Is it because he learnt his lesson from previous relationships not to keep a girl waiting lest he lose her interest.... either way for a change I'm not interested. I haven't sworn off men but I may slowly be becoming one.

I'm not about to have a sex change (I'm perfectly happy being female) but I am adopting some masculine qualities... not because they’re the better gender but because trial and error has taught me that some of their tricks work wonders in the trade of love. 

Sometimes the hardest decision in life is knowing which bridge to walk and which to burn? With men...the equation is simple; if he is stupid enough to walk away then you need to be smart enough to let him go.  This conclusion isn't an easy move to commit to. When you're anxiously waiting for a crush to notice you - the last thing you want to do is accept that he is just not that into you. However, accepting a closed door may be exactly what is needed to open a new one.

 I was chatting to a friend and her partner the other day on persons of interest to me at the moment. That’s not a typo, there are many. My friends partner was shocked and responded with a 'my goodness Miriam you move on pretty quickly don't you?!' the conversation quickly turned into a look at me as a man (if I was one) - we all agreed I'd be the charming womanizing male I constantly fall for because I loved words and loved women.  With crush a) - I wasn't sure he was interested so I exited the game, crush b) was more about reciprocating his interest because I appreciated his qualities and interest in me but he was very slow to act. Slow paced seduction was the game of crush c) as well and crush d)'s life and my own were gravitating towards each other but neither of us were forcing it to happen. Stay tuned on - e) all of the above.

Neither of us were sure of the others interest or our compatibility. All of these boys were wonderful people with admirable qualities. Some inside investigation revealed that the cream of the crop saw goodness in me too but admitted that it would be a long time before he did anything about his interest.

Enter my man brain. I tried to empathize with this guy to understand why if he was interested he would resist dating me and then I took a walk in his shoes. If I were a hot young male with many girls at my disposal, lots of travelling to do and lots of “single” fun to enjoy, would I commit to a girl that would be fabulous but limit that freedom or would I chance it and hope she was single when I felt older and ready for the responsibility?

The answer? I’d buzz around bachelor-hood and like a bee to honey would stick around that sweet life for as long as I could. Love, while ideally about romance and rescuing for us ladies, for men it’s about work, commitment and fatherhood (that’s daunting even for me) so for a change, I’m toe tapping in man-land and seeing it from their perspective.

While I’m thinking like a man, I’m acting like a lady and still waiting for the man to approach but in walking in his shoes, I’m more understanding about the wait and happier to fill my time with many over being miserable pining over just one. If he can wait, so can I – but not necessarily for him.

Under the Sea, darling it's better, down where it's wetter...

 

The little Mermaid taught us a valuable lesson in its theme song, “under the sea.” The lyrics read: 

Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor

Such wonderful things surround you
What more are you looking for

Under the sea, under the sea
Darlin’ it’s better
Down where it’s wetter,
Take it from me

Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away

While we devotin’
Full time to floatin’
Under the sea

I’ve never believed that the saying that there were plenty more fish in the sea was true. In the dating world, this was a response to some miserable newly single sod who couldn’t see beyond his grief but he continued crying because he knew better. He knew it would be a struggle to find, lock in and connect with a new person. 

Love is ridiculous and the risk of exposing yourself entirely to a stranger with hope of no judgment and security is petrifying and idiotic if you were to rationalize it but for the thrill of finding the person who’ll stay we risk embarrassment anyway. 

I had the search for a soul mate described to me through a Google Advanced Search analogy. He (for a change) said, if you go through the motions of doing a Google Advanced Search when researching then you run the risk of your search yielding no results. The longer your list, the narrower the results, the less likelihood you have of finding your ideal match. 

I didn’t like what he was suggesting because it would mean the end to specificity on my list. While we both agreed that everyone has a right to be fussy about their future, he decided he didn’t want love unless it was perfect while I considered the merit of making compromises on what is trivial or negotiable in order to find true love. 

I believe one of the greatest miracles in life is finding love because against all odds, one person finds you among billions sees all of your flaws and chooses to stay with you anyway. If there was a man willing to do that for me, I sure as hell was going to give him a chance….but not without my checklist (I still have standards). 

However, what I realized in days past’ is that when my checklist became less refined, I was swimming in a whole new ocean of eligible bachelors. 

For centuries men have argued the right to keep their options open, to play the field and as such have battled with the limitations of monogamy. Women began to embrace this mentality during the sexual revolution of the 1960’s but not without a sexual stigma. 

I haven’t cracked. This isn’t one of those posts. My polygamous thoughts have not been about being with many but about thinking of many… till one emerges as supreme. 

I do take issue with this free spirited thinking though even though it’s my own because the same treatment is being reciprocated to me and I don’t like it one bit!

It seems while I was diving to the depths of my ocean, other girls took a dip and we all ran into the same big fish that is currently testing the waters. Now my water is murky. Yuck!

He’s enjoying his leisurely paddle through paradise (it’s a pool full of women – of course he was) and so he should – he’s quite a catch and it’s been a while since he’s been allowed to enjoy this sort of attention.  With adoration from the starfish (me) the clownfish and the jellyfish (the others) naturally he’ll basque in the glory of his bachelorism and take his time to select a soul mate (me again). While he’s doing that, he’ll connect with the catch of the day (clownfish and jellyfish) with reasons unknown to me. 

However in case this big fish has saltwater in his eyes and fails to see how fabulous I am, I have a backup plan. There are some sharks bathing in Big Fish’s pool too and they’re worth noticing. 

None of them have swum into my net yet but they have brushed close by and indicated a bit of interest so they have my attention. While ordinarily I’d advise to keep your eye on the prize, for the first time I see that the ocean is in fact full of flirty fish and maybe there’s merit in meeting them too for a chance that they may be better suited to me.  

I’m not sleeping around, I’m swimming around and as a starfish, it’s my right to explore the ocean I’m in. Starfish before me have been doing it for centuries and we’re not extinct yet so the strategy must have worked.

The ocean is deep, the fish are many and the lessons are far from learnt. While I’m getting better at untangling myself from the seaweed and escaping the catfish’s bite, I’m not through meeting the other stars of the sea so if Big Fish is too busy to give me my deserved attention, I’ll happily busy myself too, and maybe even meet another starfish ….

Excuse me while I take a dive in the pool of deep, dark and very handsome, there may be bigger fish to fry.  

Under the sea, under the sea
Darlin’ it’s better
Down where it’s wetter,
Take it from me ....

Love triangles and less than terrific timing...

Jessica likes James but her friend Julie likes him too. Julie has banded with Jessica's frenemy who also secretly happens to like James. None of them have discussed it with each other for fear of open competition or acceptance of defeat. They will all continue to court and pursue till James takes his pick. Lucky James.

 James is a little popular and a lot confused. He flirts with all but chooses none. James' friend Jono is more astute in his search. He knows exactly what he wants and that is Jessica but Jessica can't decide if being with Jono is where her life has been headed towards or if she'd rather toss both and go for their friend Jack. Friendships will be tried, loyalties will be tested and hearts will inevitably be broken. For the sake of peace, should all step away and bow out of the battle gracefully or should they follow their hearts with the belief that there is nothing more valuable than finding love?

James was in love once but when it was over, he saw the ugly side of his ex. He shook hands with bitterness, rubbed shoulders with rage and flirted with fury, but he stomped all over regret and refused to let it toy with his mind. Even though the outcome of his breakup would have allowed it. She moved on far quicker than he would have expected.

 Affairs, betrayal and recycling of relationships are something experienced the world over so it was all too important to find the person that shared his ideals and would promise the same security that he promised in a relationship second time around.

Betrayal was the basest of human actions yet James having experienced it in his past relationship had peace. It seemed everyone he knew was dating someone who somebody else loved before and although he didn't like it, he accepted the loss and soldiered on. He would rather an old love have love than halt the love of a heart that could never truly be his. This was simultaneously noble and stupid.

Jessica  had other wonderful friends who had caught partners in the act of cheating. The cheater and the mistress would go on to live happily ever after, while the cheated would be left to contemplate the loss, experience extreme lows and for the first time know loneliness. Fortunately, Jessica's friend was surrounded by wonderful people to uplift her but she'd often question why the person at fault got to know joy first?

Jessica would often tell her that it was important to experience a period of loneliness to build one's character so that when love came knocking she'd be complete enough to answer the door and let love in. Without development of one's self, it would be a relationship of dependance not one in which she could give yourself wholly to her other half.

Enter unfortunate timing for James and Jessica.

James and Jessica were chatting the other day and he sweetly contemplated that experiences lived out without a loved one were empty, futile and incomplete to him. He pondered that until his plus one could share in the joys of his life, he wouldn’t know contentment. This was the most beautifully expressed quest for love that Jessica had heard in a long time. She would have fallen for him instantly if she wasn't aware of the call to be guarded while he was still healing. He wouldn't be ready to love her for a while and so she accepted his friendship and would happily help him heal.

The problem here for Jessica was that while James claimed he was ready to move on, he continued to tell Jessica how perfect his ex (Gretchen) was. He mused on all of Gretchen’s good qualities and feared that he would never find those qualities again. Jessica didn’t voice her issue with this but if she had that night over, she would have asked, why you would want a repeat of your last relationship, if that formula failed you? He was blinded by love and it would be a while before he could see past Gretchen's good qualities. This was testament to his great character, not necessarily hers.  Gretchen sounded awful to Jessica. She tried not to judge..

She was at a crossroads… would she wait for James to be ready? Would she pay greater attention to Jono or Jack? Would she show James what he could have if he chose to love her? She didn’t want to wait because she held firmly to the belief that the man that chose to be with her would be instantly sure that she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

If there was one lesson she’d always clung to from her youth it was that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing. This was true for James and Gretchen’s relationship and it was true for her situation now.

Jessica could have sat and pontificated on the things James was missing out on by dwelling on the past. She could have sat and tried to win James over. She could have even flirted with a different fate and seen where Jono or Jack could take her but she decided against all of those options because she’d been there, done that, been hurt and grown stronger.

Self worth was the greatest gift she could give herself. She’d let the other girls compete because for her, love was not a contest, it was a blessing, and if James didn’t want her, she didn’t want him either – not because he was bad, blind or a poor judge of character, but simply, because he wasn’t the one…and she would never accept anyone less for herself.

 

When times are tough you must play rough!!

My friend and I have fiercely been mapping out a game plan of how she can seduce and keep the man of her dreams. Why she has any male problems at all is a mystery to me; she's stunning, fit, thin, and intelligent and is so sweet but that goodness has so far only attracted the senseless and the steroid-induced.

The day we discussed her dating dilemmas was the day I overheard a separate set of females also plotting to win over the same man. The diva in me was about to tell these sisters to step aside, my friend after all was the only person good enough to be with this man. These women however, were all singing from the same hymn book and the lyrics sounded something like Irene Cara’s ‘holding out for a hero.’ 

The sisters after unreturned calls, agonizing nights waiting by the phone, drunken and dateless dusks out had decided to wear the pants - they weren’t waiting for men to take over they were doing it for themselves.

Lucky or unlucky men? I can't decide.

I pondered on whether it would be easier if we just did the asking but I didn’t like the ramifications of doing that. The end of men asking us out would shred chivalry to bits.

No more proposals, no more romance but on the plus side, since most women of our time are such control freaks it would also mean the end of our man-made insanity. If we no longer had to fret about who was asking who, what it meant if he did or didn’t text, what it meant if he took us to McDonald’s over Aria (apart from the calorie counting), what on earth would we women do with all of our time?

Men would be emasculated and lazy because of it and we’d never know if the person we were with was with us for us or just for convenience. In my idealistic mind, it’s much more interesting seeing the man work for your love, vying for your attention and pleased in his conquest. 

On the flip side, with the increase in demand for men and lack of supply, I wholeheartedly accept why women would rather chase and lose than never run the race and feel the rush that comes with winning.

I look at love like a crystal meth addict. It eats away at your brain, your looks fade with more of its use and it's damn costly to your lifestyle but the thrill is too intense a rush, the joy too deep, the addiction too unbearable that stopping it is deadly painful.

Sign me up we all used to say to the torture until these women took control but it seems while we're all addicted to the high, we're all buying from the same dealer and while he’ll flirt with many, he’ll only truly want to be with one. Game on? You betchya!

One of the women I know has to compete with five other women for one man's attention. She’s doing an ok job of sustaining his interest but it pains me to see the daily mental struggle involved with chasing. It means daily affirmations that you are good enough, it means allowing jealousy to overcome you (and that’s ugly), wondering if he is responsive out of courtesy, kindness or adoration. It's true what they say, it's rough out there in the dating world. 

She doesn’t just have women of the same age, good looks and intelligence to compete with – she also has the gay community questioning his sexuality and also competing for his heart. 

Then there are all of these ridiculous rules to follow. Like the stupid, don't call after the first date for three days? Don't kiss on the first date, don't be the one to text first... The list goes on and the migraine lingers.  

I’m not testifying to the Gospel according to “Dating 101” but as painful as the wait can be, distance gives clarity, courtship gives you something to look forward to and that call after a little bit of a waiting period is the crystal meth fix I was talking about; addictive, amazing and mind-altering. Amorousness follows. Neurosis ensues. Love grows. Hallelujah and amen to that!

I'm from the school of thought that if you like someone you should do something about it. Whatever is within your comfort zone is as far as you should go. Be noticed but don’t compromise your morality and  be kind to yourself if the object of your affection, objects to your advances. Play by the rules, or step dangerously outside of the lines, whatever you choose, know that finding love is worth the struggle. Here’s hoping my friend wins her man and that everyone feels free enough to follow and find love. 

Heartbreak can be devastating. Picking yourself up to search for love again can be the mightiest struggle you’ll have to endure but it’s worth the search, no matter how rough you might have to play.

In words better than I could articulate, “it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”  

Break up and shut up!

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s divorce is old news so six years since the break up, the marriage should not be spoken of unfavorably. This week in entertainment news, Brad Pitt succumbed to media pressure to spill the beans on his split with Jennifer Aniston in an exclusive interview with Parade magazine. The beans left a bitter taste in the mouths of gossip consumers globally. He cheated, and then justified his actions by bad-mouthing the victim. 

Aniston commented after the split that Pitt was missing a ‘sensitivity chip,’ and it seems she was right (even though it was wrong to bad mouth, she had a bit more right considering he cheated).

I’ve never believed that following a break up you can become good friends with each other; that is too painful and too murky. Sure enough, this interview should do the trick to end Brad’s faux friendship with the former Friends star.

I’ve heard many stories in my short life on why old wounds can never heal with the presence of an ex. 

Firstly, it makes it very difficult to see what’s next if you’re still friends with an ex. 

I know of one instance where a break up was over and a man returned to a friend to tell her that she was still the greatest catch he’d ever come across. Of that he was sure. 

I say, if you can’t catch the catch, then simply don’t play ball. After breaking her heart, he returned many unattached times to reminisce on the good times he had but never with a promise of return or an apology. He never accepted his part in the break up or the pain and remained a painful existence instead.  His presence was toxic, agonizing and stifled her growth. While it served his ego and killed his conscience, his relationship back-tracking was a waste of both of their times and emotions. It’s called a break up because it’s broken. At that point, if it’s not marriage, you step away. If it is marriage, you fight for it, not comment on how “dull” it was for you (ala Brad Pitt). I was once told if you ever feel bored in the place that you are, then the only boring person within that place is you. I’m a big believer in making light of most situations, having fun wherever I go and leaving everything I touch with the knowledge that I did everything I could to maximize that situation. Living like that means living without regrets and for me, that’s the only option in life. 

When my friend’s ex would later speak of the break up he would speak about her inability to complete him, not his inability to keep her. Perhaps the better thing to have said or concluded would just be that they were simply incompatible, that it was a relationship with some good but not enough to sustain a relationship for life.

There was another instance that I was close to in which it took four years for another lovelorn girl to recover from the salacious lies that her ex had spread. It was four years before they could even look at each other. Four years before he admitted his flaws to others but at that point, the gossip was spread, the damage was irreparable and the memory of what they almost had would always be tainted because of the dishonorable way it ended. 

It should be a general rule that when love ends, conversations about it should too. Of course both parties should be allowed the acceptable grieving period where they go through the motions of healing. 

Take time to get over the shock of the split, come to terms with the fact that you’ll no longer be together, don’t adopt denial in the belief that seeing each other might reignite old feelings. When you realize it’s over, find an outlet for your anger, and rise from the depression by looking optimistically at the happiness that may later come. Once you accept that, you’ll quickly notice the men/women out there ready to make you smile again. 

An ex serves a great purpose to shape the person you become. Through the experience you learn what you do and don’t want in a person. You learn about the greatness of receiving love, and you perfect your ability to give it because of the raised standards that you have for yourself at the end of it.

It is no great service to society for you to stop somebody else from finding love because it didn’t work out with you. Your trash may be someone else’s treasure and no matter the heartbreak, the pain or the time it takes to heal, you at least have the lessons to treasure and a better you to show for it. 

Everybody deserves somebody and you’d hate to be responsible for someone else's loneliness.

A Tribute to 9/11 ten years on...

The legacy of 9/11 should be life and humanity not death and destruction.

Ten years on from the day and the event that robbed the western world of it’s innocence, the world has stopped to remember; the dead, the living, the grieving and the lost.

I watched the Naudet brothers documentary two years ago and again last night. The documentary brought the eyes of the world inside the Twin Towers. Originally, the brothers set out to document the growth of a firefighter from boy to man over nine months. The boy, ‘Tony’ had a foreboding wish to experience a fire, to prove to his men and to himself that he could do the job. That he could be a hero.

Then September 11 came.

Then his youthful optimism vanished.

The Naudet brothers hoped to watch a boy metamorphose into a man in nine months.

In just nine hours, it happened.

The graphic documentary walks viewers into the lobby of the Twin Towers. Hundreds of workers rushed down the fire stairs. Workers bodies were burnt, grown men were reduced to tears.

Fear was in everyone’s eyes. Hope was in everyone’s hearts. Prayers were on everyone’s lips. Loved ones were in everyone’s thoughts. Survival was in everyone’s steps.

 
People leaped from buildings not in an attempt of suicide but in a grand act of bravery and hope. They were leaps of faith in optimism.  It was lovingly done in hope of reaching their families and escaping the hellish flames that engulfed the buildings.
 
Love drove the firefighters to put their lives selflessly at the mercy (or mercilessness) of the flames that rose as the buildings fell.People were crushed with their spirits.

Each firefighter that day ran to the towers in the hope of saving just one life and when the buildings had collapsed, these men courageously rummaged through rubble in search of a body…any body, in hope that they could bury one person with dignity; that one family could have a proper funeral. They never once stopped in their struggle to contemplate that that funeral could be their own.

Nearly 3000 people died that day.

It was somebody’s father. Someone’s mother. Sister. Brother. Daughter. Son. Cousin. Friend.

All these people had hoped that time would heal. I think for New Yorkers, time neither healed or comforted because the running tributes today show hearts still broken, still grieving and still waiting for answers.

I was in New York this time last year and visited the site. The mood becomes instantly somber as you walk through the Financial District. The people are quieter. They are more courteous but also more weary of their surroundings. They jump at sirens. There is a frailty in their faces and a fragility in their responses.

It was sunny the day I visited, but nothing was bright about that stopover. It is still and it is devastating. Families visited the memorial wall the day that I went, thousands of names were engraved into the wall, they are forever etched in people’s memories too.

Many of us still remember where we were the day the news was announced. 9/11 is a day we’ll never forget. The hope is that the lessons will also stay just as potent.

Though life can’t be said to be better for the grieving, what 9/11 brought to New York was a unity it hadn’t known before. One of the busiest cities in the world will stop each year to stand strong together and give thanks for the gifts they had. The lucky ones will give thanks for the gifts they still have.

Tony, the boy-turned-man, who the Naudet brothers filmed went on to marry and have a daughter. Many of the firefighters did. No money nor possession would ever have the importance it once had and love and the search for it only ever increased.

The legacy of the trade centre should be life and humanity not death and destruction because when the event displayed evil at its most corrupt, the rest of us decided to live more lovingly. The rest of us hoped in happiness and good people committed themselves to living out the legacies of the deceased.

New Yorkers are resilient people. They still find a reason to smile.

It is city filled with people that live for joy, fullness of life and fulfillment of dreams.

Firefighters and police officers fought for love of others.

Family members and friends remember lives lost for love of the deceased.

It is hoped that those that never made it out remembered love in their final moments.
 
Ten years on New Yorkers live for love because when life is stripped away from you, love is all that endures.

9/11 – we will never forget.

Happily ever after…when never is more in sight.

I have been incessantly listening to Adele’s album this week; putting me in a happy/sad/love-longing/depressed/elated/fantastical mood. It pulls on every heart string and stirs every emotion – much like a break-up. I’ve been continuously listening to stories of them too (but that has been less of a choice).

The one track on replay has been ‘hiding my heart,’ about the inevitable heartbreak that comes from a transient relationship.

One friend I have knows all about this. This week I felt, saw and attempted to help her heartbreak as she dignifiedly watches on as an old flame, passionately prepares for his wedding to a new love (less than a year on from their break up). The girl he’s with also experienced devotee devastation when her former five year relationship crumbled. One woman’s treasure, was another woman’s treasure and woman number one was trashed instead. Love had to be cruel to be kind to her and though we know not to play with fire, sometimes we need to be burnt to move on.

It won’t make much sense to her for a while but there would never be enough love, or enough joy to fill her in a relationship where the love she had was unrequited.

I’m no expert on why one girl gets chosen over the other and what makes a man commit but I do know that if he hasn’t committed to you, then he’s simply not the one. I am all for shades of grey… but for healing’s sake, this is one truth that will always be black and white to me. If love exists it finds a way to conquer.

What gives me hope and assurance in this is a friend who has newly found love. Love even visited her in her dreams before she met him. True story.

I love this tale so much because this woman confirms that the right man is worth waiting for. Good things come to those who wait. The cliché is true.

She however is anything but cliché. She is vibrant, intelligent, beautiful (in and out), hard-working and very successful. I can’t fault her on anything. She is everything most women would hope to be (me included).

Women used to be told to downplay their intelligence so as to avoid intimidating the opposite sex. Her intelligence attracted a mental and emotional equal and the prospect of finding something like that thrills and delights me.

This young beauty was single for a while but was a champion for love. I’d hear her talk about meeting a man that brought her joy most days that I saw her. Perhaps her positivity powered this new romance. God knows she deserved that happiness. Everybody does and most people will get to experience it, but not without a period of loneliness first.

I think the secret to this is that in order to appreciate the love you have, you have to experience what it means to live without them so when they walk on set as an extra in your life, you quickly realize that you’d prefer them as a regular cast member with the scenes of romance on replay.

The real stuff is good too. The fights and the way you overcome them. The dark moments and the days their light rescues you from that misery. The moment when simply seeing them where you are is enough to satiate your hungry soul. Hearing their voice will do that too. Then their’s that day it unlocks happiness that was previously foreign to you. It’s this love that I’m waiting for.

It’s also this love that I hope soon comes to my friend. Heartbreak has forced her to hide her heart, but I hope that when the grieving is over and the healing begins, she is able to reopen her heart to find love that friend #2 in this story has got to know.

While love songs do nothing for my patience, they do plenty for my passion. and remind me that that fire is worth waiting out in the cold for. There’s a positive in everything.